THESE SEVEN GHOSTS OF MINE

There have been only seven
really only truly seven
not counting the backseats
and side steps to Heaven
just seven
these seven

seven muses
seven lines on my hand
seven places where I got lost
seven portraits
seven albums all their own
seven architects of this man
these seven ghosts of mine

One
effervescent and ageless
twisting the heart
until the body calms
playing to the back row
I was in the wings, holding a rose
while the audience was
throwing them
never quite knowing where we stand
our shapelessness
only touched down twice
but we were loud in our abandon
brave and witty for each other
calming and true
in the turbulent years
One
showed me the dimensions of my heart
and the nobility of futility
and the futility of patience

Two
was the first to know the
deepest part of me
we were burning out
from the moment we ignited
violent and domestic
hurling futures into the box
with everything else
slide sideways and make plans
and then again into the darkness
and the toys
the scares, the paranoia
the fear about the war
ambulance chasing
through the night
the darkest places
two people can go
the darkest places two people can glow
Two
we were all about fear
we were all about hope
and in the end
they killed us both

Three
was something we killed
and never let be
it was everything we wanted
with different people
in a different time
it was an explosion
that we couldn't define
it happened in the grass
and the under the dark
but was denied
It was her
giving what she knew she could
to someone she knew was listening
and it was me
achieving escape velocity
the kisses were like spinning sugar
and getting tangled in the threads
the end was abrupt and soon
and we never spoke again
Three
Out of all my ghosts
it's the one that still haunts me

Four
was a beautiful lie
spun by romanitics
on a lovely night
staring at the sky
and the further we got
from the brilliance,
the harder it was to remember the lie
but we remembered each other
and we remembered the feelings
and over time we tried
we told each other different lies
she was tortured by the encroaching
voices in her life
I was trying to recapture
a distant, fleeting light
in the end we were fooling ourselves
and she was fooling me
Four
was a beautiful lie
and little more

Five
brought more out of me
than I can ever describe
lover, partner, muse, friend
maybe a couple of years later
and a couple of bags lighter
we could have seen it through
she always knew
what the best of us was
and I always knew
where we should be heading
but by the time I realized
that she was right and
I was wrong
I had burned it out
squandered a beautiful present
for a shot at the future
this was how we were supposed to be
this was who we were supposed to be
this is the shape of things to come
she just wanted to love me
she just wanted this thing to be
Five
still my favorite
the greatest time to be alive
and the worst mistakes I ever made
I'm sorry

Six
March and July
Five ghosts in and it felt alive
but the spectres up behind
drove the desperation I felt
to love her
And I did
And she did
without care without caution
I shouldered her problems
and ignored the way
my house was sinking into
the sand
I just wanted a ring on her hand
I burned away futures
and kicked away options
and all the while
piercing blue eyes loving me
kissing me
watching me destroy myself
and trying to make it better
while I was trying to force
this thing together
it wasn't fair to her
or where she was
I could have been great with her
but I never assessed the damage
or how it would wear her down
Six
she was the best thing for me
and it almost killed me

Seven
We're going the distance
She's met and accepted
those that came before
and it was easy
and then there's the boy
and when we all crawl
out from under this
mountain of adulthood
it's still easy
but the distance gets long
sometimes
and sometimes my ghosts
visit me
on the edges of sleep
or in the car
places I don't expect them to be
and I dance a little with them
and I remember the way they
looked at me
and kissed me
and then I pull into the driveway
and they step away
And I see her waiting
my partner
my fellow traveler
on this trip
where will we be
I don't know
That's the secret I guess
But I think we'll be all right
I'm riding on the shoulders of these ghosts
who helped shape me
who helped me be the man
for Seven and the Boy
so it was never wasted time

with these seven ghosts of mine