reasons
chapter one

I let one finger trace the spaces between the whitewashed cinderblocks as I walked to Italian class in an attempt to appear nonchalant. I was feeling kind of awkward- I wasn’t walking right because my shoes were going all funny and there was an awful lump in my bag that was digging into my back. I was wearing a shirt that I didn’t feel great in- it was tight in all the wrong places- and my hair was caught in the straps of my backpack and I was trying desperately to untangle it but didn’t have a free hand. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as I felt my Chemistry book slip out of my hand. What a morning.

I self-consciously bent down to pick up my book, letting my bag slip off one shoulder and pulling up my jeans because I definitely felt my thong peeking out over the top of my pants. Embarrassing.

Straightening up again, I flipped my hair back over my shoulder and took a deep breath- or almost did, because it got caught in my throat in the process. He was there. Right there.

“Fuck.” I shot under my breath, not entirely meaning to but not being able to stop it. So much for trying not to curse too much.

He looked at me. Shit. I tried to smile, relaxing my shoulders and trying to stand up straight.

“Hey, Vanessa.” he said, smiling.

My shoe had started to come off again. Damn.

“Hey Adam,” I breathed, trying to push my shoe back on. Wasn’t working. Ugh.

I pulled my hair up off my back and smoothed it with my fingers. I had no idea what to say next. How many times have I imagined this happening. SAY SOMETHING.

“Umm… what class do you have next?” I chirped. Really clever, Vanessa. I straightened out my shirt. Why the hell did I wear this goddamn shirt, it looks terrible.

“Euro. Where are you headed?” he asked.

“Um.” I had no idea. “You know. Uh.” Shit. “Oh. Ah, Italian.” I looked up at the ceiling. This was awful.

“What level?” He wasn’t even looking at me anymore. He must think I’m such an idiot.

“Accelerated. Italian 1. It’s my first year. Last year I took Spanish, but the teacher was a total ass, so I dropped it.” I said quickly. Since when could I talk this long about nothing? God.

“Uh, that’s cool.” he said. Damn. He totally didn’t care. “Well, I gotta go, um, see you later.”

“Um, right. See you… later.” I called. He was halfway down the stairs by now. God.

I sighed. Then I felt someone’s hand on my arm. Not willing to get my hopes, I just turned around and tried not to make any assumptions as to who it was.

“Heyyy skank.” It was Remy. She tried to be like me but I couldn’t stand her fake-blonde guts. Not that I was much different, but still.

“Hey girl.” I said, not looking her in the eye and continuing to walk to Italian. “How long till class starts, do you know?” Walked faster.

“Like, I don’t know. Like, who cares. Class. Ha.” she slurred, trying to act nonchalant because she somehow picked up that that would make her more well-liked. Right, about that, Remy.

“Sounds like your GPA is gonna need some work then, Rem. Gotta go.” I could hear her behind me- “Byyeee, whore.”- but I didn’t particularly care. I picked up my pace as I went around the corner, then slowed down to walk into my Italian class.

A few people called out to me as I walked in.

“Hey girl.” I heard Alyssa say. I looked at her and smiled halfway, smacking the top of her desk lightly with my hand as I walked by. I couldn’t manage much more than half a smile right now, but no one needed to know that.