Autors Note: I don't know what this means, I simply wrote it from the heart. Everyone will have their own interpretation of it and please, do come and share it, within reason of course. I will apreciate all comments I recieve for this piece. Thank you all.

This is the mind of a madwoman

It is unthinkable, and yet I believe I thought it. Never in the world, and yet here it is, the thought planted in my head. Where it came from, I never shall know, but in my drunken state, what does it matter. Not at all, it doesn’t change how I feel, nor how I think of him. It doesn’t make me think any different, but nor does it help the situation. Every part of me feels confused, and yet feel happy in the state of disarray. When ever I shall feel complete and happy in myself, and reach my decision will be a day of reckoning, and day in which one heart will be broken, mayhap there would be two broken also.

Nobody should question my decision, for nobody knows my logic, and oft I think I know not the logic which I use. It could be said that I am cruel, but kind to both. I share myself, not so equally, between the both. Am I a common whore that uses men to please myself? No, but am I a prostitute, who allows others to use her, and give something in return? No, then what am I?

I feel somewhat in between many states and yet fixated with the magic of one. Should I leave it? Should I constantly travel, mix and be confounded by the complexity of it all when finally I become a sober self which many know. No, I’m not at all sure what I should do, but all others would tell me to simply do what feels natural and be who I am. Does alcohol make me who I am, yes, it quite probably does. I feel myself with alcohol, alcohol is the wicked friend all of us meet at some point in life, I am sure. It is a dear friend of mine, and were it not for the guidance and limits of those close to me, I should be friends with it much longer than they would prefer.

However, standards have been set that I should meet. Another week, and I shall be one again, I shall confound myself in the complexity of my persona and myself and I shall question. So many questions, but why? Is it for the complexity of who I am in its entirety, or is it for the complexity of who I am not?

Nobody shall know, no. Nobody shall know…

I feel within myself, unconfident, and yet hiding behind the façade of confidence. Appearing to be most alluring to somebody who wishes to mould me, and in time use me for their own pleasures and wishes. Appearing to be more mature than I wish to be, for the innocence is what I wish to embrace.

Without these inhibitions, perhaps I would be a quiet and unselfish person, but with them, I am something withal strange in the wholeness of the perceived imagination.

I question often, I identify little. Could it be right, or could it be that which I do not wish to embrace fully, but is right in its comforting nature? I could not say, I could not decide, I simply could not. I daresay I am wise beyond my years, and I honestly say that in that, I have made many mistakes, but for the greater purpose they all have been. I would imagine…

And then comes the problem, the other problem moreover. My heart is dedicated to two, but only one it should belong to; the older or the peer? It is the dilemma that wracks my mind, my heart and my being, but I push it away; I reject, it.

No, I do not want it. I do not wish to embrace it under any circumstances, pretences or treaties. I do not wish to think of it, ponder it or consider it for it is not my decision. I have no inkling of where this decision came from, and nor do I wish to begin to discover it. It is an inkling, an instinct and follow it I shall; desert it, I shall not.

I scream and I yell at it. It is not a physical or sentient being. I cannot touch it, cannot harm it, and only delay with the drug that is legal to a certain quantity. This is my poison and I choose to drink it!

This is the mind of a mad woman...