This monologue goes out to one off my bestest pallios, Llama ears. You know I loff you. Review her work!

Monologue- Waiting for Dave

Name- Abby

Age- Mid teens/high school

Summary- Abby, a teen with the sanity of a squirrel wielding a bushwhacker, waits for Dave, the man of her dreams, to call while she has a rather one-sided conversation with Teddy, her stuffed bear.

Scene- Abby sits at a table with a phone and Teddy

(stares intently at phone)

(to phone) Ring, damn phone, RING!- (to Teddy) Oh Teddy, what did I get myself into? I mean, what was I thinking when I gave him my number? After all, it is scientifically proven that guys only call back 62 of the time and Dave apparently has join the 38. He could just be late… he said he would call or stop by today.

(pause) (stares at phone)

(to phone) Ring, damn phone, RING!

(phone rings) (Abby screams bloody murder) (pause)

(to Teddy) Ooh… it’s ringing!

(phone continues ringing in background)

Well, that’s what phones generally do. Unless of course you have those little games on them, and then they tend to beep. Unless they’re on silent. Then they’re silent.

(phone still rings)

Wait. What if it’s Dave, Teddy? What do I say?

(falls to knees)

Speak, your Holy Plushness!

(pause)

What, not a word? Fine, I’ll just answer the phone.

(picks up phone)

(to the person on the phone line) Hello?

(pause)

Um, I really don’t handle the finances of this-

(pause)

Uh, I really don’t think we need another mortgage.

(pause)

Erm, that sounds lovely, but-

(pause)

Look sir, I’m in high school. I don’t own a home. I mean, I live in one, but don’t own one, so you’re just wasting your time. So, bye.

(begins to slam phone, then quietly sets it down) (makes faces at the phone) (looks at Teddy)

(to Teddy) What? It’s not like everyone can look cute and cuddly 24/7 like you.

(beat)

This whole Dave thing is driving me sane! He’s the only guy who doesn’t think I’m insane. He knows I’m insane, but… he likes it. He likes me. (dreamily) Yeah… (to phone) Oh ring, damn phone, RING!

(phone rings) (Abby screams bloody murder)

Okay, that’s just getting kind of creepy.

(picks up phone)

Hello?

(pause)

You again?

(pause)

Why I oughta-

(pause)

What?

(pause)

Uh hu, that’s nice.

(pause)

No, I don’t want to buy a jacuzzi.

(pause)

You know what? I’m waiting for a really important call.

(pause)

Yep.

(pause)

Do you people go door-to-door? Actually, I changed my mind, I really don’t want to know. So, bye!

(slams down phone)

(to Teddy) Teddy, when’s Dave going to call? This is like eating poop and then pooping it back out. Double poop. Re-poop.

(beat)

(to phone) Ugh! RING ALREADY!

(door bell rings)

(to Teddy) No. No no no no no. NO! Stupid door-to-door salesmen! They’re all out to get me. All of them!- (shouts to person at door) Stand back freaky mortgage and jacuzzi person! I have a black belt- (quieter to herself rather dejectedly) It’s leather and has a silver buckle.- (shouts to person at door) Beware of me!

(pause)

Okay, so you’re going to stay outside? I see how it is! Well, I’ll just have to come outside and beat you up myself!- (to Teddy) It’s been nice knowing you, Teddy.

(marches off stage) (sound of door opening)

Hi-ya!

(crashing sound)

Oh, hi Dave!

Scene.