Free

By Irony Illuminator

Disclaimer: The italicized words are lyrics to "Set Me Free" by Casting Crowns. I do not own them.

The image on an innocent child flashed before me, smiling and giggling, pointing excitedly at the graceful flight of a butterfly, running from the approach of a bumblebee. Life at its richest, at its fullest, at the time when it cannot hurt you as it does when innocence has fled with the light of morning.

“…Before the dark ones came, stole my mind, wrapped my soul in chains…”

Here I sit in the darkness, surrounded by nothing, desiring only light, yet I cannot move. I cannot stir from where I am, for I am bound, bound by what I cannot see, bound by what I refused to see.

Quite possibly bound by my insanity…

They speak to me again. They tease and torment and mock and cajole and attempt persuasion. They beat the drums of their arrogance in my ears, reminding me that I am not my own anymore. I do not hold my will in my hands. I do not control what I once possessed.

My soul…

“…Hoping someone hears me, crying in the night, and carries me away…”

How I wish for salvation. How I long for my screams to be heard. How I long for the darkness to lift, if only for one moment, if only to feel the crushing weight slide away from my chest and be able to breathe again…

If only for one moment…

And then to return to this eternal darkness, to wait and pray for another moment like that one, to hope against hope that it comes, all the while knowing that I pray for the impossible…

They drag on the ground, these thick metal links that wind around my body. They are dead weight hanging from my arms. They absorb any attempts to escape their torturous bonds; they suffocate the wearer. I scream, and weep, and hear only the echoes of my own voice in reply. Despair…such a familiar companion…

“Morning breaks, another day, finds me crying in the rain; all alone with my demons I am…”

It is morning, and yet it really is not. I know it for what it really is: an illusion. A sun, which flickers and whose light is dim enough to gaze at unblinking, rises in the dull, pale blue sky, illuminating the dull pale sand beneath my feet, illuminating the whole of the desert, illuminating the illusion.

I sink to my knees in that illusion and weep. Each morning, in keeping with the pattern of hoping against hope, I pray for something different, for something to have changed magically overnight.

All is an illusion. All of it, except for these cursed beings that hover over my shoulder, dangling their fingers in my brain, digging their talons into my skull, projecting their thoughts into my mind.

My demons…only mine…

“Who is this man that comes my way? The dark ones shriek; they scream his name.”

I lift my eyes from the ground, ignoring the tears of my sorrow. There stands a figure in the distance, walking toward me. My breath catches in my throat. Satisfaction drifts past as I hear the screams of my dark companions. They shriek their profanities and hurl their insults, and still he comes.

Hope blossoms. More wishing for the impossible, more dreaming of what cannot be, but I cannot help myself.

Still he comes toward me as I scramble to my feet, encumbered by the burden of my chains. They seem especially heavy, as though an active, physical force, trying to deny me my right to plead for my salvation standing up.

“Please,” I call. My voice rasps in my throat. “Please…help me…”

I cannot move. I can only stare at him as he comes so close that I can see every detail of his face. His hands hang at his sides; I can see jagged holes going straight through them, from which trickles of blood run. More blood trickles from gashes on his forehead, stretching all the way across, and a gaping wound adorns his side.

All of this I see at a glance, but the one thing I cannot forget or look away from is his eyes.

Such eyes…I have never seen such eyes before: large, dark brown eyes, compassionate, knowing and commanding, loving and strong, all at the same time.

And those eyes look straight at me…

“…And darkness cannot hide…”

The screams and cries that fill my mind are unthinkable. Just when I think my head will erupt, the screams are gone. The voices are gone. They are gone. The illusion vanishes. A roaring sound fills my ears; light blinds me, light more pure and beautiful than anything I have ever seen.

Suddenly I feel…light. Light, as though I weigh nothing.

I look to my feet and find my chains lying there in a worthless heap, meaningless and ineffective, unnecessary and powerless. I look back at the man and he smiles at me, a gentle smile that touches the soul I did not think I had.

He holds out his hand to me, and I take it, stepping over the pile of chains and walking by his side.

“Do you want to be free? Lift your chains, I hold the key; all power on Heaven and Earth belong to me. You are free… You are free…”

I am free.