Brandon could feel Eric trembling. He almost felt bad for what was about to happen, almost. Leaning in close he said, “Don't turn around.”

Then Tori, who had somehow gotten behind them, sneaked up close and put a cold hand on Eric's neck. The scream must have been audible for miles.

“Oh my God, not that I believe in him, you are such a stupid goof,” Tori said, doubled over with laughter.

Somehow Brandon managed not to even crack a smile. Instead, he cradled his lover in his arms and glared a glare that said, 'That was so funny, but I have to pretend to be angry!' He ran his finger through his boy's hair and whispered sweet, NC-17 nothings in his ear. Then he proceeded to grope his, above the waist. It was sure to make Tori jealous.

His friend raised a brow, and said in a French accent, “You stupid American, I do not care who you grope.”

- - -

Two days later the trio found themselves in Tori's bedroom. Eric had almost fainted upon entering. He had thought that the whole olive thing had been a joke, but on every wall was a random picture of someone with an olive lodged not in their butts, but also in their eye sockets, ears, penis, and even between their toes. He felt nauseous. Thankfully, none of the sordid pictures contained Tori.

“Umm, how did they fit olives into the little hole on their penis?” he asked, just too curious to let it go.

“Well,” Tori began, but then an airplane flew by overhead and drowned out the explanation so I never heard it.

Brandon giggled at the painful explanation and pointed at the picture on the ceiling of a man inserting a walrus where the sun doesn't shine, “Explain that.”

“Oh, that's quite simple: he's made of silly putty. Duh,” Tori said, rolling his eyes.

“Somehow I don't think he's joking,” Eric said, scrunching his face up in disgust, “i bet the walrus smelled really bad afterwards.”

“Dude, the less you think about it the better,” Brandon said.

Suddenly Tori jumped up and screamed. “I have the best idea in the world!” he shrieked, “Lets go into my basement and meet the somewhat perverted mole people who live there.”

Having nothing better to do, the other two assented and followed him to the a small door in the kitchen with the words, “Forsake all virtue here, for below moles shall KNOW you!”

“How creepy,” Eric said, looking scared.

Brandon gathered him in his arms and hugged him really, really tight while fondling him through his jeans.

“I'll so KNOW you so much that those moles will just get tired of waiting for me to finish and catch a meal at Red Lobster instead, if you want.”

“How sweet!” Tori exclaimed, sliding so close to Eric that the boy felt rather uncomfortable.

“Could you not stand so close,” he said, trying to swat at Tori's hands, which grope his butt while still hugging his boyfriend.

“If you think I'm bad, just wait until you meet Beatrice Mole. She even scares me.”

And so they left their virtue in the fruit bowl on Tori's fridge and went down the steps as slowly as they could to prolong the time that they had ungroped by strange mole women.

A/N: Not very funny, but the mole section will be to die for.