The door slowly creaked open, and a man wearing a simple gray suit walked in. He set his briefcase on the ground, sat at the desk, shuffled some papers, and stared at the classroom of soul-hungry students set before him.

"Hello," spoke the man in a childish, bubbly voice, "I'm Pee-Wee Herman, but you should call me Mr, Herman. Welcome to freshman year, and welcome to basic algebra. For the next semester, I will be teaching you algebra, and you will understand the joys of learning it. You will be given homework each day, and will be expected to turn it in the following school day. Every morning, when you come in, there will be a word on the chalk board behind me. When that word is spoken anytime throughout the day by anybody, we are all to burst out in horrified screams. If-"

"Can I go the bathroom?" A young blonde girl asked who had been fidgeting near the front.

"Well, kids. As you can see, we have a troublemaker already. What is your name, young lady?"

"Me? Well, I'm Susan Gam."

"Well, Miss Gam. I will not tolerate your smartass cmments throughout the entire year! Do you understand me! Now get to the back of the room, and I expect you to shut up for the rest of the day."

The confused girl gathered her backpack and pencil, and headed for the only empty seat in the back of the room.

"Okay then," continued Mr. Herman, "Let's take some attendance, shall we? Jacob Whizman? Hm, not here."

"Yes, I am."

"Murphy Brown? Hm, also not here. Must be freshman ditch day."

"Uh, I'm here, too, Mr. Herman."

"Susan Gam? Why does that name sound familiar? Ah yes, she's the troublemaker whom I have already gained a biast opinion about. She's here. Let's see who's next. Um, tell me if I am pronouncing this right. Jarree Kowlmarn."

"Uh, that's Gary Coleman," spoke a very distinct voice from the back of the room. Everyone turned to see who the voice belonged to and realized it was none other than Gary Coleman, sitting on a stack of books to see over the desk, and looking very studly in a blue turtleneck sweater.

"Right, whatever. Jarree, I won't tolerate any trouble from you either. Now I would send you to the back of the room, but you are already there. So instead, I am giving you an F on your midterm."

"But it's the first day of school!"

"Hey, I didn't say right now."

Gary, recoiled in his chair, astonished at how hard school was. Ever since being told that the only way he would ever find a decent job again would be to go back to high school and graduate with a B average, Gary assumed it would be easy. Now, he was coming to discover that life was about to throw him one fastball after another. He decided the best thing he could now was to take his sadness and anger and repress it into himself, so as not to affect his schoolwork. He spent the rest of the hour silently watching the math film Mr. Herman showed them, which oddly enough had very many scantily dressed woman in it. Finally, the bell rang and Gary headed for his english class. However, on the way there, tragedy struck.

Gary Coleman was very short, you see, and could not see past the herds of annoying humans. Therefore, it was without warning that he quickly bumped into a fat, pregnant, mexican girl who was eating a taco with her mouth and holding a horchata......... with her hand!

"Watch where you're going, cholo!" she shouted at poor Gary, who was still recovering from the initial daze. When Gary did not apologize within 5 seconds, her primitive sterotypical mexican instincts took over and she picked Gary Coleman up......... with her hands! She began to yell at him in spanglish gibberish, and Gary soon found himself overwhelmed and confused. Gary began to cry, and this enraged the girl more, she threw Gary on the ground and started to kick him. In a panic, Gary lashed out......... with his hand! And by hand, I mean fist. He punched her square in the stomach, killing the unborn baby instantly.

Now, I don't want to go into the details of what happened exactly, but let's just Gary went to court, pleaded guilty, had over 50 witnesses testify against him, matched all 8 of the forensic tests linked to the crime scene, and was found to be not guilty by an all black jury. He returned to school the next day. But by then, it was too late. The mexican girl was very depressed because it only took her 5 boyfriends after getting pregnant to find one who would take care of the baby, and now the baby was dead. So she told all of her friends, and they told all of their friends, and pretty soon the entire school hated Gary Coleman.

Therefore, it came to pass that by the third day of school, Gary had recieved a degrading nickname: Pregnant Mexican Puncher, or PMP for short. Why, during 1st period, Mr. Herman was taking attendance, and when ge got to Gary's name, he said "Oh wait, or should I call you Pregnant Mexican Puncher, you sick baby killing freak!" to which everyone responded with a heary scream, including Mr. Herman, because the word that day was "pregnant".

Later that day, Gary found himself sitting in the office of his guidance counselor, Michael Jackson.

"Okay, Mr. Colemourn, is it? What seems to be your problem?" asked Mr. Jackson.

"Well, Mr. Jackson. I'm having trouble fitting in here at Conservative Napkin High School."

"Aw, and why is that, PMP? I mean, Mr. Calemoon?"

"Well, have you heard of this girl named Taquito MacBurrito? Well, I punched her in the stomach, and it turned out she was pregnant. Now her baby is dead, and I'm unpopular! I just don't know what to do, Mr. Jackson. I can't go through all four years of high school without having any friends!"

"Yes, you can, Gary! Yes, you can!"

"Yes, I can, can't I! It shouldn't matter what other people think of me, as long as I think highly of myself! Thanks, Mr. Jackson! You're a real-"

"I'm Peter Pan?"

"Well, no, I was going to say you are helpful, but thank you for taking the time to see me."

Gary shook Mr. Jackson's right hand, and Mr. Jackson's left hand shook Gary's third leg, and they parted ways. After Gary was out the door, Mr. Jackson took a bottle of vodka out from under his desk and muttered unter his breath: "That guy is so screwed."