"Hoohoo, class. Do I have a treat for you today," giggled Mr. Herman as he waved his finger about. "I managed to sneak these videos out of my house without my wife seeing that I owned them, and now we get to watch them. So, which will it be? Sexy La-"

"Mr. Herman? How come we never learn about algebra? I mean, this is an algebra class isn't it? I feel as though I'm not gaining the proper knowledge I need to take a math class in my sophomore year," inquired Susan Gam.

"Mrs. Gam. You really like to keep pushing my buttons. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to send you to the principal. Now get out of my classroom."

And so with that, on the first day of the third week of school, Susan Gam was sent to the principal. Just as she left the classroom, student counselor Michael Jackson walked in. Or should I say that he moonwalked in? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that he walked in with style and grace, then turned to the classroom. Mr. Herman looked a tad nervous now that Mr. Jackson had suddenly entered the room. He backed away, sat on the edge of his desk, and waited for Mr. Jackson to speak.

"Class," he spoke loudly and in a romantic voice, "I have some news that is wonderful for Gary Coleman! He is no longer the least popular student at Conservative Napkin High School. Does anybody know why? That's right! We have a new student. Now, you may be wondering what this means for you. Well, as your student counselor, I am here to help you with this issue. A new student is an excellent thing for you, because it allows you to enhance your own self-esteem by making fun of somebody that nobody in the school knows, meaning that there is no risk somebody will come to their defense. So without further ado, please welcome your new peer and target of humiliation, Doug Funny."

An incredibly scrawny white boy wearing a green sweater vest and a pair of baggy shorts walked into the room, sporting nothing more than a backpack with a journal inside and a crew cut. Gary Coleman's first instinct was to laugh at the new kid, but his laugh was supressed by a sudden feeling of pity. He realized that this kid was about to go through all the torment he had been subjected to in the past few weeks. He decided that after class he would try to befriend the new kid.

“Now,” said Mr. Jackson, “Why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself Doug?”

Doug was silently frightened for a moment, and then began to speak: “Well, my family moved here from Bluffington, and before that we lived in Bloatsburg. I have a-”

“That’s enough, Doug. No one really cares.” Interrupted Mr. Jackson. “I have to go now, Pee Wee. I’ll see you at the lounge, okay?”

“All right, Doug,” began Mr. Herman after the room was cleared of the presence of the student counselor, “You can sit next to Gary.”

“There’s already a girl sitting there.” replied Doug somewhat bashfully, yet figuring it was an obvious enough fact to state.

“Oh, that’s right. Susan sits there! Susan! Take this referral to the principal. I want you to tell him I find you smoking crack in class and I want you expelled.”

Susan stood up, recieved the referral, and stormed out of the classroom muttering how much she hated the new kid under her breath. Doug took his seat next to Gary, and Mr. Herman went on teaching his lesson. Doug pulled out a notebook and some pencil. At first, Gary thought he was taking notes, but as he watched Doug write it became more and more apparant that Doug was writing in a journal. The handwriting was very illegable, but some words surfaced alot: Patti, Porkchop, darkness, in, my, soul, and Honker Burger were all words that came up often. Finally, Gary leaned over and began talking to Doug.

“I used to keep a journal, too.” stated the former child star, hoping to communicate to the boy in the green sweater vest.

“God damn it, Doug!” shouted Mr. Herman, turning around from his lesson suddenly. “I am fed up with you talking to Gary! You have earned yourself some severe punishment for this one! Take this cigar and blindfold, and head out to the school firing wall! Oh, no! Don’t blame me! This is your own fault, mister!”

“Wait!” shouted Gary. “I was the one talking. Not Doug.”

“Oh. Continue on then, Gary.” answered Mr. Herman, and he went back about his lesson.

Gary decided that his best bet would be to apologize about the incident he had just stirred up in class once they were in between periods. Once the bell rang, Gary hurried to catch up with Doug, but before he could tragedy struck. Three bullies tackled Doug in the hallway. One of these Bullies was Roger Klotz, the most feared guy in school. Rumors had started that Roger had kidnapped and raped the Mayor’s daughter, which is why her baby came out as a horrible green-skinned mutant. Other rumors said she was just a hobag. Regardless of the case, Roger Klotz was not a force to be reckoned with.

The bullies did not hesitate to unleash all hell on Doug, promptly giving him relentless blows to the stomach, face, and even his feet! Bum bum bum! A nearby teacher stopped to watch the show just as Roger and friends stopped to think or better ways to torment poor Doug.

"What should we do to Funny now?" asked Roger.

"I know! Let's shove his mouth full of something so he can't talk!" answered one of the goons.

"But what do we have?" asked another.

"I have this big wad of one hundred dollar bills." said a third goon.

"Great!" said Roger, already stuffing Doug's mouth with wads of Benjamin Franklins. "How do you like all that money, Funny?"

Doug mumbled incoherantly past several pictures of the president that never was which occupied his mouth. Roger continued to laugh and then said "Hey, we should get that one hot cheerleader to give him a blowjob while we hold him down! That'll really teach this doof a lesson."

"A lesson about what?" questioned the second goon.

"About being a new kid! Duh!" spoke Roger in a cruel manner. "Man, I'm bored. Let's go take a dump in the deep fryer at Burger Queen again."

And with that, they left. Doug stood up and began taking out all of the stuff that was shoved into his mouth, and then putting it into the trashcan. Gary approached slowly, and helped Doug throw away some of the money he had dropped.

"Thanks." said Doug.

"It's no problem. I'm Gary. Gary Coleman."

"I'm Doug Funny. Guess I'm not so popular around here yet."

"Sure you are, Doug! Those guys were just jerks! Lots of people like you!"

"Hi, faggot." said Mr. Jackson, who was walking by, to Doug. Doug waved.

"Anyway," continued Gary, "Wanna come to my house? I got that cool new video game: Cindy Sheehan's Dress-Up!"

"Well, I was gonna write a letter to this girl I like, Patti, but I guess that could be more fun." said Doug.

So they hoped on their bikes and began riding home. But on the way they got hungry. Gary promised that they could stop at Burger Queen as long as Doug was willing to pay for both of their meals. So they went inside and started to order when-

"Hey Funny!" yelled Roger, coming out of the deep fryer room, just buckling up his pants. "I thought I told you not to come around anymore!"

"Um, I don't think you did, Roger." said Doug.

"That's it, Funny! You don't piss me off like that! Now I'm gonna get me a piece of your sweet colon! Pull down your pants, bitch!"

"Leave Doug alone!" shouted Gary. "I know he's super stupid and gay. I also know that there is no good excuse to be nice to him or like him, but that is no excuse to be mean to him! Pull your pants up, Doug! You aren't going to know the same pains I did during my home schooling!"

Doug pulled up his pants, but then Roger began to snicker. He pulled out a knife and put it to Doug's stomach.

"Now," he said in a cold, sinister voice, "Take your damn pants off, Doug."

"N-no, Roger. You can't tell me what to do. I have a friend now who can stick up for me, and that is the only defense I need against your- AGH!" Doug screamed as the knife penetrated his bladder, causing his own urine to pour out along with several pints of blood. Doug fell to the floor face first, chipping all of his teeth. As blood began to fill up his bladder, it eventually started to tear in many places. Doug was rushed to the hospital later that night- after he did his homework, of course- for emergency treatment. Apparantly, his bladder was damaged more than humanly possible, and had to be replaced by a machine, which forced his urine out of his throat instead. For the rest of his life, Doug Funnie would have serious dental and medical charges, and would spray people with urine at random when he began to talk.

But what really matters is that he made a friend. And that's worth an entire lifetime of shame and severe agony.