A piece of work written in a sad mood. I hope no one feels offended in any way by this.

Imaginary Wings

Your time has not yet come

She almost thought she had been dreaming. Her eyes had been open but the world before her had been a blur, everything caught up in a sleepy state. It had been a day unlike any other day. A normal day. One where the sun was hiding behind the grey coat of clouds and refused to come out. She hadn't wanted to wake from her dream-like state. Hadn't wanted to return to the world of the living. The world where she was bound to the Earth. A world where misery would pull her down and restrain her imaginary wings. But when night fell she had found herself wide awake in her own bed, unable to sleep, unable to dream. Unable to fly. It made tears sting in her eyes.

Let me fly, she whispered to the empty air.

Her limbs were heavy when she stood from the bed, she couldn't make them function properly. Their extra weight was in her way. She couldn't fly like this. Her lips whispered words of no meaning but a soft, soothing tone. Vaguely she registered the sound of someone in the kitchen next door to her room.

Her eyes were open, staring out at the velvet blue sky beyond her balcony. They were open and staring ahead. Her movements felt slow as she stepped onto the balcony. The floor beneath her was cool against the soles of her feet. Soothing, like water.

She couldn't see the moon. Where had he gone?

She wanted to fly below the moon. Feel it's light on her imaginary wings as she flew free in the open air. Feel the wind against her face.

Her fingers gripped the railing of the balcony tightly as she hoisted herself up and climbed it, stood on the edge of everything. The moonless sky watched her silently as she smiled to herself. She would fly. The wind would brush against her face.

She let go.

Open your eyes

Once again the world was blurry to her eyes. She recognized the white painted walls as a hospital room. And she could not understand why she was there. Her limbs were heavier than before when she tried to move. They were weighed down by bandages and things she could not name. Things she didn't want attached to her. Confused eyes continued staring before turning to the window. Tonight was also moonless. She felt cold.

She should be flying, not chained to a hospital bed. She hadn't managed to spread her imaginary wings after all. Hadn't managed to avoid the fall to the ground when she let go of the railing.

Something gripped her heart tightly.

Let me fly, she whispered again to the empty air.

She closed her eyes, tried to escape the white, neutral walls that surrounded her. Closed her in. It felt so wrong, she was trapped, trapped and bound to the Earth again.

Open your eyes

Who's voice? She could not recognize it.

Her eyes opened. Something warm brushed against her fingers, her cold, cold fingers.

Why did you try to die?

It was a boy.

He sat on the edge of her bed. His dark eyes stared at her unblinkingly. She was breathless. The warmth of his fingers felt strange against hers as he took her hand in his own. A light touch. Somehow it felt unreal to her, this warmth. Like it didn't really exist.

You shouldn't want to die

She swept her tongue across her dry lips. Who was this boy, this strange boy that sat on her bed? She felt like she knew him from somewhere. But no memory could be recalled of his young face.

Have I seen you before? she asked in a hoarse voice.

The boy shook his head. He looked sad to her. Was she the reason for his sadness? She wanted to ask but the words seemed to slip before she could grasp them. He gave her hand a light squeeze.

I am sad because you tried to die. Why?

His mouth didn't move as he spoke. Yet she heard his words clearly inside her head. Silent, soft-spoken words. It made guilt take a stab at her heart to have made such a beautiful boy sad.

I wasn't trying to die. But my wings didn't spread, she said.

The boy shut his eyes. Did he not want to look at her? She was shameful. The single tear that rolled down his cheek made her ache. He withdrew his hand. Her fingers felt cold again.

Humans don't have wings.

Her mouth went dry.

Will I have wings if I die? she whispered.

Her question seemed to surprise him. He stared at her with wondering eyes before nodding. Relief washed over her. She would fly. The wind would brush against her face.

Why didn't I die? she wanted to know.

Your time has not yet come.

Her heart was beating faster now. What did he mean? She wasn't supposed to die yet? She wouldn't be able to fly yet...

When is my time?

But he only shook his head and stood from the bed. His form began to fade right before her eyes.

No, wait! she called out.

The boy was gone. Silence fell upon the room again.

Whenever they looked at her now their eyes were either narrow or filled with something bad. She had been given angry looks when she returned home after her stay at the hospital. They had scolded her for making them pay for her hospital bill just because she had been stupid. She never spoke back . Why wouldn't anyone understand that she had only tried to spread her wings?

The wings the boy had said did not exist because she was human.

It wasn't right for her to be human. It didn't feel right to look at her own reflection and notice the absence of wings spread out from her back. Her imaginary wings were white. Pure white.

The others had whispered behind her back. Whispered mean words about the girl who failed to die. She had tried to ignore the stares whenever she walked down the corridor while clutching her books tightly. None of them understood. She wasn't like them. She could not join them and be like them.

Be their pawn. It was all wrong.

Everything about the people and the place was wrong.

Her fingers brushed over her shoulder and further down her back, as far as she could reach. The tips of her fingers felt cold against her back. Always cold, like the misery had sucked the warmth out of her. She closed her eyes. Pictured the white wings sticking out from her back. They looked good.

Her small body seemed frail before the large mirror.

She popped the cap of the small bottle and emptied it into her palm. White pills. Sleeping pills. Maybe they could make her dream again. Let her escape. The glass of water stood ready by the sink.

Maybe she would meet the boy again too. Maybe he would grant her the wings she so longed for.

She smiled softly and put the white pills into her mouth. The glass of water was in her other hand.

She raised it to her mouth and paused for a moment.

Let me fly, she thought quietly to herself.

She swallowed.

The walls were again white as she awoke from her deep sleep. She stared in horror at them before squeezing her eyes tightly shut. So she had failed again. She was in another hospital bed, chained down again by the weight of her own limbs. She wanted to cry at the failure.

She didn't belong here!

Her eyes became unfocused. She felt sleepy.

She wasn't startled when she felt a warm hand take her own. It was the boy again. He was sitting on her bed again. His short legs didn't even reach the floor as they dangled in the air. She tried to smile at him. He shook his head. Sad eyes were connected to hers.

You did it again

She nodded weakly and felt relief at the small hand holding hers. It felt nice to feel someone else's warmth for once.

It is not yet your time. Please don't do it again.

Her little smile made his frown deepen.

Thank you for coming to see me, she said.

He let go of her hand.

I hope the two of us won't meet for a long time.

With that the boy was gone just as he had come. She was still smiling as she fell asleep. It felt good to know that someone cared.

When she came back home things had been just the same as last time. Or they had been, in the start. They worsened. She became small under their judging stare, cringed everytime they spoke to her in fear. It tore away at her. They didn't want to accept her. She thought that if they couldn't accept her the least they could do was to leave her alone. If everyone only could leave her alone so she wouldn't have to feel their eyes on her back. Hear their whispers.

She thought of the boy.

The only one who had come to see her when she lay chained in a hospital bed. She knew he must be an angel...But where were his wings? She had not seen them. Had they been hidden? Or were they invisible to mortal eyes?

She was certain they would be the most beautiful thing in the world. In her mind she could picture them, wings covered with light blue feathers that shone like silver under the sun. She wondered if they were light blue as she imagined.

Or did all angels have white wings?

She wished for her own to be white, pure white and beautiful.

When she tried again, would the boy return to find her in a hospital bed again? Would he tell her for the third time that her time had yet to come? She did not want to hear those words again. They filled her with such longing that it seemed unbearable.

She pulled her sweater over her head with the outmost care not to tangle her hair. She had worked so hard to make it look pretty today. No one had commented it. She shuddered slightly once her shoulders and arms were exposed to the cold temperature. The wind gently tugged at her hair.

After inhaling deeply she ran her fingertips over the bare skin on her arms. It was unscarred, pale and youthful under the light of the moon.

She smiled nervously up at the moon and hoped he wasn't sad. She didn't want him to be sad on her behalf.

She had already explained to him that soon she would have her wings so she could fly.

Her head seemed a little foggy and unclear after the valiums she had taken. She hoped they could lessen the pain, she didn't want to cry now.

She hadn't been able to find her father's knives or blades and so she had settled with borrowing the scissors from the kitchen. She could barely feel the weight of it in her own hand. The valiums made her feel lightheaded and slightly dizzy. Emotionless. Her eyes sought the ground far beneath her with a chuckle. She could not possibly fail this time. Would the boy be mad at her?

With the scissors in her hand she drew a light, careful line along her arm. Now or never. She wouldn't dare take another chance.

It stung as the metal broke through the tender skin and her breath seemed caught in her throat as she watched the first drops spill. One after another as her heart beat and rushed the blood through her veins. Tears stung in her eyes. She gathered her last bit of courage and repeated the movement twice, making the drops roll faster on their way to the ground.

She couldn't bring herself to watch, it made her nauseated to know it was her own blood. There was a disturbing lack of balance as she stood up and leaned on the railing, releasing a heavy breath.

There was a little noise as she dropped the scissors and gripped the railing of the balcony tightly instead. Her head was starting to spin. She wiped the blood from her hand so her grip wouldn't slip when she climbed the railing.

The one moment before her balance faltered completely was silent.

She fell.

The air whipped her hair about her face wildly. The sound of falling was all that reached her ears. And in one infinite moment she opened her eyes as saw the moon above her, grand and white.

I'm flying

A smile grazed her lips as her eyes closed again.

I didn't think the two of us would meet again so soon

Dark eyes saddened as he looked down at the body lying at his feet. Her long hair lay spread about her lovely face, legs and arms in odd angles. It was all wrong. Why was she smiling like that?

He couldn't have saved her this time, even if he wished strongly enough like he had the previous times. Her time had not yet come, but she had won against it. Won against time. He wished she hadn't.

If only he had told her before. Maybe it would have stopped her from doing this.

He kneeled down by her still form and reached out a hand to touch her shoulder. She looked so happy this way.

I am sorry I deceived you. It's my fault I never told you. I just wanted you to live.

He turned away from her as he rose to his feet again. Invisible to human eyes, two light blue feathered wings stretched from his back as he averted his stare to the night sky.

The angel offered the girl one last glance as he apologized.

I'm sorry I never told you the sin of suicide makes your soul lost to us angels.

The moon was the only witness of the lonely girl's smile as the boy faded.