A/N: I was feeling strangely inspired on the way home from the comic book store, so I sat down at my computer, wrote this, procrastinated a little by looking at weird mini Buffy action figures, then wrote the rest of this. A tribute to my true insanity. Reviews, please!

Disclaimer: Not all elements of the title are included in the following story. The author is not responsibly for any brain cells lost by the reader in an attempt to make sense of the following story. The following story is read at the reader’s own risk. Do not attempt any of the stunts performed in the following story, including: being a pirate, forgetting medication, flying, throwing shurikens and/or pirate hats, blowing up your friends/yourself/the world, and being stranded on a desert island. The following story was written by a professional driver on a closed course. No sides of bacon were harmed in the writing of this story.

A Tale of Two Cities, Three Girls, Four Smurfs, a Flying Pirate and Some Rum, Link, Mario, Llamas, a Psychotic Eggbeater, Lots of Randomness, Forgotten Medication, Narcissistic Elves, Gumby, Rogue Penguins, Several Gummy Bears, a Rain of Zimbabweans, and a Side of Bacon

OR

OMGWTFFLYINGPIRATE!!1!!1!!!!1

“We’re lost,” said Tess, who was lost.

And indeed, they were lost.

“Where are we again?” asked Lauren.

“We’re stranded,” said Mina, who was stranded. “On a dessert island.”

“Ooh, a dessert island?” asked Lauren excitedly.

“No a desert island,” amended Mina. “That was a typo.”

“Aw man,” groaned Lauren.

“We should really find our way out of this forest,” said Tess, who was wearing a pirate hat and a sword at her waist. “Hehe, I’m a pirate.”

“We’re in a forest?” asked Mina, confused. “I thought we were on a desert island!”

“I thought we were on a dessert island!” said Lauren.

“Well, we’re in a forest now,” said Tess. “Look, a pirate!”

“Look,” said Mina, “a flying pirate!”

“Look,” said the flying pirate, “I’m a flying pirate!” The flying pirate paused for a moment and hovered, thinking. “Fweeeeeee, I’m a flying pirate!” He proceeded to fly around in circles and do a mid-air flying pirate dance. Which was, coincidentally, almost the same as a Zimbabwean rain dance.

It started to rain Zimbabweans. Thankfully, they all got stuck in the trees.

“We’re saved!” yelled Tess joyfully! “Pirates always fly close to shore!”

The other girls looked at her.

“What?” she asked.

The other girls looked at her some more.

“What?” she asked again.

The crickets looked at her. And cricketed.

“Flying pirate,” called Tess, “you have a duty to save me, your pirate brethren!”

“I would, matey,” said the flying pirate, who had stopped doing the flying pirate dance, “but, y’see, I’m only a figment of yer demented imaginations.”

“Oh,” said Tess. “I see.”

“I’ve to cast off,” said the flying pirate, “I’m needed by some other delusional teenage girls. Keep up the pirating!”

“Aye, captain,” called Tess, saluting.

The flying pirate, who had been flying away, stopped short and turned around. “No, I captain. You first mate!”

“Avast!” yelled Tess, not knowing what it meant.

“Scallywag!” yelled Lauren, not knowing what it meant.

“Starboard!” yelled Tess, not knowing what it meant.

“Curmudgeon!” yelled Lauren, not knowing what it meant.

“!” yelled Tess, not realizing that it was only punctuation.

“Marshmallow!” yelled Mina, knowing perfectly well what it meant but not really caring.

“That’s it!” yelled the flying pirate as he hovered, enraged. “No one says marshmallow to me’ face and gets away with it!” And he began pelting them with Styrofoam.

“Huh,” said Mina, as Styrofoam bounced off her and her friends’ heads. “Why do you think Microsoft Word capitalizes ‘Styrofoam’?”

“Beats me,” said Lauren, shrugging.

“Aah!” yelled Tess, drawing her sword. “The scallywag is attacking is! Chaaarge!!!”

Her rubber sword flopped over. A chunk of Styrofoam hit her in the head. “Ow,” she moaned, “my brains…”

“Aah, flying pirate, I keeeeeel you!!!” screamed Lauren, and threw a bottle of rum at the flying pirate.

Tess blinked. “Where’d she get that rum from?”

Mina blinked. “I don’t know.”

Tess and Mina both blinked, to lubricate their eyes and defend them from foreign particles.

Lauren didn’t blink. Her eyes started to water. “Damn it,” she said, annoyed, and started blinking again.

“Eeee, rum!” yelled the flying pirate, catching the rum. “Rum rum rum, rummy rum rum,” he sang to something that might have been called a tune except for the fact that it really wasn’t a tune at all. He began to waltz with the rum in midair.

Tess tossed away her sword and took off her pirate hat. In a voice of pure fury, she said, “Give… me… back… my… RUM!!!” She threw her pirate hat like a shuriken at the flying pirate.

The shuriken-hat-thing caught the pirate (the flying pirate!) in the chest, and with a cry of “Arrrrr!!!” the flying pirate was knocked into Australia, where he landed, broke all of his bones except for three, and was nursed back to health by a mother kangaroo before being stepped on by a visiting llama.

Meanwhile, Tess’s hat came back to her like a boomerang. “Sweet!” she said, “I’ve got a boomerang hat! Lookit me, I’m Link!” She picked up her rubber sword from the ground and spun around in a circle with it.

“Well, then, I’m Mario!” said Mina, and she punched Lauren in the jaw.

“Ow!” said Lauren reproachfully. “That hurt! And it’s not very Mario-y at all—Ooh, coins!” Lauren danced around collecting the big gold coins pouring out of midair. “Hey, Mina, hit me some more!”

“Hey Tess,” said Mina, ignoring Lauren, “just out of curiosity, did you forget your medication today?”

“IAMNOTTESSANYMOREIAMTHESECONDCOMMINGOFLINKANDYOUWILLBOWTOMEFOOLISHMORTALS!!!!!!”

Mina whistled. “Looks like she did.”

“I am Link!” insisted Tess. “Look, I’ll prove it!” She reached into her back and pulled out a bomb.

“Tess, no!!!!!!”

BOOM.

A/N: Review, and get this free, flesh-tone, skin-textured T-shirt! (Note: T-shirt may not actually exist).