I woke with a jolt, gasping for breath as I fumbled for the light. It was a dream, only a dream. Chase was fine. I was sure of it. If I didn’t believe that, I would go crazy. I turned my head to look at the empty space in the bed beside me. Wishing-wanting-needing him to be home.

I started at the knock on the door,

‘Etta?’

‘Yeah,’ I sat up, turning up the light, ‘come in.’

The door nudged open and Greg peered in at me,

‘I was dropping something in Chase’s office and I saw the light. You okay?’

‘Yeah,’ I smiled faintly, ‘just a bad dream.’

Greg’s eyes softened with sympathy,

‘Babe. Chase?’

‘Yeah,’ I shrugged, ‘it’s okay. Really,’ I added at his doubtful look, ‘I know he’s all right. I’d know if he wasn’t. I just…miss him.’

‘I bet,’ Greg crossed the room, ‘and I bet he misses you too.’

I leaned over to hug my best friend, and noticed in the light how tired he looked,

‘Greg. Why aren’t you in bed?’

‘I just got back from a job,’ he pulled a face, ‘goddamn waste of time.’

I kissed his cheek,

‘Then go to bed. I’m fine.’

‘I don’t want you lying awake and worrying. Neither would Chase. In fact, if he knew you were worrying, he’d probably kick my ass for not keeping a better eye on you.’

I laughed, shoved him lightly,

‘I don’t think keeping an eye on me is your problem, Greg.’

Greg laughed instantly, waggled his eyebrows,

‘But you’re such a gorgeous eyeful.’

‘Get out,’ I laughed, turning back to slide under he covers, ‘creep.’

Greg grinned, rising to his feet,

‘Fine. But stop worrying and get some rest. Or you’ll be too tired next time he sneaks back.’

I sat up, shocked,

‘You knew?’

‘Of course,’ Greg rolled his eyes, ‘we all knew. Jesus, Etta, our job is to keep you safe. We do have some idea about who’s coming in and out of the compound.’

I blushed,

‘Right. Of course. I’m-I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you guys. I just…’

‘Etta,’ Greg shook his head, ‘please don’t be an idiot. You two wanted some time alone. That’s okay. We understand.’

‘But he’s your oldest friend,’ I bit my lip, ‘next time, I swear I’ll make him come down and say hi.’

‘Oh no,’ Greg shook his head, ‘don’t. I’d hate to feel responsible for curtailing all the crazy monkey sex.’

‘Shut up,’ I grumbled affectionately, curling back on the bed.

But Greg had done his job. Instead of worrying about Chase, I was now remembering the night four weeks ago, the night when Chase had bunked off his undercover job and come home.

It had been eleven at night and I was preparing for bed. In his absence I’d started going to bed earlier than usual, realising that cutting back on the time when I was awake, also cut back on the time I spent actively worrying about Chase. I’d gone for a glass of water to take to bed and, without warning; he’d walked into the kitchen. A battered, bruised solider of a husband, with his lovely black hair shaved short. He’d barely given me a chance to speak, his hands, his mouth relentless. We’d made love in the kitchen, or rather; he’d made love to me, with a kind of broken desperation. Afterwards, we’d gone to the bedroom and it had been slower, gentler, and softer. He’d barely let go of me that night, had insisted that I join him in the shower, had followed me to the kitchen when I’d gone for a drink and he lay awake the whole night while I slept, his hands running over my skin, my calves, my thighs, my hips, my arms, my back. When I’d woken, the sun rising in the bedroom window, I was alone.

‘Oh Chase,’ I stretched my arm into the cold, empty half of the bed, ‘come home, soon.’

---------------

It is hard being married to a brave man, it sets some kind of marital standard that you feel obliged to measure up to. The fact that Chase is also astoundingly gorgeous can be a pain too, next to such beauty it seems criminally wrong not to shave your legs. But the brave thing is definitely more difficult because I am, and I’m not ashamed to admit it, not the bravest of people. And so, on the day when I’d had to watch Chase pack up and leave for the job, holding back the tears had been physically painful. They’d been preparing for the job for a long time and so on the last day, Chase didn’t have much to do but finalise the preparations. I’d sat on the bed, cross-legged and silent, watching as he packed a small bag with simple, worn clothes, with his false identification. The worst moment was when he had me cut his hair, shaving it right down. I’d never known Chase to have anything but longer hair, black and thick and curling over his ears. He’d seen my face in the bathroom mirror as I dusted his neck down,

‘You don’t like it?’ he grinned.

‘Yeah,’ I pulled my lips back in a faint echo of a smile, ‘you look great.’

‘Etta,’ he turned, kissed my forehead, ‘babe.’

‘Really,’ I gulped, ‘it’s just different, that’s all.’

He bent to kiss me softly,

‘I’m going to miss you.’

‘Don’t,’ I said, thickly, pushing past him and out of the bathroom. I’d be okay as long as we didn’t mention the fact that in three hours he was walking out that door and I wouldn’t have any way of contacting him.

He followed me back into the bedroom, running a hand over the crew cut,

‘You think I look the part?’

‘Yes,’ I managed, ‘you look great. All the hostesses will be after you.’

Trust my husband to be working undercover in some seedy bar, overflowing with naked women.

He glanced at me, his eyes assessing,

‘Jealous?’

‘No,’ I fussed around with pillows on our bed, and could all but feel his eyes boring into my back, ‘you do whatever you have to do to stay safe.’

‘Etta,’ he said quietly, ‘I’m not going near the girls. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ I shrugged, smoothing down the bedspread, ‘but it wouldn’t matter.’

‘Bullshit,’ he turned me to face him, ‘if I even breathed near one of those girls, you’d…’

‘Not if your life depended on it,’ I interrupted, ‘if it comes down to sleeping with someone or getting killed, I know which one I’d want you to do.’

‘It won’t come down to that,’ he cupped my face in his hands, ‘I promise. Etta, baby, I’d cut off my hands before I touched another woman.’

I nodded briskly,

‘All right. But I want you to know that I’d rather know.’

‘Okay,’ he nodded seriously, ‘but it’s not going to happen.’

I moved away to glance out of the window at the car the boys had prepared. A battered, 4x4, the kind of car a drifter would have. Chase had been preparing for this job for almost a year now, slowly getting closer and closer to the heart of a drug ring that supplied half of Europe. They’d finally located the main centre as a string of seedy clubs in the east of London. And Chase had managed to get a job through a contact as a bouncer. It was foolish and female to worry about the fact that he was going to be surrounded by all-but-naked girls, especially when the job was so dangerous. I knew from the legal work that it was government paid and that worried me most, when the government don’t want to send their own people in, it is usually because they think its going to end badly. I felt Chase come to stand behind me, his arms sliding around my waist,

‘Nothing’s going to go wrong.’

‘Of course not,’ I nodded stubbornly.

He’d done some undercover jobs since we were married, but nothing like this. He knew it and I knew it, but neither of us were discussing it. He kissed the nape of my neck,

‘You know what I’m going to miss most?’ he asked softly, whispering.

I shook my head, close to tears now,

‘No.’

‘I’m going to miss my favourite part of the day. Opening my eyes in the morning and seeing you there. All crumpled and sleepy and mine.’

‘Chase,’ I swallowed hard. Chase wasn’t the kind of man who said these things, he wasn’t a romantic, poems and roses type of guy, and it was scaring me that he thought he had to say these things now.

He turned me to face, his eyes serious,

‘I’m not good with words, Etta. But I want you to know. if anything happens to me…’

‘Chase,’ I repeated, and shook my head, ‘don’t…’

‘If,’ he continued, ‘it did. I want you to know how much you matter.’

‘I do,’ I forced back the tears, ‘I do know and…’

I stopped at the knock on the door.

‘Oui?’ Chase answered curtly.

Vik entered,

‘Chase, we…’ he stopped, looking between us anxiously, at my brimming eyes and Chase’s tense expression, ‘sorry, shit. Um, Chase, we need you to look over some things. It won’t be long.’

‘Go on,’ I stepped back with a sniff, ‘seriously. I’ll just tidy up a little in here.’

Chase nodded slowly,

‘I’ll only be a minute.’

‘I know,’ I grinned at them both, a strange grin that hurt my face and had Vik’s eyes widening in alarm. Clearly I wasn’t fooling anyone.

Chase kissed my forehead, then bent to whisper in my ear,

‘Why don’t you get undressed? It’ll save us time when I come back up.’

I smiled at that, that was my Chase,

‘Okay,’ I nodded, ‘I’ll do that.’

He winked at me and followed Vik out. Two hours, I thought, staring at the clock by the bed, only two more hours.

----------------

The ping of the elevator door forced me back to the present.

‘Etta?’ my brother stepped out of the lift, ‘Greg said you were awake late last night. Worrying.’

‘I’m okay,’ I poked listlessly at my cereal, swallowed a wave of nausea.

‘You look a little peaky,’ he frowned as he kissed my forehead, ‘I’ll send Saul up.’

‘It’s okay,’ I patted his hand, ‘I just want Chase home and safe.’

‘Still,’ he shrugged, ‘it won’t do any harm. I was going to see if you wanted to help with an arrest but we’ll see what Saul says. He can always come instead.’

‘I don’t mind,’ I poured a glass of orange juice, ‘I have to go through some contracts later.’

‘Okay,’ he leaned against the fridge, watching me, ‘are you sure you’re all right?’

‘Yes,’ I snapped, ‘I’m just eating breakfast!’

‘Got it,’ Antonio raised his hands as if for mercy.

I sighed,

‘I’m sorry. I…I just slept badly and now I’m grumpy.’

He smiled,

‘You’re always grumpy.’

‘Shut up,’ I leaned back in the chair, ‘did you really come all the way up here to just bully me?’

‘All the way?’ Antonio laughed, ‘Etta, it’s three seconds in an elevator.’

I grinned at that,

‘You never come up here when Chase is home.’

‘That’s because every time the damn doors open, I catch you guys fooling around. And it’s gross. And wrong.’

Antonio’s face always goes prudish and shocked when he talks about Chase and I having sex. Three years into our relationship, a year into our marriage, and he still seems so horrified at the thought. I patted his hand,

‘We’ll start looking the door. I promise.’

The only problem is that the minute Chase touches me, I forget about everything else, including engaging the locks that stop the elevator opening on our floor.

My brother rolled his eyes and tugged my braid,

‘Yeah. I’ll hold you to that. I’d better go down and help Vik out. I’ll see you later, okay? Take it easy,’ he sent me a stern look, ‘until Saul’s checked you out.’

‘Will do,’ I blew him a kiss.

---------------------

Late that afternoon, I opened my folder of work. Since getting the law degree I’d been able to handle the legal aspects of La Cinq and help the guys out in that way. I hadn’t done as much work in Chase’s absence, with him absent I’d been needed a lot more out in the field. I wasn’t a great help, lacking the knowledge and strength that made the boys such dangerous opponents but I think they liked the company, and I know it made them feel like they were helping to distract me from Chase’s absence.

Saying goodbye had been awful. We’d spent the last hour in bed, so I sat there, wrapped in sheets as he dressed. I had to watch him change into a stranger. The kind of man you didn’t want to meet in an alley-or anywhere with shadowy corners. A man who’d slit your throat and smile as he did it.

‘Etta,’ Chase looked at me as he laced his boots, ‘it’s still me.’

‘I know,’ I said. And I did, it was just hard to see my Chase under the hired thug. I didn’t know what he was going to have to do to prove himself and, to be honest, I didn’t really want to know. He sat on the bed, tugged me over to sit on his lap,

‘Be good.’

I rolled my eyes,

‘Always.’

He laughed then,

‘Right. And no wrapping my men around your finger and getting up to mischief. I want you safe.’

‘I’ll be right here, Chase,’ I wrapped my arms around him, listened to his heartbeat, ‘right here, waiting.’

He kissed my bare shoulder,

‘Love you.’

‘Love you more,’ I reached up to kiss his mouth, ‘stay safe.’

I heard the elevator doors open in the living room and instinctively, my arms tightened. He nuzzled my hair,

‘You gonna let me go?’

‘Maybe,’ I took a deep breath, ‘maybe not.’

He stood up, keeping me wrapped around him, the sheets protecting my modesty, and opened the door to the other four,

‘I’m coming.’

‘Okay,’ they all shuffled back towards the elevator.

‘I have to go. I need to be there before dark.’

‘I know,’ I gave him a big smile, my best smile, ‘go on, kick bad-guy butt.’

His lips curved,

‘Just for you, babe.’ He set me down on the bed, ‘stay here. There’s no point coming down.’

I nodded, scared to speak in case the tears poured out.

His mouth twisted in frustration,

‘Don’t, Etta. If you cry, I won’t be able to go.’

‘I’m not,’ I managed, my eyes dry even if my voice was odd, ‘I won’t. I love you Chase, more than anything in the world. And if you don’t come back to me safe, I’ll…’ I stopped, ‘I…just don’t do anything stupid, okay?’

‘Got it,’ he bent, kissed me hard, ‘love you. Love you.’

And he left.

I got out of the bed when I heard the elevator doors close. He was gone. He was actually gone. And I’d managed not to cry. I shuffled to the window in my sheets. He was saying goodbye to the guys, all of them doing their macho back-slapping, arm-punching thing. And in a minute, he was going to get into that car and drive away. And I’d have no way of contacting him. He opened the car door, turning his head to say something to the guys that had them all nodding hastily. Probably threatening to rip them to pieces if anything happened to me. And then one leg was in the car and then an arm and…I yanked the window open and stuck my head out,

‘Chase!’

They all looked up startled. I looked at Chase and smiled,

‘Mr Renault!’

And he grinned, a gorgeous grin that made him look like my Chase,

‘Mrs Renault,’ he yelled back.

The guys looked at us, baffled, presumably as to why we were both smiling. And then he got in the car and he drove away. And the guys trooped back inside. And as I closed my window, I decided that I wasn’t in the mood to be brave anymore, and so I cried and cried and cried.

----------------

Feeling a little weepy at the very memory of it, I turned back to my work just as the elevator doors opened and Saul entered, his fair skin blushing when he saw my skimpy shorts,

‘Oh. Sorry. I’m disturbing.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ I rolled over on the sofa, patted the seat beside me, ‘sit.’

He sat obediently, keeping his eyes on my face. With Saul there was never any light-heartedness, no teasing jokes about my legs or my boobs. I smiled at him,

‘You’ve been sent here to check on me.’

He smiled,

‘You look well.’

I regarded him steadily,

‘There’s nothing wrong with me.’

‘I know,’ he looked down at his hands, grinning stupidly, ‘Etta, when did you…’

‘How did you guess?’

He smiled,

‘I didn’t study medicine for nothing. When did you know you were…’

‘Shh!’ I flapped my hands anxiously, ‘don’t! We can’t talk about it! You can’t even act like you know!’

‘But…’

‘Chase has to be the first. Its important. So you have to put it out of your brain until I tell him.’

‘All right,’ Saul smiled, ‘that’s fair. It’s right for him to be the first. So I’ll just ask,’ he continued casually, covering my hand briefly with his own, ‘how you’re doing otherwise? If you feel unwell in anyway?’

‘Nope,’ I grinned, ‘I’m in perfect health. A bit queasy when I wake.’

He nodded, both us smiling foolishly,

‘Excellent. I’ll report back a clean bill of health.’

‘Great,’ I grinned, ‘make sure you reassure the others that nothing’s wrong.’

‘Will do,’ he rose, glancing around the quiet apartment, ‘we’re going to make that arrest. Will you be all right on your own?’

‘Definitely,’ I tapped the work that I’d been about to look over, ‘I have plenty to do.’

‘All right,’ he nodded, still smiling in a goofy, non-Saul like way. I had only seen him smile a handful of times before, and now he could barely stop.

‘Saul,’ I said reprovingly, ‘you’re going to have to work on that poker face.’

He straightened his mouth but his eyes still sparkled,

‘I know. Tell me something bad.’

I looked up, grimly,

‘We haven’t heard from Chase for almost five weeks.’

Instantly the smile died,

‘Etta, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…bollocks.’

‘It’s okay,’ I rose, touching his arm, ‘its just…bad, isn’t it?’

‘Its not nice but its nothing to worry about,’ he walked beside me as I escorted him across the room to the lift, ‘and you shouldn’t worry. It’s not healthy for you or…’ he stopped, sent me a meaningful look.

I nodded,

‘I know. I’ve just been in a bad mood today. I keep thinking about the day he left. I wish I’d cried and asked him to stay. Because he would have,’ I added softly, ‘he would have turned down the job for me.’

‘Because he loves you,’ Saul said softly.

‘Thanks,’ I said, my eyes misting over, ‘ignore me. I’m just emotional today,’ I sniffed, ‘hormones, right?’

‘Hormones,’ he agreed, stepping into the lift, ‘we’ll be back by dinner. Will you come downstairs and eat with us?’

‘Definitely,’ I kissed him quickly as the doors started to close, ‘stay safe. All of you.’

‘Always,’ he smiled, and the doors closed.

I closed my files a short while later, frustrated by my lack of focus. Saul knew. And I hadn’t told him and he’d not said the actual words, so Chase was still going to be the first official person to know. I tried to imagine telling him, how would I do it? Where would I do it? Should I act serious, because it’s a major thing-the most major thing in our lives? Or giggly and happy so he knew that I was okay with it?

‘Christ,’ I muttered to myself, dropping the file onto the coffee table. He wasn’t even back yet and I was worrying about what to say. I headed into the kitchen and poked around listlessly for something to eat. I switched on the radio and smiled as an old favourite came on.

‘…because I’m going to make you know,’ I shook my hips as I began to cut up some fruit for a smoothie, ‘ooh, ooh. I’m going to be your number one…’

I scowled as the music cut out. Reception in the building was awful, no doubt due to the amount of radioactive equipment buzzing around on the top floor. I turned, still humming, to fiddle with the radio and froze.

‘Oh my god,’ I dropped the knife on to the counter.

Chase was in the doorway, his hand still on the radio. He was dirty, bruised, a grubby bandage on his left arm. He smiled, a slow, gorgeous smile that spread across his face,

‘Hey, babe.’

I pounced. I moved so fast I even surprised myself, one moment I was standing by the counter, the next minute I was wrapped around him. My legs around his waist, my arms around his neck and everything in me was holding on as tight as I could. I could feel his hands everywhere, under my t-shirt, across my back,

‘Jesus,’ he kissed me hard, a hungry, desperate kiss, ‘Etta. Etta.’

‘Chase,’ I couldn’t be close enough, pressing closer, desperate to be absorbed into him.

He tore at my top, yanking it over my head. I sensed him take a few steps, stumble over some discarded item of clothing, we swayed perilously and collapsed onto the sofa. Chase landing heavily on top of me. He swallowed my breathless giggles, running his hands up my bare legs.

'I missed you,' he whispered, his voice rough, 'I missed you, Etta. More than I thought it was possible to miss anyone. I missed your smile, I missed your sleepy crossness and I missed this,' he bent to kiss between my breasts.

'Chase,' I tried to shift, to hold him.

'No,' he kept me still, his eyes warming as he looked over me, 'let me show you how much I missed you. What I dreamed of doing to you, every night as I slept alone.'

--------

We lay there afterwards, sweaty and breathless. Chase’s head on my ribcage, tracing circles on my hip with his fingertip. He turned his head to press a kiss against my sternum.

‘Chase,’ I ran a hand over his hair, ‘I’m pregnant.’

There. I had said it.

For a moment, I felt him go completely still. He shifted, raising his head,

‘What?’

I tucked a pillow beneath my head,

‘I’m pregnant.’

He stared at me. Those green eyes wide and shocked,

‘You’re sure?’

‘Positive,’ I was getting a little nervous now, ‘Chase, honey….’

‘Wow,’ he sat up, still staring at me like I’d grown a third head, ‘when…’

‘That night,’ I sat up, watching him carefully, ‘when you came back. Its early days.’

‘My God,’ he tugged me onto his lap, hugging me tightly, ‘oh god…’

‘Chase,’ I stroked his hair, my face tucked against his shoulder, ‘Chase, are you okay with it?’

He nodded, his face buried in my hair,

‘Mmn.'

'Chase,' I turned my head, then when he refused to move, grabbed his head with both hands and turned his face to mine.

No. He wasn't angry. But those green eyes were suspiciously bright.

'Oh,' I breathed. I had never seen Chase even a little teary. 'Oh baby,' I wrapped my arms around him, covering his face in kisses, 'you're not mad?'

'Mad?' he laughed a little, his voice tight, 'mad? Christ,' he kissed me softly, 'Etta...ours...'

'Yeah,' I felt a little teary myself, 'mama and papa Renault.'

'Woah,' he grinned at me, foolishly, 'I can't...'

Before he could continue, the elevator doors opened and Antonio stepped in,

'You still down for dinner...' he stopped abruptly, as he realised I was sitting naked on the sofa, wrapped around my equally naked husband. He slammed his hand over his eyes, spinning around, 'Chase, man, good to have you back, but Etta!' his voice raising to a whine, 'You promised!'

-----------

Chase went down to say hello to the guys while I redressed and tidied up. Like Saul, the mystery man Chase was grinning like an idiot, all but bouncing with excitement. But I'd managed to persuade him to stay quiet. I wanted to tell the guys at dinner, when we were all together. I was heading towards the elevator just as it opened and Chase stepped out.

'Hey gorgeous,' he spun me under his arm, planting a kiss on my mouth.

'Nice to have you home,' I murmured, returning the kiss. My heart clenching as my hand brushed against the bandage,

'You're hurt.'

'Nothing serious. I'm home now,' his grin flashed, 'thats all that matters.'

‘I know,’ I ran my fingertips along the contours of his face, the razorblade cheekbones, the stubborn jaw, the wide, flat mouth, ‘its just that you were gone so long.’

Two months. Two horrible months of worrying. Two months of down-to-the-bone missing.

‘I know,’ he kissed my forehead, smiled smugly, ‘and you missed me.’

‘Yes,’ I said softly, ‘I did. You know I did.’

His hands lowered, brushed across my belly,

'I can't believe it, Etta.'

'I know,' I followed him into the lift, 'but just thinking about it makes my face ache for smiling.'

'Yeah,' he nuzzled closer, 'I can see that.'

The elevator doors opened at the guys apartment and we stepped out. We entered the kitchen, Chase’s arm draped casually around my shoulders. Greg grinned,

‘Aw,’ he cooed, ‘the lovebirds.’

‘Shut up,’ Antonio grumbled, 'I think I'm still blinded from the horror of the sight.'

'Funny,' I pinched him.

Vik handed me the cutlery,

'Set the table, Etta. There's a darling.'

'No,' Chase took the utensils from my hands, 'I'll do it. Sit down, Etta.'

'Chase,' I stifled a sigh, 'you just returned from two months work. I can do it,' I looked at him meaningfully, 'really.'

'Sit down both of you,' Saul said quietly, taking the cutlery from us both, his eyes bright with humour as he looked between us, 'I'll do it.'

Chase sat down, tugging me onto his lap,

'You need to take it easy,' he murmured.

'Yeah?' I looked down at his arm, 'I'm not the one who's all banged up.'

'Are you fighting already?' Vik tutted, setting the food down.

'No,' I rolled my eyes, 'we're discussing. It's what couples do.'

The guys took their places. And it felt right, the six of us, with Chase home and safe.

‘A toast,’ Greg raised his glass, ‘to homecomings.’

‘And staying alive,’-Vik.

Antonio grinned,

‘And locked doors.’

‘To the team,’ Saul chimed in, his eyes on mine.

‘To Etta,’ Chase murmured.

I paused, waiting until they turned to me,

‘To the baby.’

There was a moment of stunned silence. Their eyes swivelled to Chase’s broad grin, to my stomach, and finally back to my face. Antonio’s mouth dropped open,

‘You’re serious?’

‘Congratulations, uncle,’ I tapped my glass against his.

‘Oh my god!’ Greg leapt to his feet, ‘oh my god! It’s real!’

‘Yeah,’ I giggled, laughing as Vik smothered my face in kisses, ‘it’s real.’

‘This is amazing!’ Vik yelled, turning to give Chase’s a hard, swift man-hug, ‘congratulations, man!’

‘There’s going to be a baby,’ Greg kissed me hard, ‘a baby Etta or Chase.’

‘Yeah,’ I nodded, leaning into Chase as he wrapped an arm around my waist, 'there's going to be a baby.'