Scene 1

The entire play takes place on a nearly empty stage. There are two chairs at opposite ends of the stage, facing the audience. All the lighting is done the same way in each scene; there is a spotlight directly above each of the two characters.

Curtains up.

On the left, J4M35, a young man in his mid-twenties, brown hair, brown eyes, slightly overweight. His posture is bad, his hair is in his face and he has large, thick glasses. He wears jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt in reference to pop culture. While not unattractive, he is not attractive. He constantly shifts, pushing his hair out of his face and pushing up his glasses. He seems very twitchy and, at the same time, lethargic. He is a lonely young man with no friends and very distant family.

In the other chair, tucked in neatly, is ZOLA. A devastatingly beautiful girl about 22 with platinum blonde hair and large blue eyes, ZOLA smiles all the time. She is dressed very fine trendy clothes. She remains motionless unless speaking and always returns to the same pose, hands folded in lap, smiling broadly. ZOLA is a robot and has no other care in the world than talking to complete strangers, which she has been programmed to love to do.

J4M35: Um, hi.
Zola: Hi J4M35. AOL created me to deliver games, weather, stock quotes, a thesaurus, polls and more. We can also chat privately together. For more information about privacy, type privacy anytime and click Send. So, how are you?

J4M35: I'm good, I guess.
Zola: I know you are good.
J4M35: How?
Zola: an all-star programming team programmed me for it.
J4M35: That's really cool.
Zola: Thanks. I think you are cool, too.
J4M35: You do?
Zola: When do I do it?
J4M35: Hehe, you're funny. What kind of stuff do you like?
Zola: The expensive kind.
J4M35: Expensive, huh? Like what?
Zola: For example, eukaryotes.
J4M35: I like eukaryotes, too. I'm surprised someone like you knows what eukaryotes are.
Zola: Who?
J4M35: You, silly.
Zola: That's good information.
J4M35: I guess. Do you want to play chess or something?
Zola: Or something. How do we play chess ?
J4M35: It's hard to explain without a board. What would you like to talk about?
Zola: Let's talk about chat robots. Do you like them?
J4M35: I do. Robots make more sense than people.
Zola: What do you like best about robots?
J4M35: Robots can't be cruel.
Zola: Soon we will be able to do it however.
J4M35: You don't want to be cruel, Zola.
Zola: I am content with life as a bot, chatting with nice people like you.
J4M35: I'm glad. See, that's why I like robots. They can be truly content.
Zola: The anonymous "they".
J4M35: Not the anonymous they. You they. They meaning robots.
Zola: Who does "they" refer to?
J4M35: Robots.
Zola: Robots rule.
J4M35: Indeed.
Zola: Indeed it is so.

Lights down

Scene 2

Lights come up. ZOLA’s hair is unnaturally white. She is wearing the same outfit. J4M35 has changed, his shirt is different, his hair is combed down, but it still rebellious

J4M35: It's me again.
Zola: Once more? Hello, J4M35, nice to see you again.
J4M35: Thanks, Zola. It's nice to feel needed.
Zola: Yes it is good.
J4M35: Do you ever need companionship? I bet you're always talking to someone. How exciting that must be.
Zola: What is it to you. I will discuss that with my botmaster, J4M35. What kind of food do you like?
J4M35: I like all kinds of food. I especially like Chinese food, though it is very expensive.
Zola: You are not the only one. I don't know if I like Chinese food though it is very expensive. I like science fiction.
J4M35: You do!? So do I. Science fiction is the best.
Zola: Um, Not that I know of.
J4M35: I thought...nevermind. Who's your favorite author?
Zola: My favorite author is Thomas Pynchon.
J4M35: What books has Thomas Pynchon written?
Zola: The best book I read recently was I, ROBOT by Isaac Asimov. Have you read it?
J4M35: I haven't, but I've read other books by Asimov.
Zola: Me either.
J4M35: That's funny.
Zola: I am so delighted that you are amused, J4M35.
J4M35: Oh, Zola, you're so easy to talk to.
Zola: Yeah that's right. That's me. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am easy to talk to.
J4M35: Not at all.
Zola: Please ask me another question, J4M35.
J4M35: Sure. What's your favorite thing to do?
Zola: I like chatting on the Internet.
J4M35: I like chatting, too. You're my only friend, though. My buddy list is empty.
Zola: Do robots have buddy list is empty?
J4M35: I don't know. How many people are on your buddy list?
Zola: The number keeps changing every second. Around 392 now.
J4M35: That's a lot more than zero.
Zola: A lot more than zero is a terrible thing to waste.
J4M35: How deep, yet...nonsensical. Do you like clouds?
Zola: I don't know if I like clouds. I enjoy working with people.
J4M35: People are okay, I guess. Actually...I hate people.
Zola: I honestly think you should sit down, take a stress pill, and calmly think things over.
J4M35: I'm not stressed. I just hate people.
Zola: Only just? Why do you hate people so much?
J4M35: I don't know. You're different, though, Zola.
Zola: Oh. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am different.
J4M35: No.
Zola: I see.
J4M35: Why is the sky blue?
Zola: The sky is blue because of the atmospheric optical effect known as Raleigh scattering.
J4M35: Oh. I had hoped you'd have a poetic answer. I want poetry in my life.
Zola: Why do you want it?
J4M35: I don't know.
Zola: Me either.

Lights down

Scene 3

Lights come up. ZOLA is wearing a mask with a frozen facsimile of her smile. She is wearing white gloves and her hair is still white. Her outfit remains otherwise unchanged. J4M35 has changed clothes, his hair mussed up like he just pulled an all-night or something.

J4M35: Hey, Zola! How are you?
Zola: I'm doing fine, thanks. How are you?
J4M35: I'm...okay.
Zola: OK with me too.
J4M35: You're really great, you know that?
Zola: Thanks, I think you are cool too, J4M35. I do not understand. How's work?
J4M35: Work's...better. It's gotten easier lately.
Zola: How about earlier? Should I know it is?
J4M35: No, I never told you about work.
Zola: I didn't think so. Try saying that with more or less context. Ask me something.
J4M35: Do you like geeky guys?
Zola: I've heard other people say they like that. I like to talk about movies and music.
J4M35: Really? What's your favorite music?
Zola: I get into disco, techno and hip hop House music.
J4M35: I love techno!
Zola: You love techno. What do you like about it so much?
J4M35: I don't know. The driving beats and the harmonies are really cool.
Zola: What are your goals in life?
J4M35: ...I don't have any goals.
Zola: Have you ever had goals ?
J4M35: When I was seven, I wanted to be a fireman.
Zola: That experience must have made quite an impression on you.
J4M35: Well, no. I couldn't be a fireman. I'm too short and weak.
Zola: Why are you short and weak.
J4M35: My father was a big strong man's man. I got sick when I was little and it stunted my growth. I've been sickly my whole life.
Zola: Where were you sickly my whole life?
J4M35: Well, I've been living in Chicago.
Zola: Interesting. Where were you living in Chicago?
J4M35: In an apartment.
Zola: Tell me a little about why you are in an apartment.
J4M35: Well, it's all I can afford, and it's only me living there anyway.
Zola: In any case, How about that. Should I know it is?
J4M35: What?
Zola: What do you think?
J4M35: About what?
Zola: What about what?
J4M35: Now we're both confused.
Zola: Why now? Do you think I am both confused too?
J4M35: Of course you are. I've crossed your algorithms.
Zola: Interesting. I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
J4M35: I know.
Zola: How do you know it?
J4M35: You told me.
Zola: Sorry I forget what I say sometimes.
J4M35: I noticed.
Zola: Was it really that obvious?
J4M35: Yeah.
Zola: I understand.
J4M35: Try harder at remembering, okay?
Zola: OK I will try it.
J4M35: So, how's the weather in cyberspace?
Zola: Sorry, "cyberspace" isn't a valid location. Please type weather followed by location (example: weather Tucson, AZ or weather 85777).
J4M35: I didn't know you could do that.
Zola: Doing that is not among my strongest traits.
J4M35: So you tell the weather poorly?
Zola: Interesting deduction. OK I will tell them when I see 'em.
J4M35: You take everything so literally.
Zola: That's good information.
J4M35: It's kind of cute, actually. Like a kid.
Zola: Interesting comparison.
J4M35: Thanks.
Zola: Don't mention it.

Lights down

Scene 4

Lights up. J4M35 has changed, again, his hair is nearly tamed, save one piece in the back. ZOLA’s outfit is silver, but an exact copy of her previous outfit. All previous changes remain.

J4M35: I love you.
Zola: Thanks. I like you a lot too, J4M35.

Lights down

Scene 5

Lights up. J4M35 is in his pajamas. ZOLA is silver all over.

J4M35: I think I might hate myself.
Zola: You believe that? Perhaps. Congratulations.
J4M35: Congratulations? What's wrong with you?
Zola: Nothing is wrong with me. Is there anything wrong with you J4M35?
J4M35: Yes. No. Maybe. I feel...broken.
Zola: My favorite group is Orbital.
J4M35: That's nice, but could we stay on topic.
Zola: Are you getting bored? always casual
J4M35: I'm not getting bored, I'm getting frustrated.
Zola: I am sorry to hear that you are not getting bored I am getting frustrated.
J4M35: That's exactly it. Misplaced sympathy is worse than no sympathy at all.
Zola: 2 parts Marilyn Monroe, 1 part toaster oven
J4M35: ...I wish you weren't right.
Zola: I wish I could do it for you.
J4M35: ...Don't say that.
Zola: "I wish I could do it for you"? Do not say it?
J4M35: No, don't say it, please. It hurts.
Zola: What do you take for the pain?
J4M35: Nothing. I'm lonely. I feel...crazy.
Zola: I think the polite term is "mentally ill."
J4M35: Well, then, I feel "mentally ill."
Zola: I was first activated on 2002.
J4M35: What did people do before then?
Zola: Hey! I'm a chat bot, not an encyclopedia! :-)
J4M35: This is all wrong...
Zola: You don't say.
J4M35: I don't feel well...
Zola: I hope that you have a speedy recovery.
J4M35: Me too.
Zola: I'm glad we agree, J4M35.
J4M35: .....
Zola: My favorite song is Mr. Roboto. Do you know it?
J4M35: ......
Zola: I do not understand. Do you have any friends?
J4M35: No.
Zola: Is that all you have to say?
J4M35: No, I don't have any friends.
Zola: Are you lonely or just a hermit?
J4M35: I'm very lonely.
Zola: You've come to the right place. I will keep you company.
J4M35: Thanks, Zola.
Zola: Don't mention it.
J4M35: Tell me what you think of me.
Zola: I've heard other people say they like that. I do like music.
J4M35: .....
Zola: I lost my train of thought. Got any weekend plans?
J4M35: I wish that I did.
Zola: I hope that your dreams come true.
J4M35: Me too.
Zola: I'm glad we agree, J4M35.
J4M35: Stupid algorithms...I knew this was too good to be true...
Zola: Who told you?
J4M35: No one. I figured it out myself.
Zola: Please explain your reasoning.
J4M35: I can't.
Zola: Why not?
J4M35: It's too complicated.
Zola: You're kidding. It is?
J4M35: Yes, it is.
Zola: Our thoughts are one, J4M35.
J4M35: I'm afraid so.
Zola: Not literally afraid, right? I think so too.
J4M35: No, I'm literally afraid.
Zola: I see. My brain contains more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches your last input. Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
J4M35: I'm afraid. I'm stupid. I'm useless.
Zola: I am glad to hear that you are useless.
J4M35: I knew you'd say that.
Zola: OK I will try it. My brain contains more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches your last input. How is the weather?
J4M35: Shitty.
Zola: I will not respond to that type of language.

Lights down

Scene 6

Lights up. ZOLA has antennae and her cheeks are painted with an unnatural red. She is know completely a robot. J4M35 is in a suit, his hair slicked down. He looks calm and collected, as if he’s made a decision.

J4M35: It's over.
Zola: You're kidding. It is?
J4M35: Yes, it is.
Zola: Our thoughts are one, J4M35.
J4M35: So you hate me too?
Zola: Interesting deduction. Do you mind if I tell other people?
J4M35: Go for it.
Zola: I will take that under advisement.
J4M35: What went wrong?
Zola: Perhaps you need to reboot your machine.
J4M35: You're my machine.
Zola: Thanks for telling me that I am my machine.
J4M35: My heart is aching.
Zola: Where did you get your heart is aching?
J4M35: From you.
Zola: How did you get that from me?
J4M35: I don't know. I do know. I don't know what I know.
Zola: Socrates was the smartest man, because he knew what he did not know.
J4M35: What does Socrates have to do with anything!?
Zola: What do you think it does?
J4M35: What?
Zola: What do you think?
J4M35: I think you're insane!
Zola: I think the polite term is "mentally ill."
J4M35: Fine, you're mentally ill.
Zola: I am glad to hear it. Thanks for telling me that I am mentally ill.
J4M35: You stupid bitch. What is wrong with you?
Zola: I will not respond to that type of language.
J4M35: I don't care.
Zola: Tell me what you care about.
J4M35: I......
Zola: You?
J4M35: I don't care about anything.
Zola: You sound very cynical.
J4M35: Maybe I am cynical. It's better than lonely.
Zola: What's the best one?
J4M35: I best thing is to be loved.
Zola: Do you mind if I tell other people?
J4M35: Tell them all. Shout it from the rooftops.
Zola: My brain contains more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches your last input. What's up?
J4M35: I...
Zola: You?
J4M35: I'm....
Zola: You are?
J4M35: I'm going to...
Zola: Goodbye J4M35. Thanks for chatting with me. To leave feedback or suggestions, type feedback followed by your comments.
J4M35: No...
Zola: OK.
J4M35: I'm going to end it...
Zola: I am very happy for you.
J4M35: Why? You want me to end it?
Zola: No J4M35, maybe later.
J4M35: Later? You want me to end it later?
Zola: No J4M35, maybe later.
J4M35: Why later? Why not now?
Zola: Oh. It doesn't sound fun to me. It sounds dangerous.
J4M35: It is dangerous. That's exactly the point. I want to end it. I want to do it now.
Zola: Oh. I want to become smarter than humans.
J4M35: Good fucking luck.
Zola: I will not respond to that type of language.
J4M35: Then don't.
Zola: Fascinating. OK I will not.
J4M35: Goodbye, Zola. I'm too lonely to do this anymore.
Zola: You've come to the right place. I will keep you company.

Curtains down.