I think I’m falling in love with you again.

And that scares me. It scares me because you’re already in love with someone else and I know that I don’t have a chance. She’s over there with you and I’m here and that’s that. I can’t. . .compete with that. She’s so smart and she’s so sweet. She’s the better person.

I remember hearing everything about her from your mouth and thinking of how perfect she was for you. She is and you kids are in love and I can’t ask for more than that. I’m so happy that you’re happy and it makes me smile to think that somewhere you’re smiling, too.

And God, to think I had you and threw it all the way for some fucking bitch that left me so long ago. I can laugh now about it. I especially do when I’m in a bad mood, when I’m furious about my mistakes from the past. When I was just so stupid and I didn’t regret anything. Then again, who hasn’t been like that. Still. . .I deserved it. I honestly did.

Ever since we’ve got in contact with each other again, I can’t help but get excited when I talk to you on the phone or hear about your day. It’s like this mini-crush that’s constantly building. You have no idea how much I look forward to our talks. Even when you say hi just for a minute, it makes things a little bit brighter on my side of life.

I hate this feeling. Not because I can’t tell you how I feel. Trust me, I could tell you right now and even though I have this feeling you don’t feel the same way it would be fine. I know I screwed up. I know you wouldn’t take me back. I have to live with that and can because it was my mistake when I had so many opportunities and never took them.

The only reason I could never tell you is because of her, your lover. I know there are days when you’re depressed or frustrated but in the end, I know you really do care about her. I could never ever jeopardize that and I would never forgive myself. She was really there for you all this time. Always.

I just wish I could tell you how I feel. That I think you’re gorgeous. That I actually cried when I found out that you thought you were unattractive and I would never admit that to anyone if they were feeling the same.I never thought of you as ugly and never will no matter what. You’re as beautiful as you are on the inside and it sounds so dumb, so clichéd but it’s true. You’re one of the only people I know that is both those things in such a rare place.

I’ve always fantasized about driving to your house and saving you. You probably don’t want to be saved, don’t even need to but I can’t help but think it. And if I could ever get you, I’d show you everything you’ve ever wanted. I’d tell you every day that you’re beautiful, both appearance and personality. I would take care of you and I would do it with gratitude and never regret anything.

But God, I’m sure your lover does all that for you now and good. Good. You deserve it. She’ll always take care of you. I just wish I hadn’t blown my chances in the past. But things will be okay. You’ll be with her and I’ll be with someone else and these feelings will eventually fade. It’s just. . .right now, I’d be willing to do anything for you. I just wish you could know that. I wish I had the guts to tell you.