Please, Just Let Me Love

Part I

Chapter II: Reminiscence

I opened my eyes slowly, blinking away the cloudy dots that always invaded my view when waking up from a nap.

“Holy shit,” I sharply cursed under my breath.

The red, insipid digital numbers from the radio read 10:40 p.m. I quickly shot upright, spraining some of my side muscles which made me double over, grasp the affected area, and groan in pain. I waited a few more seconds till the pain had subsided and stood up again, trying not to strain anymore of my numb muscles.

Picking up my forgotten mug of cold coffee, I strode to the kitchen and dumped the remaining contents from my mug into the sink.

I then tried to just rinse off the coffee stains from my mug under the running hot tap water from the sink – I was too tired to even get the dishwashing detergent and sponge out to clean this one item.

Suddenly, my mind just started to drift off again to God-knows-where.

An image of a place came into my mind; a place that I had a brief glimpse of in one of my somewhat peaceful dreams…

In this particular dream there was a land filled with lush green fields and pretty blooming flowers. There was a quiet blue stream nearby with goldfishes swimming about.

As I turned my view towards a monstrous tree that carried red fruits at its branches, I witnessed a person standing under the towering plant.

It looked like a man, but more angelic. Even with the extreme distance between us, I could tell he had an immaculate glow surrounding his statute, muscular body and was watching the stream across from him.

What caught my attention the most were his eyes. Those brown eyes were so deep, so hypnotizing, so tantalizing.

He must’ve felt my tenacious stare locked on him because he had slowly turned his head, his eyes following and locking onto my face with my own stunned eyes. I felt my body stiffen and heard myself gasp.

I felt like a little girl caught doing something bad. I wanted to turn away and run but his stern eyes kept me in my place.

Those eyes, God, I think I’m falling–

“Ah, DAMN!” I screamed aloud, carelessly.

It seems that while I was pondering deeply, my hand had seemed to have moved and replaced the mug running under the steaming water with my own fingers. I quickly retracted my hand and let the mug slip from my scorched fingers and fall into the sink.

It made a thumping sound but luckily, it didn’t crack.

I was relieved but then the burning sensation in my fingers took over my mind and I turned off the hot water and turned on the cold instead. I left my fingers underneath the cool water, letting the pain numb in my fingers

Today has just been one hell of a swell day – one bad thing after another. I sighed.

After turning off the faucet and drying my hands off with a towel lying on a nearby counter, I picked up the cup and placed it on the dish drainer. I should check on her. It’s late now; I don’t know if she even ate any dinner yet.

I went back up the staircase, one step at a time, walked down the halls and entered my daughter’s room quietly.

“Jules, sweetie, are you awake?”

I waited for a response or movement from the bed’s occupant. I heard her yawn and saw her arms emerge from under the blankets and stretch above her head. I subtly smiled, feeling some sense of happiness to know that she’s still alive and breathing. And with me.

I will never lose her like I lost him… I shook my head, pushing those remorseful thoughts to the deepest part of my mind.

The present is what counts now.

I slowly came to her bedside and sat at the edge near the side of her lamp stand. Turning on the lamp, I could see that her eyes were still lightly brimmed with red but she wasn’t crying anymore at least.

I rested my hand lightly over her cheek and kissed her on her forehead. Julia closed her eyes, softly smiling.

“Thanks, Mom…” she whispered.

It wasn’t a ‘thanks’ for the kiss that I knew. Just to hear those words gave me the uplifting feeling that I am needed by someone I love. I am needed… I won’t give up. I smiled again.

“Hey, have you eaten anything yet?”

“Nope.”

“Alright, I’ll be back in ten minutes with some food for you.” Smiling, I kissed her again on the forehead and left, closing the door silently. I walked back downstairs into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Let’s see…

I grimly smiled to myself and sighed – again.

I guess I haven’t gone grocery shopping for quite awhile since there wasn’t much in our fridge. There were two small boxes of turkey slices, an unopened box of half-frozen corn dogs, half of a preserved wheat bread loaf wrapped in plastic, and two cartons, one filled with milk and the other orange juice.

So, I decided to just make Julia a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise (which was stashed away in one of our kitchen’s cabinets) and a tall glass of supposedly fresh orange juice.

I then went back upstairs to her room and knocked on the door, all the while balancing the glass filled with orange juice and the plate holding the sandwich in my hands.

Opening the door, Julia said, “Thanks,” with a smile and eagerly snatched the glass and plate out of my hands. I watched her walk back to her bed and gobble it all down.

Wow, she must’ve been really hungry…

I just watched her eat and when she was done I took the plate and glass off the table and left back to my destination – the kitchen. I placed the glass and plate into the sink and left it there. I’ll wash it all later.

I went back upstairs, walked down the hallway into a different hallway and opened up a different door.

Ah, the smell is relaxing.

I inhaled and exhaled deeply, breathing in the familiar scent of my own bedroom. It smelt of fresh water and clean grass. Talking to air I heard myself say, “I love this scent – I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it.”

I walked into a connected room and stepped onto the cold tiled floor. I started to undress myself but then I paused when I had looked into the mirror.

Mother of all Hells… There it was; that scar from the accident.

I slid my index finger down from under my left arm all the way to my left hip bone. The rough ridges of the scarred tissue running against my fingertip brought back those terrible nightmares.

I shut my eyes tightly, looking away from the mirror and from the scar. I could feel the stupid tears coming out again.

No, stop… STOP IT! I can’t let myself break again… I can’t, I can’t afford it.

Swallowing down my anger and sadness, I stripped myself of all my clothes, not looking at myself for fear of catching sight of that horrid scar again. I stepped into the shower and turned the knob to a warm temperature.

I let the warm, clear liquid glide down my face, my neck, my body, and gather at my feet just to slip into the shower floor’s drain.

I pushed my long hair back and out of my face before it matted down in front. I grabbed the shampoo bottle lying on a ledge in the shower and squeezed half a handful out and placed the bottle back on its ledge. I scrubbed my blonde hair, lathering up the soapy contents onto my long tresses.

As I let the shower’s water rinse the soap out of my hair and let it crawl down my exposed body and legs, I couldn’t help but think of him. Oh, Robert…

I swear he has insidiously haunted me ever since that day.

That day of the accident… I shut my eyes tightly again to stop the tears from coming.

I remembered his lifeless hand gripping tightly around my wrist, sending cold shivers down my spine. His beautiful eyes lost its emerald color and were replaced with a dead grayish hue.

Those eyes have haunted me every night since the accident. I can never forget them… I can never forget him.

I felt my legs becoming wobbly.

I need… I couldn’t help it; I fell down to my knees, letting my sobs out, the hot tears coursed down my face again, and my sorrow was drowned out by the repetitious pattering of the shower water.

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A/N: I apologize for the delay. I was extremely busy yesterday with family matters. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it! Hm… there is a lot left unsaid and clouded in mystery, now isn’t there? Ha, ha! Just how I like it! Don’t worry; the story will unfold itself with time. Thank you again for taking your time to read my story… and don’t forget to review!