Shaking

shiverswayslideaway…

My last bright view

Yesterday, or

The day before

Healing

Postponing the inevitable.

A holiday

Sleepless and filled with dread

A failed exam back at school

The ignored other mark; top

…

I deserve to be punished.

…

Am I also

Postponing another inevitable?

We all die eventually…

…

Iwassmiling

Iwas not selfharming

Iwas beautifulmaybe

I couldlook in the mirror

then I hated myself

and bit my wrists

and gnawed on my fingers,

dug nails into my palm

and tore at my arm;

the skin dragging, rip –

and all to be feel the pain

all to be punished.

i neverdid commit suicide

for all ithought

andevenattempted

i fear the third-time lucky.

…

I fear fear

I dread the panicked waves

Of anxiety, stress

Sometimes the scars disturb me

Today I made more

And –

goback, read therest

its all thesame

the selfhatred, the sobbing

But you know what?

Today, I realised something

It’s never going away.

Today, I saw my old scars

selfinflicted ha ha ha

Today

I

hated

me

so much…

Today,

I give up on life.

…

andadd a postscript:

to all thepeople

who evercared

theones who mademecry

with theirkindness,

ithankyou

for the extrayear

but,

to allmy never-seen friends

this is the last goodbye.

…

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