i’m a little too english for you

and quiet,
with your head on my neck
and a hand splayed out on my chest
like i was your protector
(but all you really wanted was another
someone less english who didn’t
drip tea around the place)

and waiting,
your head hung up & shaking
while time passed and I gave up
thick with awaking
(and knowing you could be anyone
with long hair and breasts because
anyone OK would do)

and hating,
because a part of me liked
waking up, shaking up in the dark
to think, have you kept safe your secrets?
they could change it back but
i couldn’t be stiller,
waking up with your arms around me.

well
can you victimize this?
i couldn’t humanize it.
- little pearly hero with your
arms tight ‘round me -
i’m more in love with sidekicks.

a/n: firstly, i know it's repetitive, but it's meant to be that way, meant to imitate that sick dizziness of sitting up & waking up, the odd dejavu feeling you get with it. secondly, this is a piece of very old poetry that i've only edited a bit because in essence i am pleased with it. thirdly, and lastly...this felt both sickening and relieving to write, because it is one of my only pieces that is, word for word, true. that night i slept a dead sleep, but i was afraid i wouldn't be able, afraid i'd lie awake all night, barely daring to breath with her against me. oh, christ. i did love her, justa little bit. they do say that you don't know what you've got till it's gone...