Chapter Eight: The Battle Plan

Today was going to be a good day. He could feel it. For the first time in Dan didn’t know how long he was free. Free from his sisters plans. Free from the evil she devil who still hasn’t shown face at school. Free from any revenge. Dan was so relaxed as he took his first step off his porch that he couldn’t remember a single time he had loved the very earth and blessed the fact that he was alive and in good health.

Whistling a tune, Dan pulled his truck keys out of the front pocket of his backpack and walked toward the front door. He slid into the front seat, adjusted his review mirror, put the stereo on and had his hand ready to glide into reverse. He was backing out of the driveway at a steady pace when suddenly two different shades of brunet caught his eye.

Completely freaked Dan slammed on the brakes, almost careening into a tree. The big red truck, not the newest of models, gave a very loud rusting cry of protest as it managed to slam to a stop.

“Damn Dan, what are you trying to do?! Kill us?!” Sam screamed right next to his ear as she fell back into her seat.

“I would have to agree with Sam on this one big bro. I thought were dead for sure.” Kelly admitted a bit more calmly then her sibling.

Dan closed his eyes from irritation and pulled the old truck into park. Then, slowly he turned to face his two sisters.

“I was not,” he said through gritted teeth, “trying to kill anyone. I was just trying to drive to school.”

“Yeah,” Sam interrupted, “that’s why we snuck into your truck. We need to go over the battle plan a little more before you see Patience after so long. We heard she was coming back today.” Sam pointed a finger at Dan, nearly jabbing his cheek with it, “We know how much you care for her. We do not need you to get distracted by her beauty or anything like that.”

Ok. Dan was beyond irritated now. He was pissed off. “I DO NOT care for her. I just wrote a song about her. THAT’S ALL I DID”

“Once again, bro,” Kelly cut in before Dan blew his top entirely, “you did write a song for her. We know what your music means to you. The argument is clearly in Sam’s favor due to this most important fact.”

Dan bit down on his lip so hard to keep from saying anything that he nearly drew blood.

“That is, however,” Kelly continued, “neither here nor there. We need to first get to school in time and not end up tardy. I don’t know about you two, but my pristine record is not going to be ruined because of your petty fight.”

Grumbling about little sisters underneath his breath Dan put the vehicle back into drive and drove toward the school.

After a moments silence in which Kelly allowed the others to cool down, she pulled a magazine out of her bag and began to leaf through it.

“According to my research there are certain steps that need to be taken in order for us to get our revenge. First, we need Patience to actually take notice of you.” Kelly said in her soft voice.

“Right,” Sam reinforced just because she could.

“Once you’ve accomplished that, in some way you have to get Patience to remember you. Maybe ask her to do something with you the next day.”

“Yep.” Sam nodded.

“Next, you need to befriend her. Granted, this will take time, but we have all the time in the world.”

“Uhh, no we don’t” Dan said before Sam could add her two cents. “I graduate this year remember.”

“That’s not important!” Sam cried loud enough to break glass “She graduates too this year. Just get the mission vengeance done before you go to college!”

“Children, can we focus please?” Kelly yelled over the two fighting. They shut up.

“Now,” Kelly continued, “Afterward, once you befriend her, you need to reach the next stage. There are several stages in a relationship.” With a triumphant jester Kelly held up a glossy magazine.

Dan ignored the magazine to focus on parking the truck into a space at the school and turning off the engine. He turned to take his seat belt off and as he did so he got his first look at the offending magazine. It was Cosmopolitan, this months picture featuring a woman in a near see through top. Dan stared in shock at the magazine as Kelly finished her sentence.

“As we can see in this published work. There are four stages. You need to know them Dan, so pay attention”

“COSMPOLITAIN!” Dan howled and much to his surprise Sam yelled right along with him. In unison they cried, “THAT’S A SEX MAGAZINE!”

“Children,” Kelly said, a child herself, “you need not worry about the content of the magazine. Only focus on what needs to be learned.”

Sam ripped the magazine from Kelly’s hands and began to read out loud as Dan’s face slowly turned red from each steamy headline. “Seven Ways to Make Him Ache For You” Sam read, “The Naughty Thing Thirty Percent of Couples Do In Bed.”

Dan decided to just give up trying to make sense of his sisters and slowly let his head descend toward the stirring wheel as the truck sat idle. He would have banged his head against the stirring wheel repeatedly as a sign of defeat but he did not want to draw attention to his bright red face and bruised ego.

“Hmmmm.,..” Sam murmured as she gazed at a very graphic picture of two bodies entwined, “it all makes sense now.”

Wonderful, now his younger sister was corrupted. Would this awful nightmare ever end?

Apparently satisfied with the magazine and it’s all mighty wisdom, Sam slapped the magazine against her older brothers head “Alright Dan, pay close attention, because you are about to get insight into the female mind.”

“Stage one,” Sam read out loud, “Initial Infatuation”

Before Sam could go further Kelly grabbed the magazine quickly out of Sam’s hands. There was a shuffle in which Sam got smacked on the hand and a loud ow echoed through the truck. Sam sat sniffling and gazing at her red hand, as Kelly continued the discussion.

“For you information Dan,” Kelly said, “this is the stages a guy goes through when he is in like with that girl and later love. You need to act out these stages accordingly in order to get Patience to fall for her prince.”

Dan was trying very hard to remember a time when he was not the center of a diabolical plot made be his sisters. He could find none.

“Now. Stage one is Initial Infatuation.” Kelly flipped a page over “How he’ll act: He might be self-conscious and stumble over words, or he’ll do the opposite—talk himself up in an attempt to impress you.” She paused “Body language to look for: A confident guy may come up with an excuse to touch you. However-if he’s less sure of himself, he might be concerned with his physical appearance. “You may notice nervous preening behavior like running a hand through his hair or licking his lips.”

Sam grabbed Dan’s head, nearly strangling him and pronounced proudly “in the stage one of your relationship we expect you to act shy. So you need to make sure you stumble over words and all of that.”

Dan was having difficulty breathing.

“Sam get off him, he’s turning purple.” Sam let go, Dan gulped for air. Kelly sighed. “To clarify. The first stage of the mission vengeance operation is to follow the stages illustrated in the magazine. Yes, we expect that in stage one you will be shy and not over confidant. We want you to act like your afraid of her.”

Dan didn’t think he would have trouble acting afraid of her. He already was.

“In addition, we want you to try and befriend her, but still act timid about it. Overconfidence in this situation would only turn Patience off of you. We don’t need another reason for her to hate you.”

“Plus,” Sam said with a dramatic sigh “shy guys are just so cute!”

Okay. He could make a run for it. Just throw the door open and ran headlong for the school. If he hid in the gym for a while he doubted that his sisters would follow him and make him do this humiliating play they were orchestrating. Or he could throw himself over the school balcony…if he broke his bones maybe they would get this silly revenge thing out their heads.

“Stage two!” Sam announced very loudly making a grab at Dan so that he would pay attention “Falling hard”

“How he’ll act: In this stage, a guy will begin bringing you into his world by including you in many of his activities, whether its jogging or watching a game on TV. He may choose time with you over a guy’s nights or trips to the gym.”

“This,” Kelly said “is extremely important. This is the stage where Patience will begin to notice your in like with her. Sam and I have come up with the perfect plan as to how you will incorporate her into your personal life.”

Dan did not like the sound of that. At all.

Sam grinned. “We came up with the idea because of that song you wrote for her. We think…”

Kelly had a very wicked grin on her face when she and Sam declared the end of Dan’s life “We want you to invite her into your band.”

Oh hell no! He was not, repeat, NOT going to allow this intrusion of his privacy.

“Wait…”Dan said, speaking up for himself for the first time “I don’t have a band.”

“Oh,” Sam smiled “we fixed that problem. In order to form a band we are holding additions at our house later this afternoon. You should be happy bro, now you can write songs and actually have them played and not rotting in your room on pieces of paper that you think no ever sees but Kelly and I have, on several occasions, snuck into your room—“

“Sam” Kelly growled “Shut up while your ahead”

“YOU WHAT!!!” Dan howled, “Those were personal! How did you even get in my room?!”

“That’s neither here nor there.” Kelly explained using her favorite phrase, “let’s just say. We have our ways”

Dan was just now beginning to understand that he was in deeper shit than he originally thought.

“Ok!” Sam said happily “in stage two, it says “Body Language: in addition to staring deeply into your eyes (yes, it’s cliché but also a clue) there will be an increase in sweet touching, like his gently stroking your cheek or brushing hair out of your eyes.”

Sam sighed happily “Of course, since you are a gentleman, when you reach stage two you will do all of these with Patience. It’s so romantic!”

“BUT” Kelly cut in, “slowly. We do not want to frighten our quarry.”

Out of all of the crap he was expected to do, he didn’t think he would hate this part.

“Stage Three,” Kelly read “Head over heels. How he’ll act: You may think the hottest erotic action occurs in the first flush of romance, but sex gets better once a man falls in love.”

Dan, being a virgin, just about combusted at that last sentence. “EWWWWWWWW! NOOOOOOOOO!” he cried so horrified at that thought that he accidentally screamed that out loud.

“Big Bro!” Kelly said stunned “I’m surprised at you. I thought that at your age you would have already passed this stage of a relationship and actually gotten some—“

Kelly stopped, aware for the first time that she was in real danger. Dan was glaring at them both, his knuckles nearly turning white on the steering wheel. “I’M NOT A VIRIGIN!” He screamed trying to reclaim his manly dignity.

“righhhhhtt” Sam intoned, not convinced.

“Well,” Kelly said “if you are not a virgin then you shouldn’t bulk like that at the mention of sex. Sex is perfectly normal. Sex is very vital to the human society because without sex we would not be able to create children and thus we would---“

Dan was in his own little world. One that heard very clearly the word sex each time Kelly said it. He couldn’t even wrap his mind around the concept. He was pretty sure that his male dignity was out the window. He seriously felt like he was going to faint.

“In any case,” Kelly summed up her long report concerning why sex was important to the human race and thus everyone should practice it but only safely “the article continues “He becomes so consumed with his feelings for you that he might want sex more than ever.”

Dan was feeling more than little sick. He was attracted to Patience, sure but would his sisters be so twisted that they would actually want him to…

“Of course,” Kelly was saying, “having sex with Patience is not the issue that we are addressing. It would help if you were her first and she had that attachment, but it could also harm our mission. There is no advantage to playing the sex card. Thus, we just want you, in this stage of your relationship, to start the downhill play of breaking her heart.”

“For the case of your education, the body language of this stage is that “although sex sessions are uberintense at this stage, the public displays of affection, like handholding, may dip. He craves more of an emotional connection so it may seem like he’s more chatty but less touchy feely.”

“In other words,” Kelly finished “you will only need to understand and act the part of the body language of this stage.”

Dan was very, very, relieved. He just sunk, onto the stirring wheel, like he was too drained to physically move a finger.

“The fourth stage, ready to commit, is what you really want her to feel.” Sam said, She grabbed the magazine from Kelly, stuck her tongue out for good measure and then read “How he’ll act: If a man sees a future with you, he will make you feel like the two of you are a team. “He’ll ask for your opinion on important decisions” The only bummer is, he may not be as open as he once was because in his mind, he’s shared everything with you already.”

“This will not be the case with you,” Kelly said “To make this authentic you are going to share you deepest, darkest, secrets with her.”

“I WILL NOT!” He cried.

“Oh,” Sam growled, “You will. Unless you want us to tell her about that time when you were four you got naked at a party and started to…”

“OK! OK!” Dan howled, “you two are evil! PURE EVIL!”

Kelly and Sam merely giggled in unison like a pair of blood thirsty witches.

“Oh,” Sam smiled “your so much fun to torture. I think this mission vengeance thing was a perfect solution to our boredom”

He was oh so glad they felt that way.

Kelly smiled. “The bell is about to ring. Let us finish our lesson and meet in the lunch room to further discuss the plan in small steps.”

Complying to her sisters orders Sam obediently read “Body language: Mirroring your gestures and behaviors is a clue he’s thinking long term. The bond is so strong, he may subconsciously match your own movements, if you tilt your head to the right, he’ll tilt his to the left. If you put your hand in you back pocket or in you lap, he might do the same.”

Great, now he was supposed to act like a monkey. Somewhere off in the distance, the bell rang and Kelly looked up from the book. “You’ll be quizzed over this later Bro. We can’t afford weakness in this operation. It needs to be foolproof. We have a very strong opponent to face.

Dan had a sinking suspicion that Kelly would one day rule the world. She was enjoying this way too much.

“Kay!” Sam cried, leaping out of the truck and dragging her near corpse like brother out of the vehicle “come on! This will be fun!”

He highly doubted that.