Dear Random Person,

Hello. You need to get a life. You smell horrible. And, in case you haven’t noticed, your underwear is showing. It is really pretty, with the pink Playboy bunnies and all. It’s, like, so sexy. That style is so in this season.

I love random monkeys. They are a lot sexier than you, you dumb person, who can’t spell “Monkey Buttocks” without looking it up. But really, you do need to take a bath, like, now. That’s how bad you smell. Even monkeys don’t smell that bad. Even my feet don’t smell that bad. Even my bedroom doesn’t smell as bad as you. And I haven’t cleaned my room in three months. That’s how bad you stink.

I am so sexy. If you disagree, then you really don’t know sexy. I mean, I’m tall, dark, and handsome. JK, I’m 5'2, fair skinned, and pretty. I’m so much hotter than you. I repeat, for about the 8,034,536,745th time, TAKE A SHOWER! ‘Cause you really, really stink. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but that’s my sad and sorrowful duty. If I had to choose between a monkey and you, I would definitely choose the monkey. Now, you are so weak, a monkey tail could beat you up. BTW, you’re stupid.

Thank you for your time and money. (But mostly your money!)

Sincerely,

Random

P.S. I was not kidding about the fact that you are ugly. I, however, dig ugly guys. Do you have a GF? Can I go out with you?