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Abandoning Fate
Chapter Ten
Kacei’s dream….wasn’t a dream. At least, it was the strangest dream she’d had. And that was saying something.
There was a lot of red and black. And silhouettes, as if she was watching scenes of different plays on the other side of a curtain. They were shadows, but that was it.
For a while, there was no sound. Then she realised that there was noise, she just hadn’t been aware of it. As soon as she had that thought, she began to hear things. A noise like the mummer of a crowd, where no words were distinguishable. Vague, sharp noises, like a yell or a shriek, but all wordless. And a faint, insistent sobbing. It was a soft sound, pathetic, as if the person sobbing was broken and the tears were the only thing left.
There was a feeling of vertigo, and then it was like the curtain had lifted. Except she was watching a screen, a DVD, where someone was fast-forwarding rapidly through the scenes.
A boy, lying on the ground, bloody, a gun in his hand.
Another boy, kneeling in a street, pierced by blades.
A town on fire, with people lying dead in the streets.
A girl, on the ground, crying helplessly.
Fire, and three girls lost in it, tied to stakes.
The sun burning on a naked boy bound to dusty sand.
The scenes flicked faster, until Kacei couldn’t make out specifics. Just fire, and blood, and darkness. Red and black. Red and black.
“The universe was painted red and black. And when we all die, our blood will stain it red and our chaos will burn it black. We were born to it, we will die to it.”
The voice was a woman, sombre and stern. She had the tone of a priest preaching, and Kacei shivered. There was no room for doubt in her voice.
There was a laugh, low and crazed. More like an animal than a person, helpless and uncontrollable. Then a hiss, exultant and despairing, echoed. “Red for blood and black for chaos, and that’s all we are. Blood and chaos. Red and black.”
The screen flickered through the colours nauseatingly.
Red.
Black.
Red.
Black.
Black.
Bla-
“Kacei! If you don’t wake from whatever shitty nightmare you’re having I’m going to slap you!”
Her eyes flew open, into Darren’s dark, worried ones. The bare bulbs shone light out, and the darkness morphed into shapes and colours. Kacei breathed in, feeling her heart racing. “What happened?”
She was lying on an old sleeping bag, Darren next to her in his own, blankets over them both. They were by the wall and people seemed to be keeping their distance – probably because of the fucking gun Darren refused to even pretend to hide.
He smirked at her. “You had a nightmare. Pussy.” Then a hint of concern flashed in his eyes. “You were breathing quick, and your heart was beating fast. And you were twitching and moaning. It was like you were having a seizure or something.”
She looked away from his eyes, not wanting to see the worry there. He probably thought it was because of the deaths. That she couldn’t handle it. She didn’t want to explain it had nothing to do with that. Or that she didn’t even think it was a dream. It hadn’t felt like one.
Looking back at him, she saw understanding. He knew. He always seemed to know, and no one had ever known her like he did. “See you in the morning,” he whispered. She nodded and closed her eyes. It didn’t matter if she was afraid she’d fall right back into the nightmare; she needed her sleep. Tomorrow was a busy day.
“Sleeping on the floor is painful,” she grumbled, rubbing her aching back. He gave her an unsympathetic glance, before dismissing her. She could guess what for. After all, it wasn’t the first time either of them had slept on the ground.
It was funny, but it wasn’t until Kacei bit into the bar that she remembered she was a fugitive who was probably suspected for her foster parent’s murders, who couldn’t see her friends again, whose life was completely ruined and there were two people after her who weren’t afraid to kill.
Needlessly to say, it killed her appetite.
When Darren returned from wherever he’d relieved himself, he saw the uneaten bar and smacked her round the head. She kicked him in the shin. Kacei was feeling too achy to aim for his groin, and wasn’t that flexible in the best of times.
He pointed to it. “Eat. Now. I don’t want you collapsing in a couple of hours because you’re too moronic to understand the basic need for nourishment. You may not be pure, unadulterated boring human, but you still need food.”
Right. Yesterday had also been the day for finding out she was a witch with special magical powers. Kacei glared at him for reminding her. Oh, sorry, noita with vida. My mistake. Must use the proper terms.
Still, she had to admit there was a slight grain of truth in his words, and ate the damn bar. Despite the fact that it tasted like ash and made her feel like throwing up.
When she was finished, she looked at him sideways. He was checking the bags, making sure no one had gone through them, in case the gun hadn’t been a big enough deterrent. “So where we going today?”
Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. His whole body went still, then, like a puppet with the strings cut, he drooped. He moved over so they were sitting cross-legged next to each other. In other parts of the long room, people were moving around. Some were leaving, and she noticed that there were people here who hadn’t been there when she’d fallen to sleep.
She saw a few people not bother moving around, and felt her stomach turn. They must be the ones who lived here, or places like here. The homeless, forced to stay wherever they could, no matter what the conditions were. The half dead. She may be in a shitload of trouble, but she was better off than them.
Then she remembered she no longer had a home. Shit.
She forced her attention back to Darren, not wanting to see the truth all around her. Not wanting to look at what might become her future. His gaze was serious, and considering. Kacei felt apprehension roll through her. Was this too much for him? He had no obligation to stay with her, to risk his life and his future for her. They both understand the code of the street. You looked after yourself first, everyone else after. She couldn’t blame him if he left her. It would be smart. He should.
“What?” Despite her efforts, there was a sharpness in her voice that showed inner tension.
Darren sighed heavily. “I gotta be frank with you. We can keep running, from shelter to shelter, city to city. Keep running till we drop dead, ‘cause these people don’t stop. Not till they get paid. Or we can stop them. I don’t know how, or when, but it would be survival. Kill them before they can kill you. Right now, we’re rabbits in a warren and they’ve got dogs at every hole.”
Kacei looked at him. Then she realised, and felt furious at herself. After all this time, and everything that had happened, she was still a naïve little child, hero worshipping and making a fool out of herself. Darren wasn’t a god, and he couldn’t save her. He didn’t have a plan. Darren had no fucking idea what to do.
And she, the selfish bitch that she was, had dragged him into it. She was drowning, and was pulling him down with her. She had no right but she was too afraid to let him go. He’d told her yesterday that he was virtually a blank. Now she realised the importance of that detail. He couldn’t fight them, not on the same level. He had no power. He was useless.
“I’m sorry.” He just looked at her, and suddenly in was all too much. She can handle Adam and Mary being killed because of her, and people hunting her, and never seeing Seriah or Lucinda again. But to lead Darren to his death? To put him in a position where it was either risk his life or abandon a friend? That was too much. She shuddered, her eyes clenched shut, but it didn’t stop a tear leaking down.
It was hopeless. They were going to get her, and when they did, would they kill her as well? Or would that be too quick? Perhaps they planned to torture her, or enslave her. And Darren, what would he do? If he stood in their way, would they kill him, with no pause or mercy? It didn’t matter, because whatever she did, she was doomed. And it was all her fault. If she’d just gone with them back at school…
A cracking sound pierced her hysteria, and her left cheek felt numb. She opened her eyes, and it changed to a stinging pain. Damn, that had hurt. She placed a hand over the place where Darren had slapped her.
Kacei couldn’t remember feeling so ashamed and pathetic. She’d been hysterical. He must be so disappointed in her. After all he’d done, and she couldn’t even keep it together.
The urge to shy away was strong, but she refused to continue being weak. Every show of weakness was a victory to those two bastards, and she wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. Even if it hurt. Fuck, even if it killed her. She’d rather be dead than give in again.
She looked in his eyes, and blinked. There was no scorn, or anger, or disappointment. In fact, there was…was that relief?
He chuckled. “I was waiting for that to happen. I started getting worried when it took you so long.”
Kacei stared at him, dumbstruck. Then, with a flash of venom, she punched his chest. “Bastard,” she snarled, letting the anger burn away the last of the despair.
Darren just laughed and stood up. He rubbed her hair, grinning when she slapped the hand away, and picked up his rucksack. Then he threw hers at her, hard. “Come on, Xena. There’s a bus leaving to Birmingham for cheap at half seven. What better way to throw them off your trail? We’ll deal with the cops later. If I’m right, the evidence is going to say you were round school when they were killed, so you couldn’t do it. They’ll probably assume you’ve been kidnapped.”
She pulled the bag on, mind going through what he said. However, it rested on what she believed was the most important fact. The bus station was on the other side of town. If he wanted to save money, she doubted they were going to get the bus to it. And the bus left at seven thirty.
When they passed a trio of scruffy boys around sixteen, she asked one of them the time. He stared at her blankly, before processing what she said. It took him a while to realise he was wearing a watch, and even longer before he remembered how to read time. Still, he gave her the answer before Darren was out of sight. Six in the morning.
“Darren!”
Darren was talking, trying to distract her from a hundred different things. He was explaining something about pure power beings, which was making no sense, when Kacei couldn’t hold her curiosity in any longer.
“What’s with you?” she burst out. Darren rose an eyebrow at her, but didn’t interrupt or slow down. “You’re not worried, or bothered. I’ve changed and probably destroyed your current life, and you don’t seem to care at all!”
He smiled tolerantly, looking at her patronisingly. Suddenly Kacei felt very young. His voice was amused when he answered. “This is nothing. I’ve been in worse scrapes than this and survived. And I’m used to having my life go in another direction abruptly.”
“You’re not bothered?”
He laughed, but there was a tinge of bitterness in it. “I may be virtually a Blank, but I remember what I was. I was Touched, powerful, and could destroy these two clowns with one thought. I remember life and death situations, and times when no one survived. I’m not really living here anyway. Just surviving until I can get off this rock and back to where I really belong. So to lose what I have? Nothing.”
Well, Kacei was reassured that he was coping. Now she just had to focus on the fact that to her, this wasn’t nothing. This was everything. Or, rather, the destruction of everything. It was funny, but it had been less than 24 hours, yet she missed Lucinda’s harsh tones rise in protective anger. Seriah’s calm balm of a voice, soothing when everything became too painful.
Of course, that led her thoughts to Adam and Mary. She stopped before she could remember anything about them. One breakdown a day was quite enough, thank you very much. One day she’d think about them, and give them the mourning and guilt they deserved. But one day wasn’t today.
When Kacei had been silent for a while, Darren began talking again. It was probably about crap, but as she wasn’t paying attention it really didn’t matter. Then a word caught her attention. “…chaos is another thing in the religion. I’m not sure whether I believed-"
“Wait! What did you say? Chaos?”
He shot her a curious look. “Yeah, chaos. Well, rather I was talking about various mainstream religions, but that wasn’t interesting enough. Heads up, we’re going on the mainstreet for about fifteen minutes. Head down, walk quick, look as unsuspicious as possible.”
“And I do that by…”
“Not talking about freaky witchcraft things for a start.”
They crossed a set of traffic lights, in front of a queue of cars and the eyes of all the drivers and passengers. There were people here, but not many. They drew some attention, but as soon as people walked past it faded. Still, Kacei was tense. Every car was blood red and slowing down until she blinked and looked twice. Every light was blue and flashing, with sirens echoing, until she took another breath.
She focused all her attention of everything around her, trying to prepare herself for an attack, an ambush, anything. Ears and eyes strained, the other three senses in full focus. And something strange happened. She saw each car before it passed, and knew its colour and license plate without looking. As soon as it zoomed past, the information was lost.
With each car she knew how many people were in before it even reached her. On the few occasions in was a guy and a girl, she knew their age, appearance and where they were looking. She was concentrating on any disturbance in the air pressure. She knew what she felt like, and it was more invasive and active than other people. Darren felt like her, except passive. She looked out for people who felt like her or Darren, but they all felt still and empty. Blank.
This all happened without her trying. In fact, she knew the information before she analysed where it had come from. When she worked it out, she kept her mind slightly unfocused. If this was happening without her thinking, she didn’t want to ruin it. Maybe before she knew how to control it, it had to have a life of its own. Or maybe this was how it always of. Undictated. Uncontrollable.
By the time she followed Darren down a side road, she was feeling slightly light headed and high. She couldn’t keep a proper grasp on reality, as if everything had a different shine to it that only she could see. It was intoxicating and disturbing at once, and as soon as she didn’t need it anymore she forced it to stop. Whatever it was, someone could get addicted to that power. Someone could live just for that feeling, and someone could die for it.
When the lines of objects blurred slightly, and the colours were dim and less diverse, and things fell into three dimensions again, she realised she was back. And felt a pang of regret, of loss. Kacei shook her head, trying to focus on what was happening now. And remembered that Darren had evaded explaining what he meant by chaos. Oh, he may have had a legitimate excuse, but Kacei knew him, and he had avoided the question.
“So,” she began, her voice casual. “What were you saying about chaos?”
He shot her a look from the corner of his eye. “Why do you want to know?”
Because you don’t want to tell me? But no, that wasn’t the complete answer. There was something about the word that felt familiar and important. Of course she’d heard it before, but this didn’t feel like she’d just heard the name. If felt like as if you’d only heard the word burn, and understood it on a surface level. Until you seriously burn yourself. Then whenever you heard the word burn, it wasn’t just a word, because you knew what a burn felt like. You knew what burn was.
Kacei knew what chaos was. She just couldn’t remember exactly what it was.
“Chaos. Well, it’s a religious concept, like balance and good and evil. You have it on earth, in Buddhism and such stuff. The opposite of order and goodness and all that jazz. You know.”
He was avoiding the answer. Giving her a casual dismissal so she won’t think about it again. He knew nothing put Kacei off more than the words ‘good’, ‘evil’ and ‘religions.’
But this time, it wasn’t working. Because chaos wasn’t just an abstract theory, and she wanted to know what it was, damnit!
“Darren. What is chaos?”
He sighed, resigned, but answered her question in a reluctant voice. “It depends on what society or cult you talk to. For example, some people on Earth would call it evil or negative energy.
"I’m sure some of your religions would call it evil. Nature freaks would call it the negative potential in all of us.”
Kacei shook her head, thankful Darren was in front of her. Where was that memory coming from? The voice was female, controlled and with almost no emotions. But there was a hint of malicious humour in the tone. It was definitely a memory, but Kacei couldn’t remember those words being said before.
Darren hadn’t noticed her confusion. He kept talking. “My personal religion, which is the religion of most noita, whether they admit it or not, call it differently. They say it exists because of vida, and life. The flip side to life, if you like. Everything people hate or fear or despair of. True agony in whatever form you can perceive. Pure insanity.” His voice grew softer with every word.
It is insanity, pure and everywhere. Chaos is fuelled on life, and attracted to humans especially.
There was a pressure in her head, like an oncoming migraine, and Kacei stumbled. As she clutched her head for one second she was surrounded by something indescribable. Death and pain and grief and madness, in her throat and nose and down her eyes and on her skin and filling her ears until all that existed was what shouldn’t, couldn’t, but oh god save our souls it did and this must be what hell was.
It disappeared as if it was never there, and Darren was still talking. “Chaos is caused, or encouraged by many things, mostly people driven. There’s some common ones almost all noita know, though. Things like disasters and mysteries. Things that can’t be predicted or controlled or relied on. The flip on a coin, the roll of a die. The pull of the trigger in a universal game of Russian Roulette that we don’t even know we’re playing.”
Chaos as in disorder, yes, and irrationality, spontaneity, insanity, enigmas, disasters…
Kacei came to a shuddering halt, gripping her head hard enough to leave indentions. Oh god, she knew that voice. That knowing, mocking, teaching voice. Natryca, that bitch who had torn her down and given her warnings that Kacei had forgotten straight away. She’d thought it was just a dream, but after everything that had happened, of course it wasn’t a dream. It was an omen, a warning. It was the geese warning the guards and still she played the fiddle as her Rome burnt behind her.
The dream came back to her now, with the terrible feeling of chaos that she was amazed she could have forgotten. Of course Darren’s words made sense, and it was all he said and more. Until you felt the urge to claw inside your chest and rip your heart apart with your nails just to make it stop you could never understand what chaos truly felt like. But you could imagine.
And the warnings. Kacei heaved, but she hadn’t eaten enough to actually throw up. Darren was still walking, still lost in his own world, but she couldn’t call to him. She was too lost in her own dream that was more real than the pale morning sun, the glass under her trainers and the smell coming from the open bin next to her. And it was on permanent reply, two sentences running through her head, over and over. Each time they bored further inside her until it was part of who she was.
That power that you keep denying. Continue to do so, and you condemn everyone you know to death.
One who has your trust deserve it. They are not from your world, and would see you dead.
Kacei felt very young, very stupid and very guilty. Because it really was all her fault. If she hadn’t been so naïve, so childish, she would have seen it. So convinced she knew best, and that her world was all that mattered, she ignored Natryca’s words until they became nothing but whispers in her subconscious. It had been right there in front of her all along!
She could have saved them. She knew she was different, powerful. Knew it more than she’d ever known anything else. It went beyond instinct, beyond knowledge, into truth and reality. She’s been told and had it proven, and still she’d denied it. Deluded her, until two people paid with their lives.
How many more would die before she saw the truth? Would she condemn Seriah and Lucinda to death to hold on to her childish innocence? She’d thought she was so strong and grownup, but it was all a lie. She was as foolish as everyone around her. As weak as Natryca has told her she was. An iron sword that had snapped before it had ever entered the fire. She didn't deserve to be steel.
All along, ever since she had met him, she’d known he was something different. He hadn’t been especially good at hiding it, probably hadn’t even seen the point. Revelled in his alienness and mystery. And then she had discovered that secret inside herself, and had still been so closed-minded and self-centred she hadn’t applied it to a larger area.
And he’d told her! Jesus, he had given her the proof. Shown her all his cards, and she still hadn’t won the round. How much or a retard could she be?
He’d told her he’d betrayed her trust. Said he wasn’t who she thought he was. Stated he was from another planet. The odd one out, the one bit of wrongness in the world of Blanks. Just a minute ago in the street she’d thrown her senses out, and that, the only thing she knew she could trust, had told her the truth. Everyone was the same, except her and Darren.
Darren, the different. Darren, the alien. Darren, the traitor.
..would see you dead.
Darren who she was following blindly and faithfully, without question, simply because he said so. Who had lured her and trapped her and now had her right where he wanted. Who had been the only one left, and had been everything. But no, that was wrong. He was nothing but deception and lies and her death.
She was on the ground. On her knees on the ground as she clutched at her head and saw her whole world crack and crumble. Because nothing had ever felt this bad.
He was still walking, and only a few metres ahead of her. With a shock, she realised it must have all taken just a few seconds. Any longer and he’d be further away.
Your life can change in a second.
How true.
God, she thought, what a joke. What life? What was there to live for now?
The memories and epiphanies had stopped, but the emotions were just getting started. She felt a hot heaviness in her eyes that beckoned tears and didn’t even care. In her head she was going over the past day, remembering everything he had said and done. Had he known? Had he always known? Were the two people his agents, or were they as big a surprise to him as to her? How much of what he’d said was a lie, and how much was truth? Had anything he’d ever said been the truth?
Damn, was she ever letting Natryca down. She’d been told she had an important role to play, and she’d fucked it up already. She was so god damn easy to fool. She’d be so disappointed.
..Or not. Kacei had seen her eyes. There was resignation in them. Natryca had expected this to happen, expected her to fail. She’d judged her and found her wanting. Not good enough. Never good enough.
Just like everyone else. And, like everyone else, it had been an underestimation. Kacei wouldn’t give up that easy. She had nothing left, nothing but herself, and hell if she was letting that go. If all she had was her life, then she’d so anything to keep it. She’d survive anything simply to survive.
And, fuck, she was down but not out! Oh, he’d fooled her well and truly. She was a clown, a fool, the blonde girl in high heels walking down that dark alley. But she wasn’t dead yet. That was his mistake. He’d left her that one thing, that precious life, and she wasn’t giving up.
Slowly, she rose to her feet. She wiped her cheeks, but her hands came away dry. So. No tears had fallen after all. It had only been a semi-breakdown.
He was almost at the end of the street. He may be used to her silences, but he’d still notice something was wrong. He’d check behind him before he turned the corner.
Darren had said he couldn’t use his power. And she’d dismiss that as another lie, except she’d felt it herself. He had been dormant, unused. Untouched. And if she was going to trust anything, she would trust in her vida. Except maybe it wasn’t really vida, and that was just another thing for him to laugh at her for. Whatever. It was in the eye of the beholder, and she already saw it as vida. Darren wasn’t going to change that for her.
For a split second her body couldn’t move. Didn’t want to move. There was Darren, and he was family and friend and mentor and belonging and home. He owned a large part of her, and who she was today was mostly because of him.
But he had never really been hers. He had been the serpent in the tree, and like Eve she had once again fallen for the same old trick. It was time to leave Eden, and it was cold and hard and dirty outside, but she had herself, and she was alive. It was enough.
Kacei didn’t take a second look. Before her past reached the corner and looked behind him, she turned and ran.