A/N: I apologise for this, I really do. It’s just I haven’t posted anything in donkey’s years (ahaha that’s funny because an ass is a donkey and this whole thing focuses around asses but I really mean BUMS and that is called “a play on words” my dear friends, otherwise known as a “pun”, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE BUM.) and I wanted to post something even if it’s just a piece of junk I wrote ages ago which isn’t even remotely funny to me anymore. Truth is I have written lots of slash but it is all little snippets and none of them are really close to being stories yet (well one is but I can’t post it until I’ve written more…it doesn’t even have a beginning yet. Anyway, on with the strange dialogue.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbours Ass

“Don’t you know the ten commandments?”

“What are you on about?”

“You know, commandment number…something between one and ten, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours ass’.”

“I think that was about donkeys. He’s not a donkey, far from it in fact. If I had to compare him to an animal it would be a…a…I don’t know. A panda maybe.”

“Black and white and likes to eat bamboo?”

“No…fluffy and cuddly.”

“Aaaanyway, I think that the commandment was referring to anything your neighbour has, not just their donkey.”

“But he isn’t my neighbour…he lives on the other side of town.”

“That’s not the point, it means…fellow human being, not someone who lives next door to you.”

“I’m not entirely sure he’s human.”

“What is he then? A panda?”

“No, I was thinking somewhere along the lines of an otherworldly being…a deity of some kind.”

“Well…possibly. But you were still coveting his ass.”

“What does covet actually mean? If it means I stared at it the whole time I was in the lunch queue then I guess I’m guilty.”

“I think it means really, really want.”

“You think? You’re accusing me of things you don’t understand.”

“I saw you coveting, you coveter, you. Coveter!”

“Shut up! Thou shalt not publicly humiliate thy besteth friend…eth.”

“You can tell that the ten commandments were written by the wrathful God in the Old Testament, they’re all “thou shalt not do this” and “thou shalt not do that”. I think if the God in the New Testament had written them with Jesus they might have been “The Ten Friendly Suggestions That You Don’t Have To Follow But It Would Be Nice If You Did, Thanks”.

“If thou wouldest like, thou doth not hath to covet thy neighbours ass, but by all means…eth, covet all you like if coveting be thy thing.”

“And coveting doth indeed seem to be thy thing because I saw you coveting his ass just a few minutes ago…er…eth.”

“Now that I thinketh about it, coveting doth soundeth like something particularly rudeth.”

“Let us stop talking in this manner now. It’s freaking me out.”

“I agree. I bet in the future coveting will become some strange euphemism for something extremely rude and not at all for my virgin ears.”

“Can you imagine future prostitutes standing on their futuristic corners and leaning against their futuristic lamp posts and someone will drive up in their space car and the future prostitute shall say ‘Looking for a good old covet, love?’”

“Now you have just gotten strange and scary and I feel as if I should be walking away with my head between my knees.”

“What? Don’t do that, you’ll look ridiculous. And besides, the correct procedure is to make yourself look as big as possible and roar and they’ll run away.”

“Isn’t that lions or tigers or something?”

“Exactly my point.”

“Are you saying I’m a tiger? Rawr.”

“A tiger in the sack. What sack? I don’t understand that. And then someone lets the cat out of the bag and my brain explodes because I don’t understand expressions and such difficult metaphorical matter such as that.”

A/N: Again, I apologise. Also, if I offended any Christians with the whole wrathful God in the Old Testament/Nice Jesus in the New Testament I didn’t intend to. But it’s true he was extremely wrathful before he settled into family life.