A/N I thought up a theory on vampires while I was waiting on my piano lessons, and it turned into a story, how bout that? A/N

Hi, my name is Mr. Quiet, and I'm a vampire. I might not sound like it, but I am. Right now I'm here to talk about my kind. None of that magic mojo that you people read about nowadays, because half of that stuff is bullshit. Believe me, I know a lot of authors, most of them are bloodsuckers themselves. I'm here to explain how we tick, what's true and what's not.

First off, we're not evil, we're like you, we have jobs, hobbies, lives, kids, all that stuff you guys have. The only reason people give us such a bad rap is because there's a bunch of vampire youngsters who dress in ridiculous clothes and act like animals whenever they need to feed. We're also not rich, least most of us anyway, how the idea of a rich vampire got around people's thoughts is beyond me, but I guess CEOs kind of suck the life out of everyone around them. (Metaphorically, of course.) Third, we're not immortal, sure, our immune system is supercharged to the point where we can fight things like AIDs (Which is very important by the way, with all the blood going around.) and our bodies regenerate with scar tissue faster than the average human, but we still die, every living thing dies on this planet we call Earth, we may be “Supernatural” but we still play to mother nature's rules.

While I'm talking about that, might as well give you the real deal on the legends and myths of vampirism. I'm allergic to garlic. No, I don't burn and turn into ash or anything like that, I get a really bad rash though. It's one of the downsides to having a unnatural immune system, you develop a few allergies along the way. That goes with silver as well, but silver allergenic vampires are rare, you'd be lucky to be shooting silver bullets at a vamp who had an allergy like that, so if you're one of those hunters trying to kill one of us for whatever cult you're a part of, save your money and buy regular bullets, it'd be a lot less embarrassing on our part if we get murdered by one of you guys. Crosses don't work, period, what are you going to do? Bash me over the head with one of those things? Same thing with holy water, it's not holy, I don't care if you bought it online directly from the Vatican for cheap or had a plastic bottle of water blessed by Buddha, that stuff will only get my feet wet, and I kinda want my shoes to last for a while, alright? Will sunlight kill me? Nah, the only thing sunlight does is hurt our eyes a little bit, if you had better eyesight then most owls, your eyes would hurt too. It's probably why most of my kind are nocturnal. I just wear sunglasses, but if it's a cloudy day, I leave them home. Other things, we have reflections, we don't transform into bats, hawks or tigers, and we don't eat raw meat when we can't find a human to leech off of. (I just heard it from a friend, okay?)

Yeah yeah yeah, you want to know what we can do, right? You want to know if all of those things you've seen in movies and read in books is actually true? All the backflips, the swordfighting, all that junk? Fine. I just want to tell you WHY we have these powers (Or at least my theory.) At least you'll be ready for the “Powers” that we actually HAVE.

You see, a vampire is born (Or made) with a virus inside them, it's a virus that makes the person need more blood, apparently it preys on a small number of red blood cells, and somehow makes the person have a dependency on blood, it's behaves like a complex parasite, except it doesn't live or feed on the red cells, like a virus should do, they just make them unable to function. The virus enables us to take any kind of blood, it sort of “twists” the blood to become a universal receiver, so our bloodstream isn't so picky about which blood stays and which blood goes. The virus is contained in a vampire's mouth (And a pair of fangs via growth hormone) as well as their bloodstream, so it's contagious. Just don't ask any of us to infect you, we don't take requests so lightly. Not all of this is a bad thing. The blood we suck contains oxygen, more oxygen means that we can do more, we're stronger, faster and we last longer, like the million dollar man with daily blood transfusions. Since we need twice as much blood as an average human, we get excess energy, which we usually use to stay up all night. The faster reflexes and running speed work for me, especially when I have to catch the city bus to get to the shop. I don't really have a use for a vampire's strength, I guess I can out lift any guy in the gym if I was into that kind of stuff, but unfortunately, I'm not. It's not all physical though, more oxygen meant that the brain can function even more...

I bet most of you heard that factoid that humans use only 10 to 20 percent of our brains. Some people have said that humans use 100 of their brains, but those people are in denial. Kind of like people with huge cars and small wangs. Most of the brain (From what I've learned) is used for unconscious functions, like dreaming, making sure your heart is still pumping, stuff like that. There's also another untapped part of the brain that produces psi energy, also known as, chi, spirit energy, psychic energy, magic, chakra, and many other unscientific terms. Well, vampirism enables us to tap into that part (Well, better, humans can also do psionics to a point, google it and see for yourself.) Every one of us is good at a different power, some are our classic psychics, remote viewing and precognition, and on a rare note, psychometry. You also got those guys that like messing with your mind, telepaths, eh, they read, write and speak brain and they could make you do something that you wouldn't have thought of doing before, like play Schumann on the piano or something evil like that. Empaths, they read, write, and speak emotion, downside is that they constantly need a shield around them or get bombarded by feelings that aren't theirs, it's not wise for an empath to be at a funeral without a descent shield, one of my friends told me his story and yikes, you did not want to be her if you were there. (Upside, a good empath could make someone horny for them with a wink of the eye.) You got your energy workers, which get really annoying if you don't have your shields up, they fire their little energy constructs everywhere and annoy the crap out of you. There's also the rare telekinetic, but they tend to be the shy vampires. A little thing we all share is aura seeing, it's useful for seeing who's human and who's not, it's also a good conversation starter. (“Hey! Wanna know the color of your aura?!”) Personally, I'm a telepath, pretty good one at that, and I admit, being able to pick up girls without having to say a word is pretty useful.

No eye lasers or anything like that. Our eyes are quite normal, they don't change color or anything.

So are we able to lift up cars? No. We able to throw people around like in the movies? Hypothetically, yes, but I'd avoid finding out. Can we control your every move using our massive brain power? Yes, but we only do it to pick up girls.

That's all I got, you've heard everything there is to know about being a vampire. More sciencey then you thought, eh? Like I said before, I wasn't going to give out bullshit.