Deserted and Alone

(in the dark)

“Mommy?”

“Mommy?!”

“Why won’t you answer me? MOMMY?! Have I been a bad girl?! I promise I will change! Answer me, mommy. MOMMY!”

The word echoed throughout the hallway. Mommy.

I can remember that day clearly. It seems like just yesterday she was here, and then gone. Like a passing wind, which is present for a short moment and then gone. Mother had committed suicide that day, 5 years ago. I don’t know why, and neither do I want to find out. I was only 8 then. She left me, when I had no one else to turn to.

No aunties. No uncles. No family. I was the only child and dad had past away 8 years ago. Perhaps mom was too devastated. Perhaps she thought she couldn’t go on without him. Come to think of it, she never really got over his death. I don’t know, I was only three when he left us for the heavens. All I have of him is a picture. Him, Me and mom. Me, as an infant in dad’s arms. He looks so happy. She looks so happy. I was crying in that picture, perhaps I already knew by then what was going to happen in the future. Perhaps I did.

We were one Big happy family. Until he left. Mom was so broken up. She didn’t even care for me properly. I didn’t blame her for that. God, I was more worried than ever. I was one responsible kid, doing everything myself. On my own. And then she left. Without warning, without reason.

You’d think she’d think of leaving a note, maybe a note I’ll read someday when I grow up like in the movies. But no. all she left me was memories. Sad, depressing, horrible memories that bring me nightmares every single night.

I can still remember. Mom lying there motionless, blood all on the hallway floor. Red. I saw red all over. She wouldn’t answer my calls no matter how many times I called her, no matter how much tears I shed, no matter how hurt and alone I was, no matter how much I loved her and needed her. She just wouldn’t budge. She just laid there.

Why? Why did she leave me? Wasn’t I worth something to her? Wasn’t I supposed to be her precious baby she loved to death? I hate her. I hate her for leaving me. I hate her for never caring. I hate her for not bringing me with her. Mother. Father. Gone. Alone. I am alone.

“Its okay, Hon, I’m here. I’ll always be. In here, Hon, in here.”

It was my mother. She took my hand and placed it to my heart, indicating that she’ll always be in my heart with me. Blast her. That’s not her. That’s just me and my imagination working. All those years if loneliness finally drove me to insanity. Love. All I wish for is to be loved. Is that so hard? I want to be important to someone. Someone would be enough. One person. Only one.

That was when I decided life without love was meaningless. Life without anyone wasn’t worth living. That was when I slit my throat and died. Hopefully I’ll meet them in heaven. I shall be loved.

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Authors note : think i wrote this two years before, meaning the year 2004. Haha.. i was - am SUCH A SADIST!