The end of the school year came quickly, and I somehow actually managed to graduate, which came as a big, but certainly not unwelcome, surprise to me. Josh Parker was valedictorian, which did not come as a surprise to me at all. I was so proud, sitting there in the sea of non-remarkable, non-genius students, watching him give the overdone, cliché valedictorian speech about following your dreams and aiming big. I was proud of him for everything that he had accomplished, for finally standing up to his parents and doing what he wanted for himself – his plan had worked, he hadn’t gotten into Stanford, although he had come clean to his father about it, and instead he was going to USC to play football and major in art. I was proud to have him as my boyfriend, even if nobody besides my brother and my roommates could know about it.

He had finally let up on the no sex thing as my 18th birthday present, which, I’m slightly embarrassed to say, was one of my best presents ever. His parents had pretty much fallen in love with me, and remained completely oblivious as far as I could tell. I was going to miss him, I was sure, but I still had a couple more months to spend with him before he left for college.

Two days after graduation, Josh and I returned to my apartment after a morning workout to find a very distraught looking Taylor leaning on the counter next to Matt who was talking on the phone in a low, serious voice.

“What’s going on?” I asked, a little bit concerned, as I went to get myself a glass of water.

Taylor turned to look at me. “Chris got arrested.”

I stared at him blankly.

He continued. “A while ago actually, but we didn’t find out until now.”

“Wait…” I was confused. “Chris…?” I couldn’t think of anyone we knew named Chris.

Taylor looked at me with disbelief. “Yeah, Chris. My friend from back home. Remember?”

“Oh, right,” I said. I felt kind of bad for not remembering he existed. I should have been able to figure it out after Taylor said he got arrested. It seemed like Chris used to get arrested six times a year. “Well that’s not a big deal,” I said. “He gets arrested all the time.”

“It’s a big deal this time,” Taylor said grimly. “This time it’s serious. It’s not just shoplifting or drug possession. This was assault, and…” He turned to Matt who was still on the phone.

Matt looked up from the paper that he was writing on. “He’ll probably get involuntary manslaughter, is what his lawyer says.”

“What? He killed someone?” I blurted out tactlessly.

Taylor looked at me miserably. “I didn’t think he would do something like that. I mean…Chris isn’t a bad person. And he isn’t stupid. He knows he could get years and years in prison for that. I mean, he must have just been caught up in the moment, or…I just...I can’t believe it.”

I had no idea what to say. I looked over at Josh who was standing there looking incredibly uncomfortable. “Should I leave?” he asked cautiously.

Taylor shook his head. “No, you don’t have to go. Matt and I are about to leave.”

“Where are you going?” I asked.

Taylor looked at me like I was stupid. “Back home. For the trial. To be with Chris and his mom.”

“You’re going back home?” I asked incredulously. “To visit a murderer?”

Taylor gave me the angriest, meanest look I had ever seen cross his beautiful face. I felt myself shrink away from him instinctively.

But he didn’t hit me. “Chris is not a murderer. He is my best friend,” he said pointedly.

I could tell he meant to hurt me with that, and maybe I deserved it for not thinking before I spoke.

So I changed the subject. “But what if you see Dad?”

Taylor paused. “I’m actually planning on going to see him,” he said.

I was speechless. I looked over at Josh again, to see if he could help me think of something to say. He looked away.

“I just feel like I should go see him. You can come too if you want,” said Taylor.

“What the fuck? Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t believe he would even suggest it. “Of course I don’t want to come!”

Taylor raised his eyebrows. “Okay, I was just offering.”

“Wait, but - ” I looked around wildly. Josh was still staring off at the ground. And I thought he had gotten out of that habit. Matt was still on the phone. “Wait, why is Matt going with you?”

“Are you serious?” Taylor asked disgustedly. “You must have a really bad memory.”

“What?” I asked. “It’s just a question.”

He rolled his eyes. “Chris is Matt’s cousin.”

“Oh, right…”

“We’re leaving as soon as Matt gets off the phone.”

I wasn’t listening. “I can’t believe you’re going to see dad,” I said bitterly.

Taylor opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but was quickly shushed by Matt, who was trying to write something down on his paper and looked very annoyed.

“Sorry…”

Matt got off the phone soon thereafter, and he and Taylor packed a few bags. Taylor seemed very short-tempered.

“Ryan, leave me alone!” he ordered, when I tried to discourage him one last time from going to visit Dad. “I’m going to do what I want to do. You can’t talk me out of it.”

“I’m just telling you, it is such a bad idea. I mean, if I were you I wouldn’t even go at all.”

“Yeah, well, that’s where we’re different,” said Taylor cryptically.

“You could get yourself in a lot of trouble. You could get me in a lot of trouble!”

Taylor and Matt exchanged an exasperated look. “Some people never change,” said Matt.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded angrily.

“Nothing. We’re leaving now,” said Taylor as he started towards the door, closely followed by Matt.

“Hey, aren’t you going to say goodbye to me at least?” I asked, slightly offended.

He stopped. I could just imagine him rolling his eyes. “Bye,” he said, without turning around.

I don’t think he realized it at the time, or maybe he just didn’t care, but that really hurt. “When will you be back?” I asked desperately.

He turned around and shrugged. “I don’t know. Hopefully not longer than a week. We’ll call and let you know.”

What the fuck was wrong with him? “Okay, well…I’ll see you later then.”

“Yeah.”

“I love you.”

“Mmhmm. Bye. Oh, and tell Jen where we went. Matt couldn’t get in touch with her.”

And he left.

I really didn’t understand what was wrong with him, but it was safe to say that he was pissed off at me for something. I let out a frustrated sigh. “Why is he being such a bitch?” I asked Josh, not really expecting him to answer.

He shrugged. “I mean, I don’t exactly know. He’s probably really worried about his friend, and you didn’t really seem to care…or remember.”

“Yeah, but…his friend killed someone.” I couldn’t really think of any other way to defend myself.

Josh shook his head. “Oh come on, Ryan. You heard what they were talking about, it was involuntary. He is not a murderer. He’s probably not a bad guy, he just made a mistake.”

“Yeah, but…”

“And,” Josh continued, “I’m sure he really wanted you to understand why he had to go see your dad. And he wanted you to come with him. I’m sure he doesn’t want to go alone.”

“Okay, first of all he doesn’t have to go see him - ”

“Well he feels like he does.”

I decided not to argue. “How do you always know what other people are thinking?”

He shrugged again. “I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m just saying what I would be thinking if I was in his place.”

“Aww, Joshie,” I said, because I knew it annoyed him, and also because I was tired of talking about my shortcomings, “you’re so sensitive and in touch with your feelings. You could be such a ladies man. It’s too bad that - ”

“Shut up,” he said, his cheeks turning pink.

I laughed and kissed him because he was adorable, and he at least smiled and kissed me back, hopefully because he thought I was adorable. Or sexy.

“So Ryan,” he asked through the kiss.

“Hmm?” I responded, moving to work on his neck.

“Stop that for a second.”

I nipped him on the ear. “You like it.”

“I know, but - ”

I bit down harder on his ear.

“Ow! Ryan stop it!”

“Mmm…” I kissed his neck again, sliding one hand up his leg.

“Ryan, how come you don’t want to visit your dad?”

I broke away from him immediately. “What?”

“Why don’t you - ”

“I heard you,” I snapped.

He recoiled. “Hey, it was just a question.”

I stood up. “Yeah, well it was a pretty personal question.”

His brow furrowed. “Well I’m sorry, I thought that’s what relationships were about. Being able to talk about personal stuff.”

I crossed my arms. “Well this is something that’s between me and my brother,” I said.

He shook his head and smiled in a slightly condescending way. “Ryan, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but…your brother doesn’t understand you either…and he’s really mad at you.”

I was incensed. “And that’s funny?” I practically yelled.

“Hey, chill out,” Josh said, putting his hands on my shoulders and pushing me back down onto the couch.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

“Look at me,” he said firmly.

I looked.

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

I sighed and shook my head. “Don’t worry about it,” I said, and grabbed the back of his neck to pull him in for another kiss.

He turned his head away. “Stop it. I want to talk to you. Stop avoiding me, stop hiding your emotions.”

“I’m not…”

“Yes you are.” He looked at me pleadingly. “I care about you. I want to help.”

“I don’t need help,” I protested.

“Ryan…” He reached out and touched my face gently. “Just talk to me. Please.”

I surveyed him for a moment. He looked so innocent, so genuine. And his eyes…good lord, they were so incredibly gorgeous. I could see every freckle floating in those little pools of hazel.

He leaned in and kissed me again. “Come on.”

I sighed. He was hard to say no to. “I just…I don’t want to see my dad.”

“Yeah, I figured that part out,” said Josh dryly. “But why not?”

“Because…” I didn’t even really know the answer to that question. “I guess it’s just because we didn’t part on very good terms. I don’t know if he’s mad at me or if he wants to see me or what…I guess that’s not a very good reason, is it?” I asked, looking up at Josh.

He shook his head earnestly. “No, it’s a fine reason. But I think that you might change your mind if you think about it.”

I couldn’t suppress a humorless laugh. “I don’t think so.”

“Well can we at least talk about it?” Josh asked.

I was slightly annoyed. Couldn’t he tell that it was a touchy subject? “Why?” I asked rudely.

“Hey, chill out,” he ordered again. “I think you need to talk about it. I don’t think you’re happy with the situation but you don’t feel like you can talk about it to anyone. And I think it would help you.”

“Jesus, Josh. I don’t need a shrink. I’m just a little bit pissed off right now is all.”

He put his hand on my back and started rubbing it up and down. “I know that, and I want to help.”

“Well talking about it isn’t really what I need right now.” I turned my head and tried once again to kiss him.

“Ryan, stop that,” he said in the most serious voice I had ever heard him use.

I pulled back, alarmed.

“You can’t keep doing that.”

“Doing what?” I asked.

“Using sex to avoid your problems,” he said bluntly.

I felt my eyebrows narrow instinctively. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

He remained completely calm. “Yes it is, Ryan.”

I stood up. “Don’t you fucking accuse me of something you don’t know anything about!” I warned.

Josh stood up as well. He was a few inches taller than me but I wasn’t intimidated, I had tackled him enough times in practice to know I could take him.

“Don’t lose your temper,” he said, slightly guarded.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do!”

“Ryan - ” he reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder but I knocked it away.

“Don’t touch me,” I growled. “Don’t tell me what to do, don’t tell me what’s good for me, I’m not a fucking child.”

He crossed his arms. “You’re acting like one.”

And then I snapped. I swung at him, getting an intense rush of pleasure when I felt my fist connect with the side of his face.

He reacted almost immediately. I doubled over in pain, gasping for breath as I got a swift, hard punch in the sternum. Josh took advantage of my momentary immobility to shove me down hard onto the couch.

He climbed on top of me. His left cheek was slightly swollen. “I’m sorry for hitting you, Ryan. You’re just a little bit out of control right now.”

I closed my eyes and waited for the sharp pain in my chest to subside. As my head cleared the full reality of my situation closed in on me. I had just hit Josh. In the face. For no good reason. Why the fuck did I do that?

“Oh my god,” I said. “I’m so sorry, I don’t…I mean, I…what just happened?”

Josh looked at me sympathetically. “Ryan…please don’t get mad again, but…I think that little incident just goes to show that you really do need to talk.”

I sighed and covered my face with my hands. “You might be right.”

He leaned over and kissed my forehead, and then buried his face in my shoulder. “I want to help you,” he said softly into my ear. “I care about you so much. Please let me in.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m sorry.”

I closed my eyes and held him there but didn’t say anything more, hoping he wouldn’t either.

After a few minutes he slowly sat up. “Ryan…”

I kept my eyes closed. “Yes?”

He took a deep breath. “I think you should go see your father.”

I didn’t respond.

“Ryan, sit up and talk to me.”

I silently obeyed.

“You could just ignore him for the rest of your life and pretend that he doesn’t exist, but I don’t think you would really be happy,” he said. “He’s your father,” he continued when I didn’t say anything. “He’s your father and that’s a relationship that you shouldn’t let go unless you absolutely have to.”

“What would you know about it?” I shot back. “Your father never threw you out of the house in - ”

Josh buried his face in his hands. “Ryan, listen to yourself! The only person you ever think about is yourself! Just because I didn’t run away from my father’s house doesn’t mean that I haven’t ever had any sort of problems with him. Don’t you listen to anything I say?”

He was right. He was always right. I stared down at the floor. “I do listen to you,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

He rubbed my back consolingly. “I know, I know. I’m just trying to help you. I don’t want you to hold a grudge against your father because I know how tiring that can be…I did it for years,” he added.

I turned and rested my head on his shoulder.

“I think you should go,” he said, kissing the top of my head.

“I can’t,” I whined into his neck.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” he asked. “He can’t do anything to you, you’re not a child anymore.”

I found that I really couldn’t come up with an answer to that, or any sort of other justification for not going to see my father. It’s a strange feeling when you realize that you’ve been acting really stupid for a really long time - kind of embarrassing and relieving at the same time.

“Hmm?” He nudged me in the side.

I took a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right…”

He wrapped both arms around me.

“You are right…I should…I will,” I decided quickly, because I knew I would just end up talking myself out of it.

He pulled me a little closer. “I’m proud of you.”

“But not right now,” I added. “I’ll go tomorrow. I want to spend the rest of today with you.”