( George Washington is elected as head of the Continental army by Benjamin Franklin.)

Franklin: Then it is settled. We, the representatives of America, do hereby elected George “The Lurp” Washington as Commander and Chief of all armed forces of America.

Washington: Yeah, folks, listen, I’m flattered and all. I really am. Don’t take this the wrong way…but I don’t know if I really feel up to it. And it’s not that I’m worried about what will happen when the world’s most powerful navy encounters our four privateers. It’s not that I’m anxious about our lack of ammunition, training, and to be frank, guns of any sort. I know America’s got a lot of spirit. But I’m kind of sick, you see? I came down with this terrible whooping cough, and it kind of…

...you know what... fuck it.

Listen up, you cocksucking, bible-hugging, aristocratic, self righteous pricks, I’m tired of you all staring at my wooden teeth. You think I don’t notice, you conceited ass-jockeys? I was stomping skulls on the battlefield when your balls first dropped. I mean--DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, BEN FRANKLIN, YOU FUCKING TWAT! Good God, that face of yours, so hideously ackward. Don’t you ever wonder why we seat you up front?Ugh, I'd rather stare at your untamed, girly locks of hair than those froggy eyes and thoseseven chins. Do us all a favor and turn the hell around; I can't deal with you.

Oh, and what are you smirking about, Handcock? At least that fat fucker provided the foundations of the Enlightenment. What did you do, besides take up half the Declaration of Independence with your fucking name? Yeah. What? What did you say?

Hancock: I said-

Washington: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Years from now, my name will be synonymous with honor and America. They will name babies after me, states after me…hell, they’ll probably name the capital after me. If it was my choice, all male genitalia should be renamed Washington, so that I'll be getting laid years after I'm dead. Oh come on, don't wrinkle your nose, Sam Chase. You wouldn't know a pussy from the wig on your head.

Now listen to me, you sorry cunts. I’m going to win this war for you, but don’t you dare think it’s out of respect for anyone in this room. No, I’d rather see you all scalped if I could have my way. I’m gonna win this war because my wife Martha asked me to—DON’T YOU START, JEFFERSON! Don’t you goddamn start smirking, you flame-headed bastard. Martha is a damn fine woman. She cooks, sews, and cleans for me, and after ten years, she’s still a good fuck. What do you have to your name? You’d stick your dick in anything. Think I don’t know about that slave girl? Well, good for you. Better to have little Oreo bastard children then freaky little flamers.You’re a ginger, Tom.You... don’t... even... have... a... soul! Sit down!

Now let me tell you how things are going to happen here. I’ll do it in a third person narration, just so you can get a feel for the many biographies you and your children will read about me.

George is seriously pissed off! George is going to the woods to find his Indian brethren, from whom George has learned the arts of tearing out hearts and moving without sound. George will eat the flesh of men tonight. Tomorrow, George will report to Boston to begin training an army. A white horse will be provided for George’s transportation. This horse must be a noble steed, larger than any other horses, and it must be able to fly and crush the souls of men under its hooves.

George will then proceed to destroy the English, their mothers, their children, their unborn babies. George will perform seemingly unthinkable acts in the name of America’s independence, and you shall praise George for them. George will then be elected the first king of America, and he shall live in a white house, surrounded by white satin and white choir boys who shall sing glorious tributes in his name.

I have written the music and it shall be sung thus:

Washington, Washington, six feet tall, weighs a fucking ton.

Washington, Washington, he’s coming, he’s coming, he’s coming.

Gentlemen, I have spoken. In the name of George Tiberius Christ, America will prevail.