Behind the Scenes at Yalta:

(February 7, 1945 –Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin engage in a heart-to-heart, alone and in private.)

Stalin: Hooy tebe v zhopu!

Roosevelt: What? For the last goddamn time, Joe, I don’t speak fucking Russian!

Stalin: I say to you “No Deal,” you mandavoshka! You cunt-loose!

Churchill: "Cunt loose?" Well, that’s rather crude, Joe.

Stalin: No one speak to Stalin like this. Hooy morzhovy! Walrus dick!

Roosevelt: Easy does it, you crazy Russian bastard. We’re here to make peace, not to size up our cocks.

Stalin: You, cripple, no speak!

Roosevelt: Like hell I goddamn won’t! Don’t make me get up out of this chair!

Stalin: Da! Cripple walk! Zhopu porvu margala vikoliu! I’ll rip your ass and poke out your eyes!

Roosevelt: Churchill, get me my cane!

Churchill: That’s quite enough, gentlemen. Now, we’re all reasonable people here…

Stalin: Boom! Boom!

Churchill: …so let’s try to be mature and—

Stalin: Boom! Boom!

Churchill: What the hell are you—

Stalin: Kapoow! Boom! Like bombs of Germans exploding London.

Churchill: You son of a bitch. Do you know how many lives we lost from those raids? Do you have any idea…

Stalin: Anus…bitch!

Roosevelt: (quietly) Churchill, we can’t give this man half of Poland. I seriously doubt that he will restore democracy to Eastern Europe.

Stalin: I am democracy. People vote me God. You are nedonosok, children born too early!

Churchill: You just think you are God. But you’re nothing more than a bloodthirsty Russian peasant.

Stalin: Smekh smekhom, a pizda kverkhu mekhom. You may laugh until you cry, but your pussy is topped with fur.

(Silence)

Churchill: Unfortunately, that is beyond me.

Roosevelt: Back to work, gentlemen. On what conditions shall we demand Germany’s surrender? Shall we say…Unconditional?

Churchill: Bloody yes!

Stalin: Hitler will suck Stalin’s dick!

Roosevelt: Not to burst your bubble, Joe, but I very much doubt that Adolph will let himself be taken alive.

Stalin: Otsosi! Hitler’s corpse will suck my dick! For Stalingrad!

Churchill: So we are in agreement then? Unconditional surrender?

Roosevelt: Yes. America is in.

(Long, drawn-out silence. The seconds pass slowly.)

Churchill: Stalin?

Stalin: Fucking…

Roosevelt: …Fucking?

Churchill: …Fucking?

Stalin: Fucking…

Roosevelt: Fucking what?

Churchill: What the fuck!

Stalin: Fucking…

Roosevelt: FUCKING WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK—

Churchill: STUPID FUCKING—

Stalin: Thomarai gand mai lund hai? Is dick stuck up your ass? I say “Yes.” Yes unconditional.

Roosevelt: Jesus Christ that was difficult!

Churchill: Franklin, you’re being a cranky cripple. Calm down.

Roosevelt: Well, the man’s absolutely incompetent! I mean, how are we supposed to rationalize with—

Stalin: Gentlemen, peace, please! We have much to discuss and little time. The world waits us for an answer, for peace, for solution. I propose Germany divide into four occupations. Same in Berlin. We keep peace together, Russian Empire, America, England, and French bitch-pigs. I commit Russia also join United Nations of Mr. Roosevelt, to be fifth world power with America and England.

Roosevelt: Wow. That’s incredible. Yes, Mister Stalin—Comrade Stalin. Yes! I think these are excellent propositions.

Stalin: (holding up his hands) Further, gentlemen, I propose Red Army establish Provisionary Polish Government for to hold democrat elections in Poland. I propose demilitarization of Germany and end of Nazism. I propose make Allied reparation council in Moscow. I propose Mr. Churchill Otsosi, potom prosi.

Churchill: What’s that?

Stalin: Blow my cock, and make wish!

Churchill: WHAT THE HELL—

Roosevelt: Oh dear God. And we were doing so well.

Churchill: Enough of this! Enough of this! I will not meet with this man ever again. Comrade Stalin, when I get home, the first thing I will do is get into contact with every bath-industry in England to ensure that the Communist flag is imprinted on this year’s supply of toilet paper. I want every British citizen to be wiping his ass with your flag.

Stalin: And I, Comrade Churchill, will stop import of tea and crumpet, to destroy whole England economy!

Churchill: (pale, whispering) You son of a bitch.

Roosevelt: Oh no. I see another war coming. Thankfully, I have polio, and thus will die before the world plunges into a flesh-melting nuclear holocaust.

Churchill: And I, too, thankfully, am a morbidly obese fat fuck, despite the conditions of severe rationing imposed during five years of war and the starvation of millions of British subjects that I supposedly care for. It is a good thing that I will die from a heart condition of sorts, or if not, I’ll suffer a stroke and slip into a coma at age 90.

Stalin: And I, thankfully, am cunt weasel, and will be poison by own Russian people, like I dream every night. If no, I will die of stroke and burn cozy in fire of hell.

Roosevelt: Right! Well, if you excuse me, I must go tell the press what has been accomplished here today.

Churchill: Cheerio!

Stalin: Vrot!