Channel Surfing

This is what happens when you can’t stop flicking through channels on T.V. It’s a sad, sad world after all.

(LITTLE BOY CLIMBS UP INTO SANTA’S LAP)

SANTA: Why, hello little boy. What do you want for Christmas? Ho, Ho, Ho!

BOY: I want a Red Ryder BB Gun!

SANTA: Ho ho, you are cute. No can do, you’ll shoot your eye out.

(BOY PULLS OUT BOWIE KNIFE)

BOY: Give me the gun or I’ll slit your jolly red throat!

(CLICK)

COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER: Have you ever suffered from that weird aftertaste from diet cola? Well, we have developed a cure for that dreaded ailment. It’s called Worfloid™, and it only costs seven easy payments of 68.43(2 bottles containing 4 pills each).

WARNING! Side effects include nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, rectal leakage, brain lesions, hair loss, genital shrinkage, leprosy, partial paralysis, goiter, psychosis, and violent death.

(CLICK)

UGLY KID: I’ll do whatever I feel like, gosh!

OTHER KID: Napoleon, the only reason people like you so much is because you suck, and it makes them feel better about themselves

UGLY KID: LIGERS!!

(CLICK)

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Gerald Springy Show, let’s see what messed up idiot is on the show now!

GERALD: We’re here with Billy- Bob- Joe- Dick- Ron- Bo- Bice- Enis McGoo, who is here to confess his love for…a waffle. What the heck? Am I reading this right? Are you serious?

BILLY BOB WHATEVER THE CRAP: Yup, ain’t she a beauty!

(CAMERA PANS DOWN TO SEE A WAFFLE WEARING LENGERIE)

GERALD: I hate my life. Does anyone actually watch this? For God’s sake, watch a game show or something! This show blows!

(CLICK)

AND NOW BACK TO THE POLITICAL DEBATES

REPUBLICAN: Blah, blah, blah, bomb Iraq, blah, blah, blah, raise taxes, blah, blah, blah.

DEMOCRAT: Yadda, yadda, yadda, stem cell research, yadda, yadda, yadda, gay rights, yadda, yadda, yadda.

EMCEE: Thank you both for your pompous, absolutely useless statements. Better luck next time!

(CLICK)

PIRATE: Are ya ready kids?

KIDS: Aye, aye, captain!

PIRATE: I can’t hear you!

KIDS: Aye, aye, captain!

PIRATE: What? Speak up! I can’t hear you!

KIDS: AYE AYE CAPTAIN!

PIRATE: Damn hearing aids broke! Ok, one more time kids, please!

KIDS: AYE AYE CAPTAIN!!

PIRATE: Nope, still nothin’.

KIDS: Forget it, we’ll be in our trailers playing Monopoly Junior.

(CLICK)

AND NOW, THE CROC WRANGLER!

WRANGLER: G’day, mates! Today I’m going to be arm-wrestling a Kodiac Bear, the biggest bear on Earth!

(WRANGLER SITS DOWN AND CLAMPS BEAR’S HAND)

WRANGLER: Ok, lets go!

(BEAR RIPS OFF HIS ARM AND STARTS CHEWING ON IT, AND THE CROC WRANGLER LOOKS AMAZED)

WRANGLER: Oy, look at the raw power! He ripped me arm clean off-and now he’s mangling it!

(CLICK)

A WOMAN IS SITTING IN HER LIVING ROOM, LOOKING QUITE PRETTY IN AN EXPENSIVE REVELAING OUTFIT. SUDDENLY, 4 GUYS…NO, GIRLS WALK IN. THEY ALL LOOK STRANGELY LIKE PLUMBERS.

ITS BUTCH CHIC FOR THE STRAIGHT CHICK, WHERE FOUR GAY WOMEN GIVE A STRAIGHT WOMAN FASHION ADVICE!

BUTCH CHICK #1: That outfit looks like crap. Here, put this on.

(SHE THROWS AN OLD PAIR OF JEANS AND A RIPPED YANKEE’S JERSEY)

BUTCH CHICK #2: And that dinner you have prepared; now it’s got to go. Quiche…what is that? You need a pizza and a beer!

TWO DAYS LATER

HER HUSBAND COMES HOME TO SEE HER WATCHING THE GAME AND LOOKING LIKE…HIM.

HUBBY: Holy crap, honey! What did they do to you?! You look like a hobo!

WIFE: Must…watch…game.

HUBBY: NOOOOOOOO! Curse you Butch Chic!

(CLICK)

(SIGN OFF)