(CLICK)

(INDIANA JONES, SHORT ROUND, AND THAT BLONDE LADY ARE WATCHING A GRUESOME CEREMONY IN WHICH A HEART IS REMOVED FROM A LIVING MAN)

EVIL DEMON GUY: Cali-ma! Cali-ma!

(HE REACHES HAND INTO THE MANS ABDOMEN AND PULLS OUT AN ORGAN)

DEMON GUY: Oops. Accidentally took out his kidney. We’ll have to put that back.

(PUTS IT BACK AND STARTS AGAIN)

DEMON GUY: Cali-ma! Oh, crap, I got his appendix.

(CLICK)

(A SURGURY IS TAKING PLACE INSIDE A HOSPITAL)

NURSE: Quick, doctor, this man has a bullet in his skull, we need to finish the operation!

DOCTOR: Oh, I’m not a doctor.

(THE NURSES LOOK SHOCKED)

FAKE DOC: But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

(FAKE DOCTOR FINISHES SURGERY)

FAKE DOC: He’s all fixed now, Mrs. Smith!

(MRS. SMITH NEARLY FAINTS AT THE SITE OF HER HUSBAND, WHO HAS HIS ARM ATTACHED TO HIS SKULL)

FAKE DOC: Hmm, maybe Medical School would have been better than the Hotel…

(CLICK)

ANNOUNCER: MTV brings a brand new series from the makers of “Laguna Beach”…wait, no, it’s the makers of “The OC”…anyway, follow these dumb blondes and surfers who have a better life than you!

(SCENE SHOWS TWO BLONDES IN BIKINIS LYING ON THE BEACH)

BLONDE #1: Like, my mom is so totally a bitch. She like, won’t let me get my full allowance of 1000 dollars a week because I broke her nail, so I only got, like a pathetic 999 dollars. I can’t believe that!

BLONDE #2: I know, girl, it’s like, how on earth can you make yourself prettier and therefore better than everyone else unless you have a lot of money? You can’t, duh!”

SURFER GUY: Hey, girls, want to see me sway my pretty hair in the wind? My life is so dramatic!

ANNOUNCER: Watch this new show! Now, maybe it was the makers of Falcon Beach…or maybe Beyond The Break…

(CLICK)

A PREACHER IS SEEN GIVING AN OVERLY ZEALOUS SERMON

PREACHER: The LAWD says, “ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!!!” Who would like to be healed to-day?

(PREACHER SCANS AND FINDS A PERSON WHO LOOKS PERFECTLY HEALTHY)

PREACHER: You, come get healed! What is yo affliction?

MAN: Uh, I have this ant bite, but I don’t think it’s that bad…

PREACHER: Does it have that little pussy dot at the top?

MAN: Yeah…

PREACHER: THE LAWD SHALL HEAL YA!

(PREACHER PROCEEDES TO BEAT THE MAN UNCONSCIOUS)

PREACHER: Now who thinks he can still feel that ant bite?

(CLICK)

AND NOW BACK TO THE WORLD WRESTLING FED…

(CLICK)

From the makers of Worfloid™, comes this revolutionary new weight loss system. It’s the Portable Vomitorium™! All you do is swallow this bite sized electronic device(cherry flavored), which is preprogrammed with a selected amount of calories. Once you reach your selected calorie intake, the Portable Vomitorium™ will stimulate the muscles, causing a violent eruptions of digested food to spew forth!

NOTE: This product is not recommended by any doctor, nor is it even real. If any doctor recommends this product or any similar product, sue his freakin’ butt off!

(CLICK)

A new animated series is coming to the CW television network on Saturday mornings. From the makers of Loonatics Unleashed, a legend will be brought into the new generation.

MICKEY MOUSE: Hello, boys and girls, lets go KICK SOME TAIL AND TAKE SOME NAMES!!!!!!!

It’s Mickey Xtreme, the new series featuring Mickey as a high powered cyborg secret agent with a Japanese Katana and mind reading powers! Follow him as he and Minnie, now a saucy sidekick with jujitsu skills and the power to create force fields, hunt down the evil Goofy, who now has a medieval flail for a hand and a grudge the size of the Grand Canyon.

DON”T MISS THIS SHOW!

(CLICK)

And now, the new video for Bigg Fro, “Wow, that’s a big booty!” Only on VH1!

(A SKINNY BLACK GUY WITH A MONSTROUS CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK IS SURROUNDED BY LOTS OF LATIN, BLACK, AND EVERY OTHER RACE EXCEOPT FOR WHITE, WOMEN)

BIGG FRO: “Wuzz up, a be flingin’ an singin’

Wit my lovely ladies, no ifs, ands, or maybes

They got big booties, and they got big boobies.

Now watch em’ shake it real while I get a new grill!

(GIRLS SHAKE IT)

BIGG FRO: “I’m hippin and hoppin, maybe pills be a poppin

My rhymes make no sense, but as long as I got the cents

Shake it mo and mo.

Check out my big frooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!”

NOTE: I own no companies, brands, or television shows except Worfloid™ and Portable Vomitorium™, which are registered trademarks of the CFP Company. If you attempt to use these name brands without my permission prior to use, you shall be duly prosecuted.