--

Time froze.

Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana. Lana.

Lana, what possessed you? What got into you? Wasn't I good enough? Why didn't you pick me to run away with, Lana? I would have in a heartbeat. I would have abandoned everyone and everything here and ran away with you, forget about Quinita who's number throbs in my pocket, forget about Izzy and Christien and Haru and Tyler and their lives, which I'm sure are twice as bad as mine. Forget about my family. Forget about Becky and how we could have grown up together and gotten married and had twelve hundred kids and how I could have forgotten all about how in high school I stalked fifth graders. Besides, Becky's probably dating Haru or something anyway.

Now all I want to have is you, Lana.

--

"...Ben? Hello-o-o?" called Haru.

The others were gathered around a TV I hadn't noticed Christien had in his room. They looked my direction and then turned away just as fast, except for Tyler, who smiled and called out, "Ya zoned out, man. We just started a movie without you." Chris's PSP was on his neatly made bed. Haru still looked at me, concerned. "I'm fine," I sighed. He didn't turn away until I pushed him. "Hey, I'm just a little worried!" he laughed. I didn't, and sat down by Christien to watch the movie. "Enter the Dragon," I said, when Bruce Lee glared at me from the TV. The others all laughed and said "Yeah."

It was like everyone forgot about La--

"We were going to play something Tarantino, 'cuz I know you like that guy, but with his movies, you can't talk during them. With Bruce Lee," smiled Haru, being uncharacteristically talkative, "you can do whatever you want during his movies. There's not really a story, so--" Tyler clapped his hand over Haru's mouth. "This is when the babe comes on," he explained. Christien ignored Tyler. "How do you know so much about Ben, Haru?" he bit, and that silenced all. Even Tyler looked away from the screen. Haru rolled his eyes. "Wow, man, are you guys in like, some sort of...?" Tyler started smiling. "NO!" Christien and Haru called out at the same time. I proceeded to laugh my ass off. Tyler started laughing to, a deep sort of chuckle that reverberated through his entire thick body.

"Oh, shut up, would you? I can't believe you two, if anyone's going out with anyone else, it's Tyler and Ben," laughed Christien, visibly regretting snapping at Haru, who was quiet, watching the movie he himself said one could easily have a conversation with another while watching. Suddenly he said, "You're all being kind of gay, I better get out of here--" and broke off when Tyler slugged him in the shoulder. "Come on, man, just joking," he chuckled deeply some more.

Bruce Lee screamed on screen. "It's so bizzarre having you here," laughed Christien to Tyler.

"I'm sure you're going to tell me why..."

"It's like, there's a dorky guy and an Asian guy--" a playfully offended 'Hey!' from Haru, "-- and me, I guess the "gay" guy, and then Ben, our little photographer, and then..."

"Me, the sports guy? Wow, for a queer, you sure label a lot," Tyler commented. Christien leaned over and punched him in the shoulder, and we all were surprised when Tyler actually looked like it hurt. "Omigod, I'm sorry!" shrieked Christien. "That didn't hurt," insisted Tyler, tears coming to his eyes, and he upped the volume on the TV, so that every scream and kick painfully attacked our ears. "TURN IT DOWN!" we yelled and Christien snatched the remote from him.

Tyler turned to say something and knocked down a stack of DVDs to reveal a single, dark red notebook. Everyone was silent, especially Christien. "Um...I'll get those," he said quickly and without looking at any of the three of us, rushed over to the toppled DVDs and hastily piled them up on the notebook. Eye of the Dragon was muted. I looked at Haru, and he was impatient. I looked at Tyler, and he was actually embarrassed, which was funny because he's generally an asshole about that sort of thing.

I noticed that it wasn't Chris's poetry book, which was smaller and a different color. This notebook was a lot older and thicker, but I only got a glimpse before he covered it up and returned the TV to its regular volume. "Sorry..." said Tyler. "Boy, that just ruined the moment," said Haru, and we were all quiet, pretending to watch the movie. I thought of Anthony, Izzy's brother, the chronic masturbator, and I thought of Izzy, who seemed to have disappeared.

"Christien!!" yelled Jim from downstairs.

"What?" he yelled back, still staring at the screen.

"I got a call, I'm going out. Be back tomorrow or something."

"'Kay."

The door slammed and I casually looked out the window to see short, strong Jim striding out to his car. Christien looked out the window too, and soon everyone was looking out the window. Suddenly, Chris smiled. "What?" I said, one of the first things I'd said since the movie started. "I know what can ease us all up," he murmured slyly. Haru smiled as well, and Tyler looked at them in disbelief. "Are you guys kidding me?" he grunted. "I thought that getting drunk was a jock thing to do."

Christien looked offended. "Getting drunk? Please. I never 'get drunk'...I 'loosen up'." What an alcoholic thing to say. I was reminded severely of my mother. Haru smiled along with him. "Shall I?" he crooned. "Please. And get some cups, I'm sure you guys don't want to drink from the same bottle as a gay. You might get my germs," Christien tittered to Tyler as Haru hurried down the stairs. I could hear him opening up cupoards and pulling out the bottles, and then four cups, stacked on top of each other. Chris turned off the TV and turned on his stereo, playing tasteful alt-rock, and I could hear Haru running up the stairs again. "Don't drop them, for godssake," Christien reprimanded. "Oh, sorry sir," Haru muttered sarcastically, shoving two bottles of wine and four glasses (stacked on top of each other) into Chris's arms.

"Jesus, you guys, I'm the one who's supposed to be pushing drinks," joked Tyler, handing me a glass and filling it.

--

My mom's an alcoholic but I didn't want to refuse. I took the glass, full of wine, and downed it, along with the others. Soon we were all buzzed, and I had a sick but pleasant feeling. I reached for another glass. "No," said Christien. "I donn wann puke all'ver m'room..." so I left it alone. He had a pretty bad slurr but he apparently was used to this. Haru was leaned up against the bed, sitting down, the most sober of us all. Tyler was dancing clumsily to hard rock (he switched the station on Christien's stereo). I didn't know how I was. Everything that I was aware of had dripped into a big puddle, and I wasn't sure which reflection in that puddle was the clearest.

"What the hell man," I said while Tyler spun in circles. He laughed and flopped on the bed, bouncing Haru, who struggled to hold on to his drink. "Wine getsa pretty fast," said Tyler lying on his back. Haru snickered. He seemed used to it, too, and took another gulp.

Christien was laughing at Tyler's dancing. "What, as if you could dance," he grumbled while on the bed. "I can," replied Chris, "But I nee'a vol'teer." He jokingly tried to pull me up, and my body was so floppy and tingly that I had no choice but to let him. "Y'know howta slowdance, cowboy?" he joked, hand around my waist. I laughed, thinking it was endlessly funny. "Probably not," said Haru from the bed. He got up and pushed me out of the way; I fell to the ground and everyone laughed, even me. "I'll show you how it's done," Haru chuckled. Tyler pushed the bed to the side of the wall with his feet, giving Chris and Haru a dancing floor. I scooted back against the wall next to the stereo.

And so Haru and Christien began doing some sort of waltzy-tango to hard rock. I was laughing, but I think that Tyler could see that there was something beneath that dance; Haru and Christien were like, trying to put on that they were only imitating the sexiness of salsa or tango or whatever, and Tyler could see that whatever they were doing was very real. I couldn't.

Slowly, their dance became less of a joke. I turned it to some freaky Spanish guitar music, fast and spicy, and Christien immediately took charge. Sitting on the ground I realized how tall the two of them actually were. Haru's slouch was gone. They were so confident in their dancing...Haru pulled Christien closer to him, their waists were touching, arms thrown around each other and long legs moving so surely to the guitar, and Tyler flopped back on the bed, mumbling something about 'beanpole gays' and 'Vermont marriage ceremony', both comments heavily slurred.

Haru's lips on Christien's.

Christien's lips on Haru's hand.

Slower dance, easy, passionate, angelic movements between them...I thought, how obvious, of course it was Haru, before my head hit the floor and I passed out with the big puddle of concerns blurring in my mind.

--

The morning--

"Ben, what did you try to do?"

It was Haru.

"Ben, what did you try to do?" he repeated.

I remained on the floor, my body sprawled out, the rope that I had used to try and hang myself broken and frayed in my hand. My entire body had pins and needles because I had been lying there like that for hours. I made sure to try to hang myself when everyone was asleep, and it was nearly eight in the morning now.

Haru opened his mouth, but didn’t repeat himself again. Instead, he took a swig of his cup of hot cocoa that I didn’t notice before. Underneath his eyes were lines and they were kind of baggy from staying up so late dancing when the others went to bed.

I looked away from Haru, trying to return to my numbness. He still had a weird expression on his face, though, kind of like he was concerned about me but he knew that I could never really kill myself. Maybe he wasn’t thinking that, but that’s what he looked like he was thinking. "Chris is up," said Haru, nodding toward the kitchen.

Christien waved. He looked very tired and very normal. I could still remember him swirling around the house the other night, and how easy he made every move look. But I guess that just comes naturally when you dance with someone you love.

"How long were you...?" I tried. Christien stared at me, blank, "For a while," he answered. Haru nodded and joined him at the table. I sighed and stretched, still on the floor, and tried to listen for Tyler’s loud snoring upstairs instead of thinking about the rope in my hand and around my neck.

"I don't know what happened..." I replied honestly. All I could remember was getting up and going to the kitchen, grabbing a rope that was just lying there. I could remember hearing the Spanish guitars, and seeing Haru and Christien kissing. Everything else was totally blank, and all my senses were blasted -- I could only hear Tyler upstairs, snoring. Thank god he's still alive, I thought. They handed me a cup of hot cocoa, pleasantly warm, and as I drank it I cringed at how it tasted mixed with the aftertaste of wine. "I guess that was pretty weird," Haru said, putting down his cup. Both he and Christien were in robes. Their expressions when they looked at each other were familiar, and I noted how much it hurt me to see them look at each other like that. The looks that they had reminded me of when me and La -- Miss Anorectic drove away that night.

Haru got up, and pulled his sleeves up. I saw his skinny legs. He was smooth-skinned. Christien shamelessly looked at them as well, and in fact just let his eyes wander all over Haru's body as he walked away from the table and kneeled down in front of me. "I know," he said, concerned. He grabbed my hand and I pulled it away. He didn't change his look and instead of walking away, sat down next to me. "I'll get some Ibuprofen, my head's hurting like a bitch," whined Christien and I smiled. He left the room, leaving me and Haru alone.

Suddenly it was like I had just met Haru.

"I'm sorry," I said. "It's okay," he said. I wished he would grab my hand again, because his fingers reminded me of Miss Anorectic's, just longer. But I didn't say anything. Maybe he saw the look in my eyes, because he did reach and take my hand, and I didn't shake him off. Instead I started crying. "I shouldn't of let Chris talk us into the drinks," said Haru, more to himself. "Of anyone here I should know that drinking just causes problems, and worses problems that are already existing."

"Worsens," I corrected. He smiled, and I did too, through my tears. "You had a phone number in your pocket," he said, and handed me Quinita's number. "It fell out when the rope broke, I bet." "Does Tyler know?" I asked. Haru shook his head. "I'll never tell him if you don't want me to," he promised. I nodded, and resumed crying, using my free hand to cover my face and my other hand desperately holding on to Haru's. "Sorry to break you guys up," said Christien sarcastically, re-entering the room. He brought me three pills; two ibuprofen and one that I didn't know.

"Just take it," he said. I couldn't see him because I didn't want to take my hand away and show them that I was crying. I released Haru's hand and took the pills with the hot cocoa, sitting next to me. I could feel their eyes on me the whole time, Haru's kind and empathetic, Christien's concerned and sympathetic. I knew just from that feeling that he knew exactly what was going on in my head even if I didn't. I turned and looked at them. "God, are we going to group hug or something?" sneered Christien. We didn't laugh, but I deeply appreciated that he wasn't taking this too seriously. Tyler snored upstairs, like to say, "whatever." I'm sure that Izzy was somewhere obsessing over his big brother, and I wasn't sure, but I hoped that Miss Anorectic had ditched Anthony and was coming home.

In those were my deepest friends, but besides Izzy and Miss Anorectic, there was one missing. "Do you have Becky's number?" I asked Haru.

--