I would like to tell you a story about a town called Worthing. It wasn’t the most interesting of towns, but the people that lived there got by and found ways to entertain themselves. This particular tale is the first of many; some will be told, others will not. It is a very strange chronicle, and in places quite disturbing, so those of you with weak stomachs…turn away now. Without further ado, I give to you, The Worthing Chronicles.

There once was a whore; a whore whose favourite past time was taking advantage of young men. This whore’s name was Sgt. Fifi. At this exact moment in time, she had a particularly innocent boy on the go; a young chap who answered to the name of Kisby. He was from a long line of Irishmen, and was indeed besotted with his whore, as most men of the time tended to be. He was so in love with her that he completely forgot that he actually paid her for her pleasurable services.

Sounds quite normal, you may be thinking. But never judge a book by its cover…or opening page in this case. Maybe this Kisby character will turn out to be the Mr Darcy of Sgt Fifi’s life? Or perhaps Sgt Fifi has a tattoo of an eye on her ankle and belongs to V.F.D…Either way; I can assure you that this normal opening to this not so normal tale won’t last for long. Anyway yes, where was I…

One day, however, everything changed. Sgt Fifi had decided to take the night off and have some extra-curricular fun. She had deserted her usual tainted corner, and was instead to be found at a rock concert. Slightly different from her normal style of living, but she found it rather fun to be honest. It was at this very rock concert that she met the love of her life. She didn’t suspect anything as she walked in through the entrance. Couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary as she past the dodgy looking fellows standing about (or in some cases lying about) injecting themselves with goodness knows what. It all looked pretty normal as she passed couples fornicating in every available space. That was, of course, until she caught sight of the most beautiful creature she had ever seen. The creature was rather short, but what she lacked in height she made up for in beauty…ten times over. Long dark ringlets fell about her shoulders, the colour of burnt hula hoops but smelling much more delicious. She would always remember this night, as it was the night she met the apple of her eye, the love of her life, her soul mate. This was the night she met Madeleine.

When the public found out that this famous whore was, in fact, bisexual, everybody was stunned. There had been rumours of “unsavoury behaviour” floating about the town (very few people in Worthing cared for those who appeared to be as straight as a roundabout), but nobody would have guess it to be this girl, this pleasure queen, this phenomenon. When Kisby discovered that someone had stolen his love from him, he was…well lets just say “a tad upset” doesn’t quite cover it. To tell the truth, he was distraught, devastated, distressed. Exacerbated, enraged, exasperated. Outraged, offended…you probably get the point.

Kisby decided he wanted revenge. He wanted to make Sgt Fifi pay for breaking his heart, and he wanted Madeleine to feel the wrath of the Leprechauns that were, in his opinion, constantly by his side, protecting him from harm. He left Sgt Fifi, and looked instead to her archrival to fulfil his every fantasy. This is the part where I introduce you to Madame Candyfloss. Reader, meet Madame Candyfloss. Madame Candyfloss, meet Reader. Now you are acquainted, I shall continue. This rival whore was pleased to get hold of one of Sgt Fifi’s customers. In fact, she was so pleased that she decided to give Kisby the full works, free of charge. The lucky Irishman got to sit down and consume a full English breakfast…more than he could ever dream of eating. He visited Madame Candyfloss every day after that, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t seem to get Sgt Fifi out of his head.

Every day the local papers and flyers told something new about Sgt Fifi and Madeleine’s relationship; about how their love for each other apparently grew stronger every day. Church newsletters used them as an example of the devil working his magic on earth, corrupting the minds of the innocent (in Madeleine’s case) and the not so innocent (in Sgt Fifi’s case). Local bands used the symbolism of lesbianism as part of their music, and young adults began to question their sexuality and try out new ways of loving.

Kisby was driven wild with jealousy. He decided that the time had come to take action, and so hired the evilest person he knew, ordering her to kill Madeleine. When she was given her assignment, 00Fuzz knew it was not going to be easy. She rocked back in her chair, and stroked the black cat sitting on her lap, which had somehow lost part of its right ear. She knew she wouldn’t be able to do it on her own, and so called in her side-kick, Agent Chilly, to help her plan the murder. She knew she could count on this agent. She was ruthless, and scared the living daylight out of the people of Worthing. They knew what she was like, a madwoman who would stop at nothing to accomplish what she had set out to do…a freak who refused to comply with the rules of society. She would be perfect for the job. They worked hard night and day, occasionally taking a break from their spying and stalking to work out a plan.

Agent Chilly went to visit Madame Candyfloss, demanding her help. She was to hold a gig at her brothel, and invite the whole town along. This way, they could murder Sgt Fifi’s lover and everyone would be a suspect. They would turn the lights off and stab Madeleine from behind the curtain that she would of course be standing in front of. But the question was; who were they going to hire to play? Gullet was out of the question, as their music was, quite frankly, vulgar. The only way to get a good crowd in was to use The Faded Line.

Sure enough, the band drew a large crowd on the night. Miss Bartlett had done her job well; she had arranged an amazing party for Madame Candyfloss. The whole of the Worthing Crew were there, along with a few others who had come along to throw rotten tomatoes and eggs at a certain loved member of the band. During the first few hours of the evening, the whole of Candyfloss’ brothel was a raving party, and Miss Bartlett had trouble trying to keep it under control. Tables were overturned, threesomes occupied the bathrooms, and every available surface area seemed to be taken over by couples pro-creating. 00Fuzz and Agent Chilly were finding it exceedingly difficult to communicate over the racket. There was very loud, out of tune, what can only be called noise coming from the stage; cheering and singing from the Worthing Crew; boos and hisses coming from Clifford and his unfortunate henchmen. Spit from the trench coat clad dwarf sizzled as it came into contact with different electrical appliances.

Now who are the Worthing Crew? I hear you ask. And what about Clifford and his followers? Well I shall start with Clifford. He was a nasty piece of work, terrorising the young and the elderly. He showed great hate towards the youth of Worthing, and went out of his way to make their life a misery. His followers were a group of “close friends” who knew it was better to be on the good side of him than the bad. As for the Worthing Crew, they were a group of teenagers who liked to think they were “it”. They thought they were the coolest thing since sliced bread, especially in that town. They could usually be found hanging out in the centre of town, by the bandstand – the meeting place of the good, the bad and the ugly. Clifford and co and the Worthing Crew were deadly enemies. They felt nothing but pure hatred for each other, and weren’t afraid to show it. All clear? Right. In that case I shall carry on…

Agent Chilly checked Madeleine’s position, and then turned out the lights. 00Fuzz then stepped out from behind the curtain, knife in hand. It was a very nice curtain actually; black satin with coloured flowers embroidered onto it. She made a mental note to ask Madame Candyfloss where she had bought such a beauty, as she stabbed Madeleine. Well, tried to anyway…she was met by a wall of something hard. The lights flickered back on, and the two hired evil agents looked around them to see everyone and everything frozen.

A figure stepped out from behind their victim. She was a slight creature, and yet you could tell straight away that she had a temper to her. She introduced herself as Lenny, Madeleine’s fairy godmother. 00Fuzz and Agent Chilly were now in deep do dos. Lenny began to throw fiery balls of magic at them, but they somehow managed to dodge out the way. They thanked whoever was up there for the sudden bout of slow motion, but also realised that this would go on forever unless somebody did something about it.

Suddenly, there was a movement in the far corner of the room. A certain infamous member of the band that had previously been occupied with creating cringe worthy music stepped out from behind the curtain. He had a sheepish look about him. Now, Reader, when I say he had a sheepish look about him, I do not mean he actually looked like a sheep. He was not wearing a white (or in some cases cream or black etc) woollen coat, and he was not short and fat. He had all of the normal characters of a human…well to a certain extent anyway; he just looked like a small child getting caught doing something naughty. Lenny screamed as she realised who it was, whilst 00Fuzz and Agent Chilly groaned in disgust as Miss Bartlett stepped out from behind the figure. Jagger the Hut! The two Secret Agents let out a united shriek of evil laughter, and took great pleasure in explaining to the scared fairy godmother that Jagger the Hut was a secret friend of theirs.

That was too much for Lenny. She had heard all about Jagger and what he got up to in his spare time, and therefore did not want to be too near him for long. She told 00Fuzz and Agent Chilly that she would let them off the hook this once if they promised not to kill Madeleine. The two evil Agents knew a good offer when they heard one, and so accepted. They did not wish to get on the bad side of a fairy! Anyway, they had other plans to get back to, such as stealing the Crown Jewels.

Lenny vanished in a puff of smoke laced in glitter, much to the disappointment of Miss Bartlett who knew it would be her that had to clean it all up. With the click of invisible fingers the room was suddenly back to normal. Jagger the Hut walked back onto the stage with the rest of the band, and continued to get pelted with rotten fruit and vegetables, and covered in yet more spit.

00Fuzz and her accomplice went off to look for Kisby. They looked everywhere; searched high and low; didn’t leave a single nook or cranny untouched; yet they still couldn’t find him. In the end, they forced themselves to interrupt Madame Candyfloss, who was with one of her clients at the time. They would much rather have stood there and watched, but they knew this was not the time. She told them that the Irishman had decided to go back to his homeland as his poor heart could take it no more. The two secret agents let out a sigh of relief, as they knew they could now go back to doing nothing. The sigh of relief soon turned into a gag of disgust however, when the looked down to find that Jagger the Hut was Candyfloss’ current companion…

The party ended with a band when the electrical equipment short-circuited and went up in smoke…probably from too much rotten food and spit. The band the it’s groupies left and headed to the station to cause more havoc elsewhere, and Clifford and his equally short minions got taken away by the police for crimes too profound to mention. The next day, the party had made the headlines…it turned out that Sgt Fifi had asked Madeleine for her hand in marriage, and she had accepted.

Their wedding was a spotty affair. Madeleine was wearing a red and white polka dot dress, and her partner the ex-whore was sporting a black and white polka dot bra with matching hot pants. They had persuaded Jagger the Hut, who weirdly turned out to be some form of minister and was in fact marrying them, to dress up as Mr Blobby to fit in with his surroundings, and all the bridesmaids were wearing various assortments of other spotty things. The food was spotty also…although nobody could quite tell whether that was intended, or whether the food was in fact growing mould.