A/N: Okay. Welcome to the world of Hei Hua and Lott’s disease, inhabited by very powerful, very sick, and very screwy people. Your unfriendly guide will be Allison, one of the pissiest patients in the place. Enjoy your stay, accept the name Ollie, and try not to get killed!

Allison Anya

Patient # 345698

Topic # 1

Introduction

I don't want to start this off by telling you a bunch of boring shit you couldn't care less about. Unfortunately the person making me write this is all into writing and shit. Which I'm not, so don't go thinking this is going to be some literary masterpiece. I could care less about writing, I mean I used to like to read and all that, but ever since I got my crappy eyesight it just hasn't been worth the fucking effort. I've got enough music here to last me six and a half lifetimes anyway, plus I've gotta write this bullshit thing. Basically all of us who still know how to write have to do it, the shrinks wanna put together some crappy book for the new kids so they see where we fucked up and don't do it. I've apparently got this amazing IQ, so I'm the only one who's ranting you'll actually read. Dr. Kilby says its for us to 'process our experience' but that's pyschobabble bullshit. Kilby's gonna get on my case for using that word twice but I don't care. At least I'm spelling shit right, and using passable grammar. And semi-big words like passable.

So I'm supposed to bore you to death first with my name and all that. You being the little kids with the rich parents or the genius brains that get you scholarships so you can learn how to stay out of the hospital at that posh fucking school thing. Before I tell you my name I'm actually going to give you one, because then it seems like a conversation and not some stupid fucking book. Since I'm a girl and I have no interest in fucking you, you'll be a girl too. But you can have an androgynous-sounding kinda name, so it won't weird you out too much if you're sporting a penis. I guess...lemme think...what's a lame name that isn't too girly...I guess Ollie's good. It could be short for Olivia, but if you absolutely refuse to get a sex-change it could be Oliver too. And you're gonna be about twelve, even though I know the kids coming in are more like five or six. I'm gonna talk a lot about sex here, so if you're too little it'll be kinda skeevy. So I'm doubling your age, fuck you if you don't like it.

Alright Ollie. My boring name is Allison, and I'm seventeen years old. So I'm your elder and you'd better believe what I say and do what I tell you, or I'm gonna tell your fucking mom. Who, by the way, is a total skank, pregnant at the age of thirty by your best friend's brother Stan. See now that's really stupid, but at least it's not boring. They keep making fucking soap operas for a reason y'know, angsty shit like this generally sells. I've got barrels for you, ready to go once I'm done with this introduction. I mean it's probably not as stupid as your prostitute mom, but whatever, it's pretty fucking lame anyway. And before you go running to Kilby, I know I already used the word lame. And fucking, which I'm not even supposed to say at all, but if you're going to say it it's a word you can re-use. Like 'the.' Kilby never gets on anybody's case for overusing 'the.'

So you know I have a tendency to go off on tangents. Just pretend like everything I say is really super-important and over-analyze it like you're a goddamn shrink. If you think like that then you won't get so bored that you want to pulverize the person responsible for this drivel. I would prefer not to be pulverized, since I'm in such a delicate condition as is. Not that I liked getting beat up when I was strong, I mean what kind of psychopath does? I guess probably your mom, otherwise she wouldn't be screwing around with kids when her husband's this, like, heavyweight champion guy. See look, I made your dad cool! I can be nice if I try.

I guess I should probably be the one to talk about this place and the doctors and the powers and shit. Because everybody else is just gonna blather on about their fucking childhoods. Seriously, this place is full of mopey little twits who wont shut up about their crappy lives even though they made them that way. Okay not everyone's like that, but lots of them so I should take responsibility and make sure you know what's going on, anybody else you talk to will be useless, and apparently the school takes field trips here, so yeah. I could think of another guy who'd be better, since he knows more and sticks to his point, but he doesn't know how to write. So sorry Ollie but you're stuck with me, at least for the introductions.

I live in an institution. It's not like a psych ward or anything, it's not like any of us are certifiable. Probably everybody in that posh little school of yours says that we're a buncha loons. Some of us are, no getting around that, but I'm not. Maybe I sound like it 'cause I keep making up shit about your family, but even Dr. Kilby says that that just means that I'm creative. And Kilby's a real hard-ass. If you ever wind up in this dump you'd better make sure you get some other doctor. Like Dr. Sunny or someone. That's actually her name, and she's really cool, she used to let me sneak out to see my boyfriend back when I had one, and she always has really good gum. Like seriously the best gum ever. I don't know what its called, for some retarded reason its secret or something, but yeah. Excellent gum.

The hospital's called Hei Hua. Nobody except the Chinese kids actually know what that means, but one of 'em named Li Zhi thinks I'm sexy so he talks to me, he told me. Not that it's very fucking impressive, it means Black Flower which I guess is some kind of lame symbolism or for something. The person who started up the hospital wasn't even Chinese so I don't know why the fuck its even called that. A couple of the Chinese kids got really bitchy about pronunciation, and since everybody kept getting it wrong we eventually just switched to calling it Double H. Which is even stupider than it was before, but that's that way it is.

We have twelve different shrinks here, all of which are specialists in our 'disorder.' Also we've got a lot of regular doctors, cos all of us are really sick or else we wouldn't be here, we'd be in a swanky little school beating up freshman. I already told you that my shrink is Dr. Kilby, and that he's a total bastard. But he doesn't let me feel sorry for myself, which is good because I really don't want to be as lame as everybody else here. It'd be nice if he didn't think my not wanting to wear a dress is more important than why I tried to top myself though. Whatever. I've got like five or six different medical doctors because I have a lot of different disease and my cardiologist isn't allowed to give me cough drops. Then I have one who's supposed to keep track of everything, Dr. Nabokov, is cool even though she doesn't seem to read anything but Lolita over and over again, and she's always dragging around this stupid totebag with the slut in the heart-shaped sunglasses and she won't stop talking about how great her last name is because it's the same as--duh--Vladamir Nabokov's. She's not even allowed to give me hard candy I can pretend is a cough drop.

Me and a lot of the others spend most of our time lying in bed. Most of us smell like shit all the time because we only get to bathe when one of the nurses feel like helping us, and we pee ourselves and shit ourselves and puke down our shirts from Goodwill. A lot of us, myself included, agreed to diseases that we didn't know the definitions of, so now they're popping up and we feel lousy all the time. We're not allowed to make these sorts of deals anymore, mostly 'cause the doctors don't understand it and they don't want us fucking ourselves up any further. Which makes sense, but that doesn't stop some of these cunts from doing it anyway.

...motherfucker. Kilby just walked in and he's watching me, now he's breathing down my neck about all my fucks and cunts and repetitions. And now he's saying that nobody actually needs to know that he's in the room now, that that has nothing to do with the story at hand. Well excuse me, I thought that this was supposed to be about my life. My life is basically being looked at, so why the fuck shouldn't I write about it? No I will not delete that fuck or any of the other ones, and no I am not letting you edit it, it's going to be password protected 'til it's done. And Ollie I'm sorry for ignoring you and talking to this asshole, he has this thing about being the center of attention all the time. I don't think his mommy wuved him enough when he was widdle. Now he's practically got steam coming out of his ears.

Also for some reason he wants me to explain about the disorder. Which is called Lott's Disease by the medical guys, which you might not know because you probably haven't gotten very sick. Now that everybody and their mother knows about it it's kind of hard to fuck your life up unless you're really stupid. And I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt okay Ol, I'll assume that you're not borderline retarded. Maybe you do know it's called Lott's Disease, since to you it's probably just some unfortunate fuck-up that you're supposed to be careful about, like diabetes or asthma. Like no matter how good chocolate cake tastes or how much you really want to sniff paint fumes, you're going to go into a coma or stop breathing or something if you do. For me and the other kids at Double H, except for a couple of 'em who are so stupid they should just be shot and used for experiments, thought of Lott's at first like it was magic. Like serious, literal magic, not some kind of card game party trick thing. I mean it had a terrible price, which is probably all you know about. We're supposed to warn you off it even more.

But you know what? Kilby's left for another patient, and I've got a password that's so complicated that he'll never crack it, so I'll tell you, Ollie, I don't think you that should let your Lott's just be an illness. I bet you've never even made a deal before, and that's sad. That's really fucking sad. Don't do anything without thinking it through, don't do it the dumb way like I did but do it Ollie, it's not just something to be managed and ignored. Like, don't ask for a nice ass if it'll give you hepatitis, but sometimes all the system wants to throw you is a cold. With everything they must have taught you in your pricy school, you can probably do it right. So just give it a shot, okay Ol? Don't fuck it up but don't waste it, either.

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Nana: So did you enjoy Allison’s ranting? Come back soon for another installment, and leave me a review!