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Requirements: School Boys, Halloween, Vampire Costume and Boys Who Love Boys
My writing is usually quite serious so writing in this type of mood was a challenge. Constructive criticism is welcome.
A Ridiculous So-Called Holiday
“You know, attacking a pumpkin with a knife probably isn’t the best therapeutic method around.”
I rolled my eyes, seeing my boyfriend with an incredulous look on his face.
“Don’t be stupid, it’s Halloween dickflop,” I say grinning.
“Dickflop, that’s a new one, how long have you been sitting on that?” Toby asks, grinning too.
I glance at the clock, “Three hours and forty-two minutes.”
“Well, my dick certainly doesn’t flop. Would you like a demonstration?” he says through a smirk, stepping closer and closer so that his lips are pressed against my ear.
I shove him away. “Fuck off, I’ve almost finished. All I have to do now is carve the damn thing, which by the way, is harder than it looks!” I grumble, simultaneously stabbing the pumpkin in the eye. I’m naming it Hugo.
He sneers, “Please, Halloween is a ridiculous so-called holiday that needs to get cancer and die. Twice.”
“It is a ‘ridiculous so-called holiday’. Only, not for the reasons you think,” I begin to explain, ignoring his scoff. “You’re looking at it all wrong. All you’re seeing are the crappy vampire costumes—“
“Fourteen of them. Out of twenty-one snot faced little kids, fourteen of them were wearing vampire costumes.” Toby glances out the window. “Make that fifteen.”
“All you’re seeing are the crappy vampire costumes,” I continue. “You’ve got to think of it like this: there are tons of people, willing to give out chocolate and lollies for free! And all you have to do is dress up in a stupid costume and knock on their door. That’s ingenious stupidity right there! Now tell me that Halloween isn’t the best ridiculous so-called holiday ever!”
“Halloween isn’t the best ridiculous so-called holiday ever” he deadpans.
I growl to myself, sarcastic piece of shit.
“You’re just not blessed with the vision,” I shrug.
“I’m just not mentally retarded. No-one even goes trick-or-treating in Australia. How many people have rung your doorbell tonight, Seb?” he asks.
“Tw-in-grr-fa,” I cough out, covering my mouth with my hand.
‘Exactly,” he smirks.
Whatever. He’s just jealous coz he doesn’t have a sexy bod like me. I check myself out in the window. I’m hot stuff.
‘Yes! I did it! Are you proud?!” I show him the newly carved pumpkin, which looks pretty damn scary if I say so myself.
“If I say yes do I get in your pants?”
I chuck the carved out pumpkin at him. “Go make some popcorn.”
“Why?”
“Coz it’s Halloween and we’re watching scary movies, imbecile.”
“You know you should really try this verbal abuse stuff when we’re fucking. It’s turning me on.”
I throw more carved out pumpkin at him.
“Yeah, yeah I’m going, I’m going,” he sighs.
I watch his arse swing as he walks into the kitchen. He’s doing that on purpose. Cock tease.
I put Hugo in my room. He’s creeping me out and I made him. I think that shows that I did a damn good job. I tilt my head and survey the room. Survey, that’s a pretty funny word. Not as funny as door though. Say that a hundred times fast. My room’s perfect, from the black paper cats hanging from the ceiling to the spiders scattered all over the floor. I rule at life. No really, I do.
Alright, time to go get Toby. And the popcorn. He better have made the butter flavoured one.
I sneak into the kitchen, planning on screaming ‘BOO!’ in Tobes’ ear. But then…I hear it. What is it?
“I’m bringing sexy back. You other fuckers don’t know how to act.”
“Are you singing Justin Timberlake?!” I ask in amazement.
He blushes. “I can’t believe you know who that song’s by.”
Ooh, close but no cigar.
“Yeah, well I can’t believe you’re singing ‘Sexy Back’.”
“Whatever, I’m taking the popcorn upstairs.”
Toby: 0 Seb 1
Victory is sweet.
I run upstairs and see Tobes staring at my room, wonder and awe shining out of his eyes.
Well, that’s what I wanted to see. Instead he scoffs and says, “Ridiculous so-called holiday.”
I pout, “I thought it was pretty cool.”
He rolls his eyes, “It is, I’m just being a dickflop.”
He said dickflop! My word’s spreading!
“And now you’re grinning like a maniac.”
“You said dickflop, it’s spreading! Soon it’ll make it to the urban dictionary and then who knows what will happen!”
“There are so many jokes running through my head right now, I don’t know which one to choose.”
“Choose the one that goes: Let’s watch the scary movie now!”
“Can’t. It’s been chosen too many times. I have to give the other ones some time to shine.”
“We’re watching ‘Halloween: Resurrection’. Jamie Lee Curtis is in it. Oh and it has the word Halloween in the title.”
“I hadn’t noticed,” he says, sarcasm lacing his voice.
I press play and look over to where Hugo was, but he’s gone!
Oh, Toby has him.
Wait, Toby’s chucking him around.
“Don’t do that to Hugo!”
“Hugo?”
“Yeah, I named him.
“It, you named it.”
“Uh, no, he’s clearly a he.”
Thirty minutes into the movie and my mouth is wide open. Not because I’m scared, but because I’m yawning.
“I don’t even like Halloween and I think this movie is an insult to the so-called holiday,” Tobes whispers.
“It doesn’t even fall into the so bad, it’s good category. It just plain sucks.”
“I told you Halloween sucks.”
“Hey! One bad movie doesn’t make the whole of Halloween suck.”
“Uh, this movie isn’t just bad, it’s the worstest movie I’ve ever seen.”
“Worstest isn’t a word loser.”
“I know, but it’s so bad that it deserves a word of its own.”
Okay, now he’s licking my neck.
“You tickle!”
“Mmgghyff”
Lovely.
I lick him back. Oh God. He’s stopped licking. Well, my shirt’s disappeared. Imagine that.
Wait, he stopped.
“I’m going to eat you. All of you.”
“Uh…cannibalism isn’t really a turn on Toby.”
He pulls me towards him, pressing his lips against mine. A surprised moan comes from somewhere inside of me. I open my mouth for his tongue, and his hands rub down my chest and onto my butt, slowly, teasingly, tauntingly, while he’s pressing himself hard against me.
‘Mmm, Tobes.”
“Say my name, say my name,” he sings.
“Okay first Justin, now Destiny’s Child?” I just manage to breathe out. His singing is scarier than the movie.
“Shut up.”
And he makes me do that. Shut up that is.