Because I Love Him

One-Shot

I stared blankly at the wall. The words that had come through the telephone were pounding in my head.

"Hello? Shannon? Are you still there?"

"Yeah," I stuttered, "I'm here Lauren." I couldn't think of what to say, "I-I-"

I could hear understanding in her voice, "It was a drug overdose."

My eyes shut tightly as tears welled up. I had always known, "Oh God...Lauren..." I crumbled to the floor, still clutching the receiver. Sobs wracked my frame.

My friend was quiet on the other side of the phone.

Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't see anything, "Where is he?"

"We're in the ambulance, almost to the hospital." Her voice was blank, emotionless, and I knew she didn't believe all this was happening.

I could believe it just fine, "I'm coming to the hospital!" I hung up before she could respond. Grabbing my purse and my car keys I ran out my door and jumped into my truck. I could barely follow all the laws of the road as drove to the hospital as fast as I could. When I got there I saw the emergency personnel pulling him out on a stretcher. Lauren climbed out after him and when she saw me she started crying. She hugged me tightly and spoke in my ear.

"We didn't think this would happen...I told him to be careful but-"

"But you didn't stop him." I pulled away from her, my eyes accusing as I jogged after the stretcher. I caught up and looked down at him as the doctors and nurses rushed him through the halls. His skin was pale and sweating and his eyes were closed in pain. I wanted to fall to the floor again. Before I could enter the room with him a doctor stopped me.

"Are you related to the patient?"

I stared after him, a horrible feeling twisted my gut, "He's one of my best friends!"

"I'm sorry miss, but only family members can-"

"HIS FAMILY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HIM!!!" I shouted at him, thoroughly frustrated, "I am his family! I care more than any freaking blood related idiot!"

He shook his head sadly, unfazed by my outburst, "I'm sorry miss..."

The door shut and he walked away. I felt the tears coming again and I banged my fists against the wall, agony shaking me to the bones. Fifteen minutes later I still lay in my heap of anguish, wanting so badly to be near my friend. I heard someone come up behind me.

"He insisted he knew what he was doing...Mathew was okay with it even...I thought it would be okay."

I wanted to lunge at Lauren and rip her throat out, but my energy was fleeting and I couldn't move. I still sobbed desperately. She sat down next to me on the floor and tried to comfort me. I exploded.

"I told you this would happen! You guys didn't believe me! You burned all of your stupid brain cells and now you can't hear reason! Drugs don't help anyone! They just don't! They make people get hurt!"

She nodded, dammit she nodded as if she knew what I felt, "I tried to tell him too-"

"Bull! You smoked too! You drank too! You went to those stupid parties too! You encouraged him along with Mathew and your brother! When he could have stopped you didn't help a bit!" I swallowed roughly, "You didn't think to care a bit about him did you?"

Finally her calm broke, "Aren't you one to speak! You and your goodie-two-shoes crap! You didn't care an ounce about him! You complained about him, you mocked him and when he said he loved you what did you say?!"

"I said goodbye because I knew this would happen! I complained about him because of this stupid addiction. And if all that makes me some sort of goodie-two-shoes, well then I would rather be a living goodie-two-shoes than a dead drug addict!"

She threw up her hands, "You accuse me of not caring-I spent the weekends with him, I was there for him and what about you-"

"I was always with him at school! We were inseparable and you know it! He and I got along better than I've ever gotten along with anyone! He made me laugh dang it, he made me smile and he understood me!"

"He knew what it was like to lose the people in my life, he knew how I felt about my brothers, he could sympathize with everything!"

With the same words we finished our yelling match, "He was the only reason I went to school!"

I sniffed as we stared at each other. We were both out of breath, we both had reddened cheeks from crying and shouting. I gave a weak smile, "Then why are we fighting over who loved him more?"

Her face crumpled and she covered it with her hands, "I'm sorry I didn't stop him..."

I shrugged, "We both knew it would happen eventually, if not today then tomorrow or the next day."

A doctor walked up to us then, "Excuse me ladies, are you the family of the boy who came in with the drug overdose?"

Lauren shook her head but I cut her off, "We're the closest thing he has..."

He frowned, "Can you give me some information on him?"

I nodded.

"I need his full name, age, street address, phone number of parents if I could and anything he's allergic to."

"Aaron Brandon Devier," I started, savoring the sound of his name as I always had, "17 years old..."

Lauren finished the rest as I stared at the door they had taken him through. I wanted so badly to go in and see him, see if he was okay. And then I wanted to smack him. I wanted to slap him as hard as I could and make sure my hand was imprinted on his asshole face. He always did this to me, he always let something bad happen.

"Thank you ladies." The doctor began to walk away.

"Wait!" he turned, "Please," I said, "How is he? Is he going to be okay?"

He sighed, "The young man had quite an overdose, I don't know how he's going to turn out. We believe we have him stabilized but it's going to be a long night. I would love to give you perfect hope, but we just don't know."

"Could we see him? Please?"

He thought for a moment, but then nodded his assent, "Don't be too long, and definitely don't be loud."

Lauren looked at me regretfully, "I can't face him yet." She walked away down the hall without another word.

The doctor was already gone and I glanced at the door. With a deep cleansing breath I entered. The doctors and nurses at cleared out a little while before, leaving my friend hooked up to tubes and wires. I walked up beside him. Everything about him looked normal. His blondish/orange mohawk, without gel or hair glue, hung around his face framing his eyes. His skin was still pale, but I recognized every contour of his face. I hadn't seen him in nearly a month...I had been avoiding our next meeting with all that was in me. Aaron had been my dear friend for a year, but it seemed like a lifetime. He always had the punk influence on him and it was hard to imagine him as 'normal'. I tried once in a while, and ended up either gagging or giggling.

I had been closer to this human being than almost anyone before. We had spent every day of school in each other's company, laughing, causing trouble, and laughing some more. He had been one of my best friends...but I constantly worried about him. He used drugs, and he drank...he went to bad parties, and he did stupid things. He was the first friend I had ever had that had so many negative qualities. I had wanted to help him so badly. He knew I disapproved of the things he did, so to keep me from knowing he lied to me. He lied to me to protect me and keep me happy. Nothing could have hurt more. It was like a bittersweet symphony of pain. I knew he cared about me, but it hurt when the lies were discovered. I tried to get him to stop lying, but he wouldn't-or maybe couldn't.

By the end of the school year I had enough. I was cold toward him, not because I no longer liked him, but because I couldn't trust him. Everything that came out of his mouth was suddenly a lie. I hugged my friends on the last day of school and went home, wishing I could have been warmer toward the only one who had truly mattered. A couple days later Aaron and Lauren had three-way called me. It was a short conversation, I had not been in a very bright mood, and it ended the usual way. Lauren said "Laters!", and Aaron said "I love you Shan Shan!" and what did I say? I just said bye...I didn't confirm how much I loved him too, both of them for that matter, I just said bye.

Most of my hurt on this topic comes from the fact that I really was in love with him, or at least, I had a major crush. I had such for nearly four months...and I had never uttered a word. I knew I wasn't the kind of girl he went for, and letting him know how I felt might have torn our friendship apart. Besides, despite how much I liked him, I would never consent to date him-we were too much alike...it would be hell after a while. And our goals were different, I aspired to reach the top of the world-and all he wanted was some weed and Jack Daniel's.

So, as I stood in the hospital room, next to one of my favorite people in the world, all of our great times came crashing back. I sat on the side of the bed next to him, careful not to disturb any cords, and took his hand. It was cold, but alive. I looked at his face, he looked angelic in his sleep, it was hard to believe all the terror we had wreaked when he looked that innocent.

"Hey Monkey..." My nickname for him was mine alone, no one had ever dared use it-not even Lauren, "You've really got yourself into a hell of a mess now." Tears were coming again, I didn't know how long it would take them to run out.

My bottom lip trembled, "I love you Aaron!" It came out in a rush. I rested my head comfortably on his chest, "I always will."

I felt him stir a little, but didn't move.

"I love you too Shannon..." His sing-song baby voice taunted me.

I looked up into his dancing hazel eyes.

He smiled weakly, growing serious. His hand touched my face gently and then took my hand again, "I'm sorry." His eyes closed again and he drifted off.

I stared at his face, "So am I..." I felt his grip on my hand loosening. At first I thought he was just sleeping, but then I heard it.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-

It went on and I felt my heart shattering, "No! No Aaron! Don't go! Please don't go! Don't leave me!!! No!" His hand had gone completely still, death stealing over his body. I sobbed and ran out the door, just as Lauren and the doctor ran in.

I ran and ran, not stopping for anyone or anything. I ran out of the hospital and down the street. I just kept running, ignoring the aching that began to weave it's way through my legs. Finally I couldn't go on and I collapsed in the middle of a park. I curled up into a little ball and cried and cried. I couldn't breathe, I was hiccuping and sobbing and the tears just kept coming. I rocked back and forth, the sobs were wracking my body and I had no control over myself.

I don't know how long I lay there...there was so much pain and misery rolling around in my insides. I felt like my throat was going to shrivel up and my heart was going to burst.

After a time I started walking down streets. I didn't know where I was going-until I found myself looking at his house. I smiled through my tears, his house on Angela St. I laughed hysterically until I saw the car in the drive way. Suddenly, as if some bipolar witch had taken over my body I was glaring. Mathew's car. I ran up to the house and busted through the door. Mathew was sitting on a chair with his head in his hands.

He looked up at me, his eyes widening, he stood, "Shannon? What are you doing here-"

I flew at him in a rage, wanting to seize the life from him. I wanted to stamp out the light in his eyes. I wanted to send him to the hell where he belonged. I was too weak though, he caught me and stopped me.

"Shannon?! What's going on?!"

I began crying once again and I beat against his chest, "You killed him! You killed him!"

"Who-" Realization struck him, "Aaron?"

"You killed him!" I was too weak to do anything. I lay my head on his shoulder and sobbed, "He's gone..."

Mathew held me close, stoking my hair, "It'll be okay, it'll be okay....it's okay Shan."

"No!" The scream ripped from me, I tried to pull away from him but he wouldn't let me go.

"Shhh, it will be okay." He brought me over to a couch and sat down, pulling me down beside him.

Five days later I woke up in my warm bed. My muscles were stiff, I stretched languidly, trying to stay in my wonderful dream, trying to escape reality for a little while longer. When I finally opened my eyes I saw the sun streaming in through my window. It wasn't fair, the sky shouldn't be happy on such a sad day. With the thought all the sadness came back to me, all the memories rushed up to meet me. In the past few days I thought I had run out of tears, I was wrong.

As I got dressed quietly the tears flowed down my cheeks. I dressed in a long black skirt and a long sleeve black shirt. I slipped on a pair of black sandals and put my hair on top of my head. I put on a little makeup and walked out of my room and down the stairs. My parents wouldn't be coming with me today, it was my day of mourning...they had not really known him anyway.

I hopped up into my truck and drove to the church. The parking lot was slowly filling up. I saw our friends from school there, I saw teachers, and even a few of his stupid druggie friends. I sat in the car, watching. I didn't know if I could do this. A head appeared outside my window. Green eyes and short spiked blonde hair. Aaron and I used to joke about Mathew looking like a Back Street Boy. He opened my door gently and leaned against the frame of the car. I gave him a watery smile, somehow finding it in me to like the son of a bitch. He smiled back and took my hand gently. He led me away from my truck and towards the building. I walked demurely next to him, wishing I could see people through my tears.

I heard someone call my name and I turned to see one of our teachers. He was the one that always separated Aaron and I during class for talking too much. He gave me a sympathetic look, well, he meant for it to be sympathetic-but only pity swam in his eyes.

"How are you holding up Shannon?"

I tried to speak, really I did, but nothing came except more tears.

Mathew put an arm around my shoulder and glared at the teacher, "Maybe you could talk to her later-like in a couple years." He led me away.

No one else tried to talk to me...but when I could actually see out of my eyes all I saw was pity. Was I the only one who mourned him? Was I truly the only one who was dying inside? Before I knew it Mathew had found us some seats, Lauren was on his other side. Her head was in her hands again, she couldn't meet my eyes. That was just as well, I couldn't see her. As people began to speak about Aaron at the podium I refused to listen. Their words were the words of anyone who would go to a funeral. His mother had singled out a time for one of his friends to speak-apparently Aaron and Lauren had immediately nominated me. As I was about to stand I heard Mathew's whisper.

"Can you do it?"

I nodded quietly, the tears finally leaving me alone for a few minutes. I walked to the podium slowly, trying to gather my wits about me. When I got there, I looked at a picture of Aaron they had sitting up there next to the casket. It was a picture taken by the school...A stupid one. It wasn't him, mostly because he looked serious. I pulled a picture frame out of my purse and looked at the crowd.

"That's not Aaron, not the one I knew." I pointed at the picture they had, then I turned the one I had to the crowd. It was a picture of him with his mohawk colored red and sticking straight up. He had the cheesiest grin on his face and he was looking directly at the camera, "This is Aaron." I heard a few people in the crowd chuckle.

I grinned, "He would make that smile because he knew it made me laugh no matter what. I remember he would always make it during class from across the room, just to get me in trouble for laughing. The teacher never figured it out." I looked down at my hands, feeling the smile slip from me as I remembered, "Aaron was one of the best friends I've ever had. He always knew when I was sad, and how to cheer me up. Aaron was a great person, but he was an idiot."

I saw the smiles die on people faces as they comprehended what I had said.

"Yes, that's right. He was an idiot. Aaron would rather lie to someone than have them disappointed in him. He would rather joke with someone when they were sad than talk about terrible things. He would rather plop down on the ground than sit on a cushioned chair. Aaron would rather sit on you than let you tickle him. He would rather die than bring someone else down by telling them how badly he felt. Yes indeed, Aaron was a total idiot. He was considerate, compassionate, and HIGH-larious." I laughed, "He always brought me out of my glooms, rather than let me sit among my loathing and self pity. He wasn't always thinking of other people, but he tried to. The last thing Aaron said to me was 'I'm sorry'...he was thinking of me then. Again. He always seemed consider my feelings first. I don't know what else to tell you about him. He was pure fun, one of the main reasons for me to wake up in the morning. He's gone now, and I don't think any of us can be fully sure where he is, but one thing is for sure. If he saw us all right now he would complain that there were no helium balloons or silly string."

The crowd applauded and I heard a lot of laughter.

Once they quieted down I started again, "I will always love Aaron." Suddenly I couldn't say anymore. I was too choked up with emotion. I gave a shaky smile and went back to my seat. Without a word Mathew put his arm around me and held me close. I couldn't help but think of the times Aaron and I had used each other's shoulders as a pillow. There were a few more speakers, and then the procession to the cemetery. I rode with Mathew and Lauren. When we stood around the grave listening to the priest I was suddenly overwhelmed.

It was going to be so cold and dark in that grave. He was going to be all alone, in a cold dark place. All alone. I couldn't stand to think of his beautiful eyes, the light dead within them, staring at me from inside the grave. I turned away, feeling sick to my stomach. Mathew turned with me. When he saw my expression he took my arm and led me away a little. He sat down with me by a tree. Our backs rested against it on opposite sides. I thought again of Aaron and I.

"Shan-"

"He's gone Matt. He's gone. That stupid little Monkey is gone and he's not coming back this time."

"I know..."

I looked up at the beautiful blue sky, "Are you going to continue smoking?"

He was silent for a moment, as if he was deep in thought. Then he took a deep breath, "No."

"It will be hard to quit."

"I know."

"Drinking?"

He answered more quickly this time, "Not again until I'm 21. And then, lightly..."

I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see me, "Are you going to hang out with druggies and alkys?"

"I don't have anybody else."

I considered my next statement carefully, "If you quit, you have me."

I heard nothing in response and immediately regretted what I had said. I was about to get up when I heard him moving. Suddenly, he was on my side of the tree. He took my hand and twined his fingers through mine. He gazed up at the sky, "You can see the sun from this side..."

I understood his comment and smiled, "I try to stay on the bright side of things."

He split his gaze from the sky and looked at me, with his free hand he tilted my chin up and kissed me gently. When he drew away he was grinning, "I'd quit anything for another one of those."

I rolled my eyes and leaned up to kiss him again.

Mathew grinned and lifted me off the ground, "Come along deary. We have a funeral to finish and a future to discuss."

Author's Note: This story is dedicated to everyone who has lost someone to drug and alcohol overdoses. I mourn your misery and I hope you can recover someday. The events, characters, scenes, and depictions of this story were based on true life experiences from yours truly's life. Names have been changed to disguise identities. However, I have not had to yet experience the death, and I pray to God I never will. Because I love him.