Stop A Baby's Breath, And A Shoe Full of Rice

By FuelingtheFire

When we are young we think we know everything. We have hopes and dreams. Somehow, we're able to avoid all of our fears as we romp through the sunlight. I have been young all of my life, up until this moment. My life has just changed in the most dramatic way I could ever imagined. I thought I knew everything. I thought the world would always be full of the sunshine that has always kept my fears at bay. I was wrong.

I'm staring at the blood. I can still hear the echo of a gun shot. I can see her hand laying on the floor. I can see it all. I thought I knew everything. I thought wrong. I can't believe this has happened. I thought I knew everything. I see her black bracelets and can't help but think back...

She was a punk, who rarely ever took advice. She thought she knew everything. She dyed her hair black because "the big guy screwed up". She wanted to get colored contacts, but I managed to convince her not to. Her eyes were the brightest blue I had ever seen, covering them up would be a crime. She dressed in black and purple. Once in a while she would wear something dark green or red. She got at least two detentions everyday. She was on a first name basis with nearly ever policemen in our county. She got into fights with girls and boys alike. She wasn't the Ice Queen...she was the Rampaging Goddess of Fire. If she hated you, one glare would turn you to ashes. If she liked you, well...you didn't really know it. She saw positive emotion as a weakness. She was feared, yet respected. If people weren't so afraid of her, I have no doubt she would have been hired as a hit man.

She was my best friend.

My memories fade for a moment as I stare at that hand. The blood has covered more of the carpet. It's starting to soak in. I'm standing down the hall, just staring. I can't move. I hear pounding on the door as someone tries to get in. They won't get in for a while. I can't bring myself to go towards the door. The door that is opened a crack, just a crack. Behind it, I can see her hand. Her black bracelets cover the scars. Scars. Years of mental abuse and self hatred did this.

I tried to stop her. I did my best. I was there for her as much as possible. I lent my shoulder for crying upon. It wasn't my fault. I tried. I tried to help her. It wasn't my fault. I can't be held responsible. It was their fault, they always did this to her...

There was a knock at my door. I frowned. It was too late at night for visitors. What the hell was going on? I stood from my desk and wandered over to the front door. I looked through the spy hole. What I saw made my heart clench in pain. Her hair was mess, her mascara and eyeliner were running down her face as she cried. She had her arms around herself and was rocking back and forth as she bit her lip.

I swung open the door and she flung herself into my arms. I held her there, savoring the feel of her near me. Walking us back into my apartment a little, I kicked the door shut. She was sobbing into my shoulder and mumbling words too fast for me to understand. I felt her own pain transfer to my soul. I stroked her hair.

"Em? Em, what happened? What's wrong?" I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat, "Are you hurt? What's going on? Em..?"

"J-Ja-Jason!!!" She sobbed out my name and clung tighter to me, "I can't live without him! I can't do it! How can I?!"

"Shhh, who Em? What happened?"

"Nick! Nick broke up with me!" Her tears were slowly soaking my T-shirt, "I can't live without him! He was everything to me!"

I sighed. Nick. Her latest obsession. She did this at least once a month. She got hung up on some guy who was destined to break her heart. As soon as it was over she came to me, all tears and oaths and promises. Every time I would mend her heart as best as I could, and then watch her find someone new to break herself over.

Oh Emily, you're so foolish...I picked her up gently and brought her over to my couch. I lay her down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, "Stay right here, I'll be right back."

I went into the kitchen and, after composing my fury over what that jerk had done to her, fetched the necessities. When I returned to the living room I was carrying a box of tissues, a bag of M&Ms and some hot chocolate. As I sat down next to her, she cuddled up next to me, leaning her head on my shoulder. She took the tissues.

In between sniffles she said, "Jason, why did he dump me? Why am I all alone? Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? What's wrong with me?!"

"Nothing is wrong with you Em," I leaned my cheek on her head, hugging her close to me, "You're perfect..."

She sniffed again, "Why can't I meet guys like you?"

I bit the inside of my mouth, closing my eyes in both physical and emotional pain. I couldn't answer her. I couldn't tell her that she had met someone like me. Me, to be exact. I wanted to hold on to her forever, but I already knew that in a week she would be hooked on someone again. Someone else. Not me. Never me.

Someone had finally knocked down the door. I heard them running through the apartment, searching for us. I knew everything that was going on, but I was still stuck in my memories. Someone came up beside me. A police officer. He looked me in the eye.

"Son, what's going on here?! There were reports of gunfire!"

I couldn't answer him, I couldn't look at him. I think I may have even stopped breathing. I just looked at where her hand had fallen. I won't be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place.

I can't remember now, what made us think that we were wise? Why did we believe we knew everything? Why did we think we would never compromise?

My hand was around the scum's neck as I held him against the wall. I wanted to pummel him, thrash him, beat him...I wanted to kill him. He broke her heart. They always broke her heart.

"If you ever, ever, go near her again, I will kill you. Not hurt you, kill you." I let go of him and started off down the school hall.

"Oh really, Jason?! You'll kill me?! Is it because I broke up with her? Or because you aren't with her?!"

I turned back around, but he was already gone. My face burned, and hurriedly I looked around to make sure no one else had heard. I was the only one in the hall. My hands itched to destroy something. He was right. I hated him not for hurting her, but for being with her in the first place. I slammed my hand into the closest locker, leaving a hollow dent. I clutched my hand in pain as I wound my way through the halls to find her. My knuckles were bloody, but at least a little of my rage had cooled. And Nicholas would be walking around with a black eye and broken nose for a while.

If you had asked me back then if I thought we would die for these sins, I would have looked at you as if you were crazy. Die? Us? Never. We were invincible. Nothing could hurt us. We would never be old, or weak. We would never die. I mean, we were only in high school. You would think we would have had a clue...but we were too wise. We thought we knew everything.

The police officer followed my stark gaze. His breath caught when he saw the cracked open door. The pool of blood had stopped expanding. It was soaking into the carpet. Her black bracelets concealed the reasons. The rising action was contained beneath them.

I heard him yell to the others, I saw them rush past me. I could not move. I could not speak.

The phone rang. I quickly finished bandaging my knuckles and reached for it.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end was female, and sounded suspiciously desperate, "Jason?! Hi, umm, how are you?"

I frowned, "I'm fine Em, how are you?"

There was a pause, I could almost feel the rest of our lives written out in that time, "I'm okay, I guess."

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah," she said quicker this time, "I think I figured out a way to deal with it."

"Great! How?" I was smiling. That was Em, never the one to take long to bounce back.

"Umm, you'll see." I heard a certain nervousness in her voice, "Hey Jason, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. You mean a lot to me, and if it wasn't for you...well, I don't know how long I would have lasted in this world."

Her words sounded weird, like there was a meaning I was missing, "You'll last a lot longer if it's up to me, you'll see. I love you too Em." She would never realize how true it was.

"Thank you for being my friend too. I just," she paused and I heard her sniff, "I just need you to know how much you mean to me. So much, so very much.. I gotta go now."

Something told me to keep her on the line as long as possible, "Em, do you want me to come over? I could read you bedtime stories and watch Disney movies with you. I mean, I could-"

"No! Really, Jason, it's okay. I'm going now."

"Em! No, don't hang up-" There was a click. Even though I knew the phone was dead I couldn't help yelling, "Em, no! Don't go! Come back! Emily!" I slammed the phone down and ran out my door.

I stared as the door was opened. Now I could see her black hair fanned out on the carpet. I could see the gun that had dropped from her hand. I could see the hole in her head. Her blue eyes were staring out me from the room down the hall. A smile curled her lips and she looked happy. I stared at her.

I stared, and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. The whole thing caught up with me and I felt tears washing my cheeks. The salty balm was flooding my eyes. I sunk down to my knees on the floor. I clutched my sides against the searing pain that caught up with me. I hadn't believed until now. I didn't want to believe. I thought I knew everything.

She lived only a few blocks away from me. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, praying my gut feeling was wrong. I ran faster than I had ever imagined possible. I ran into her apartment building. I ran up the stairs. I ran down halls. I ran.

When I reached her door I knocked loudly, "Emily! Open the door now! Emily, please! Please open the door! Em!"

And that's when I heard it. It was a sound that would haunt me for the rest of my life. A gun shot. I ripped the door open, slamming it behind me. I was just in time to see her fall through the crack in the door. Just in time to see the first drops of blood hit the ground. I came to an abrupt halt, trying to deny what I had just witnessed. Her hand was on the ground, black bracelets on her wrist.

I was laying on the floor. My head was on the floor. And I was sobbing. It wasn't my fault. I tried to stop her. I was always there for her. Why did I feel like this was all my fault? Why was I stricken with so much guilt? I tried to stop her. I tried.

My tears were soaking the carpet in the same way that her blood had. And it hit me. We're not invincible. We do not know everything. We will all die. We will be held responsible for everything we do. We will compromise. And there is no way in hell that we are wise. If we run from our fears, it will only be a matter of time before they catch up with us. And they will catch up with us. We are not invincible. I believe now.

A/N: Inspired by the song "The Freshman" by Verve Pipe.