wreck and ruin

let me make this quite clear.
i want to survive this.

well, i agree with eve
that this wreck and ruin is devil’s work
and that we all long to escape from our bodies
- this wreck and ruin is me -
counting all the utter logics of religion,
and of my mistakes,
because scientifically, they have proven
that jesus was holy right down to his marrow
and that the novice white does not suit me
but that the silence does.

and,
i am alike to the creepers
- and the silence -
of a god we have forgotten
whose plea so resembles mine; not worship but company
because it’s lonely being the only god.
there used to be so many, so many, but your fanaticism
killed them, leaving this aging divine with this
wreck and ruin worship.

well.
if you are going to do something, at least
do it properly, because he suffers from the
revival movement, honey.
and now they really are false idols:
there’s not a temple left in the world
with the rain we harvest here
but still no thunder.

and how i long for something alive
when i lie down with the creepers
debating what you must think of this
wreck and ruin i am praying in
and for.

and – and let me make this quite clear.
i want to survive this.

a/n: i once said i was religious. i don’t know that anymore, but i wish i wish i wish i believed in god. instead, i believe in luck, and mana and spirit, and those things are just tools, not...not comforts. not comforts. but i find myself wishing i could lock myself away in monasteries, thinking pious and shaken with feeling from every psalm. and kyrie eleison still makes me cry, but i'll be damned if i know why, except that it shakes me out loose and i wish it could cross my lips thick with belief and utter...utter praying, like, god, god, god, like i actually am calling out to someone when i say lord help me. whether he answers or not. what does that make me? i'm willing to beleive in any god you give me that i can pray to, even knowing he doesn't exist. i just want faith, dammit. because it's not beauty, it's something else. and i wish i knew what.