"untitled comedy"

Master-scene script

Version: First Draft

Author: NC3

INT - A SMALL DINER OR COFFEE SHOP - MORNING

Two junior college students, JOHN and MILES, sit across from each other at a table. A multitude of empty coffee cups sit in front of John, but only one on Miles' side. Miles appears to be reading a short novel, while John rants on about his girl trouble.

JOHN

Stan's a good guy and all, yeah. But, I mean, c'mon. It's Stan. Stan's not funny.

MILES

He's good-looking and drives a benz.

JOHN

Yeah...

John finishes off his last coffee.

JOHN (CONT'D)

I dislike irony.

MILES

Only dislike?

JOHN

How are you doing that?

John points his hand towards Miles' book, to signify his reading it.

MILES

Well, I went to elementary school- what the hell are you talking about?

JOHN

How are you reading and talking to me at the same time?

MILES

(bluntly)

I'm not talking to you.

John suddenly looks confused as what all.

JOHN

...No?

Miles audibly exhales.

MILES

I'm listening to you bitch about chicks-

JOHN

A chick.

MILES

And I'm giving feedback, while reading my book.

A small pause between them.

MILES (CONT'D)

It's called multi-tasking.

JOHN

It's a little inconsiderate

MILES

Your face is inconsiderate.

JOHN

I'm being serious here, man.

MILES

So what do you want to do?

JOHN

I don't know...

Miles glances at the page number he's on, closes his book, and sets it on the table.

MILES

You wanna OPP her or what?

JOHN

Nooooo... I want to come at it clean... or at least as clean dirty can get.

They both think hard for a moment.

MILES

Maybe you should write her a letter.

JOHN

Maybe I should write HIM a letter!

MILES

...About how you want him to break up with his girlfriend so you can date her?

John thinks about it for a moment.

JOHN

Why not?

MILES

Oh, I don't know, maybe 'cause it's frikkin' stupid?

JOHN

No, think about it. If I write a good enough letter, one that expresses all my emotions and thoughts thoroughly, conveying them to the umpteenth degree, I mean the best letter anyone's ever read, he has to understand-

MILES

Stop right there.

John looks slightly aggravated.

MILES (CONT'D)

Now think for a second. If Dana was your girlfriend, and out of the blue some dude gave you a letter saying, "You're not right for her, she should be with me 'cause we're soul mates or some crap. By the way, mercedes sucks. Love, some douchebag you met once." Wouldn't you laugh your ass off and toss it in the trash? Or would you find where the guy was, and knock his lights out? 'Cause I guarantee he's going to do one or both of those.

JOHN

Not after he reads my letter.

MILES

(chuckling)

Trust me, it's going to be after he reads your letter.

JOHN

Why my letter?

MILES

'Cause you're an idiot, John.

John definitely looks aggravated. Miles takes his book off the table.

MILES (CONT'D)

And I'm sure he's bigger than you. You're better off writing her love letters and romantic crap, and that's if she gives a crap.

JOHN

She should... I mean, I've known her long enough.

MILES

Has she known you long enough?

Another pause between them. Miles shows a look of genuine concern before he gets up. John starts playing with his coffee straw.

MILES (CONT'D)

My class is starting. Just make sure the storyboards get printed by 1:00 today. I spent half the night on 'em. That's half a night I could've spent doing something a lot less monotonous.

JOHN

Yeah, yeah.

Miles walks toward the front door, but stops before he gets to it, looking back.

MILES

And for the love of your future alien worm babies, don't write him any letters, please.

John's face becomes very stern as Miles walks out the door.

JOHN

(low mumble)

I'm gonna write him the letter.