Pick up the Phone!!!

We enter the scene with Scream sitting down on an antique wicker couch in his sunroom. Next to him is a small table with a Mai Tai and a phone. He picks up the phone to call his latest victim, whose number is supposedly on speeddile.

ring ring ring

Scream: MWAHAHAHA time for my infamous evil phone call before I take the victim's life….

ring ring ring

Scream: (To self) Pick up the phone….c'mon pick up!!

Voice: Hello-

Scream: Do you like-

Voice: Your call is important to us, so please hold.

Scream: Okay…

5 minutes later

Voice: Hello again-

Scream: Yes! Do you like scary m-

Voice: If you would like to talk to the resident of this household, press ooooooone.

Scream: OKAY! Presses 1

10 minutes later

Person: Hello?

Scream: cough of surprise Do you like scary mov-

Person: Aw dang! Jerry is that you again!?

Scream: Oprah? Oh sht I must have pressed the wrong number on speedile….

Oprah: That's all right Jerry, you know I'm always up at this time of night anyway dealing my pot.

Scream: Pardon?

Oprah: CLEANING MY POTS!!

Scream: Of coarse, well now you're hear-

Oprah: Hold on Jerry! Other line!

Scream: I thought I told her not to call me that….

Voice: Call you what?

Oprah: Back! We're on four way-Samara and that Quaker from the oatmeal box is on.

Samara: How's it crackin' Jerry?

Scream: It's 'aight, but don't call me that.

Samara: Jerry Jerry Jerry Poo!

Scream: Yer mom.

Quaker: Yo mama is yo brotha's mama!

Oprah: What was it you wanted to ask me before Scream?

Scream: I wanted to know if you knew the number of my latest victim so I could call her?

Oprah: Oh well-

Quaker: Of course you can't murder anybody until you've had a nice nutritious bowl of-

Samara: Stuff you!

Voice: OOOH Speaking of numbers, I was having the most fab conversation with Satan the other day and OH MY GAH! Turns out he was the one who gave out Paris Hilton's phone number to everyone! Isn't that scandalous!!!!???

Scream: Who the fruit was that?

Oprah: Oh yeah, Santa Claus just joined from line five

Quaker: Hey Santa, have you had your helping of oatmeal toda-

Samara: SHUT UP YOU DOINK!

Quaker: …What would Jesus think…

Oprah: (Not paying attention) Oh my golly! I talked to Lucifer not that long after the incident too and he did seem oddly chipper!

Santa Claus: Sounds like he needs some lovin'…..oooooooooh!!!!

Oprah: giggle

Samara: Gag me…ey Santa, how bout you give me a hairbrush for Christmas?

Santa Claus: Girl friend, you need some therious leave-in-conditioner and foaming pomade for those tangles!

Scream: I recommend Herbal Essence; it really does leave your hair soft and awaken your senses at the same time!

Quaker: Yes, but always remember when you take a shower to bring a nice hot bowl of Quaker oatm-

Samara: GO BACK TO THE FOOD NETWORK!!!

Oprah: Oh, I had Emril on from the food network the other day and he had this AMAZING recipe for lasagna!

Santa Claus: Oh was it that one with the four cheeses??!! I was planning on making that for Mik-I mean Mrs. Claus!

Scream: Didn't she divorce you because of intimacy problems?

Santa Claus: Well-

Quaker: Never go to divorce court without having a hearty bowl of oatme-

Samara: ENOUGH!!!! I'm leaving; I have palates at 7am tomorrow anyway.

Oprah and Scream: See ya

Santa Claus: Me too, cheers lovelies!

Oprah: By Santa dear!

Scream: Have fun bro. You know, Oprah, I think I'm ready to go too…

Oprah: Oh, but didn't you want that number?

Scream: Well, I think I just pressed the wrong number.

Oprah: Okay Jerry, good luck!

Scream hangs up the phone and presses five on speedile and hears "My Humps" by Black Eyed Peas playing for the ring

Scream: Yes! Here we go!

Voice: Hello?

Scream: Do you like scary movieeees????

Voice: Do you like Quaker Oatme-

Scream: GODDAMNIT!! Hangs up phone

END