All right. Here it is.

Disclaimer thingy: So I was reading this and I was all “OH SNAP!” because it has the feel of Dr. Pepper14’s story “Saturday Morning Cartoons.”(did I get that right?!)I admire her and her writing, but I do not want it to sound justlike hers because of plagiarism and the fact that it’ll prove my creativity has become a pile of shit. So. You should definitely read her stories if you haven’t already. And please don’t be all “Oh wow this is just like hers” because it isn’t I tell you! It isn’t!

Warning: Crude humor, tasteless language, indirect and direct references to sex and masturbation, overall nonsense, the story line where a kid likes his best friend, and fire ants and child molesters. Oh wait…nope those last two are actually what’s in my pants. Any maturity that my writing gained while writing BBB has gone down the drain… XD

So…you have been warned!

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Smells Like Teen Spirit

Chapter One:

Jingle Heimer Shit

The bed shakes and creaks under me, waking me from a comfortable, deep sleep. I clench my teeth tightly together as another vigorous lurch goes through the bed.

I find the source of my awakening and glare at it, teeth gritted.

“Ben! Stop beating your meat!” I order, kicking my best friend off the bed.

He glares at me from over the mattress and pulls himself back up. “God, Cody. If I don’t do it now I won’t have time to do it when I get home after school and it’s my night to make dinner.”

“Do you have to do it in bed? With me in your bed?” I demand.

“Well…no… But it was easier to do and I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“I do mind.” I grab the meat tenderizer out of his hand and glare at the slab of…ham or whatever the hell it is that’s on a cutting board between my legs in the midst of the blankets.

Ben pouts at me. “Aw, Cody. Come on. Don’t be mad at me.”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t know why I keep coming back here. Spending the night here is almost like torture. As if the porn last night wasn’t bad enough.” I kick the DVD case for “Dirty Young Girls” across the room and glare at that now.

“There’s nothing wrong with my porn.” Ben chases it and I can’t help staring at his ass as he bends down to pick it up.

He’s right. If it hadn’t been featuring girls I probably would’ve liked it a lot. But Ben doesn’t need to know about my disinterest in girls or my interest in him. No…not him…just guys in general. Him? Psssht, yeah right.

“I’m going to go take a shower,” I announce, carefully sliding away from the meat.

“I’ll join you in five.” Ben grins at me and I have to quickly look away as I feel my cheeks grow hot.

“You’re an idiot,” I mumble, running out of his room and down the hall.

“Yeah, but I’m your idiot!” he calls after me.

He does have a point there…

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“John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt,” Ben whispers to me.

“His name is my name too…” I hiss back, keeping my eyes on our substitute teacher who’s busy looking down Beth Mosley’s shirt.

“Whenever we go out…”

“The people always shout.”

“‘There goes John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt.’”

“NANANANANANANANA!” We join in together and all eyes are on us.

“Thank you, thank you. We’ll be here all—”

“Of your lives. You know you won’t proceed onto being juniors,” cuts in our other friend and partner in crime, Tiffany Jenkins AKA Tiff. She throws a pencil at my head and it bounces off to hit Ben’s chest. “Oh yeah! Double whammy!” Tiff throws her hands into the air and gives herself a cheer.

“Satan lives in you, Tiffany Anne Jenkins. He lives in your twisted, shriveled heart,” Ben moans, making an X with his pointer fingers and holding them out at her.

“I thought those shriveled things were her boobs,” I add and Ben high-fives me.

“The three of you should be quiet if you don’t want detention,” the sub threatens. He sounds like a woman. It makes me crack up. I try to hold it in but everyone knows that when you’re not supposed to be laughing it makes stopping your laughter even harder to do. Add that to the fact that I’ve had to piss since before Ben and I left for school today, and we have a problem. I have not peed my pants since the first grade during recess when I was having too much fun on the snow hill to tell anyone that I needed to use the potty. And I do not want the first grade to come back to haunt me today.

“Uhhh,” I groan and slam my head down onto my desk, which is funny to me for some reason. I slide out of my desk and onto the floor, moaning, “The torture, the torture!” again and again.

“Hey! Cody needs to piss!” Ben announces, jumping out of his chair, recognizing my “my bladder will explode any minute now!” ritual.

“He can wait till after class!” Mr. Pervert the Sub snaps and I moan louder.

Ben starts to snicker and Ben laughing always makes Cody laugh. Oh, Jesus.

And I can’t stand it. I scramble up and take off running to the classroom door and then down the hall.

“I need to help him aim!” Ben yells behind me and I glance over my shoulder to see him running after me. Tiff is standing in the doorway, watching the two of us, a smirk on her face.

I unzip my pants while I run and dive into the bathroom, whipping out Cody Jr. and coming to a stop at the urinal, half laughing and half crying.

Ben stands back and lets me do my thing.

“Help me aim?” I demand, glancing over my shoulder at him. “Announcing to the world that I’m about to piss my pants? Do you get off every time you embarrass me?”

“To put it simply…yes. I do.” He rubs the front of his pants to prove it. I turn around and sneer at him as I zip up my pants…just as someone walks into the room.

“Oh, sick!” They back out of the room.

“It’s not what you think!” I shout and Ben starts dying laughing, dropping his hand. I sit down on the grimy, disgusting floor and close my eyes. “My whole life is an awkward moment.”

“It’s okay…I’m here to walk you through this. You can even hold my hand if you need to,” Ben murmurs. “Now get up you worthless, lazy ass. We need to get back to class.”

“I don’t want to.” I hug my knees.

“I’ll make Mr. Neetz come and get you. He’ll feel you up with his big, hairy man-hands and then tonight when he’s home alone in his mother’s basement, he’ll think about you and touch himself, having the most intense orgasm of his life. While it would be a good deed to help that man’s nonexistent sex life, it would be disgusting and I think you’d be scarred for life so get up.”

The thought of my art teacher makes me sigh and obey, letting him guide me to the sink to wash my hands before dragging me down the hall by my pinky, reciting the “This little piggy” nursery rhyme that’s meant for toes and not fingers, for children and not for a fifteen and a sixteen year old boy.

“Sorry for interrupting the class,” I apologize when we get back to the room even though we technically disrupted nothing besides the sub introducing himself and telling us to read quietly for forty-five minutes, but oh well.

“Just sit down.”

“Yes, ma’am. Sir. Okay. Sorry.” I sit down and Tiff winks at me from across the room.

“The torture!” someone cries out suddenly and the room is thrown into laughter once more.

I hang my head and bite my lip.

“Nananananananana…” I mumble under my breath. “John Jacob…”

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Everyone in my family is classified as a bitch. It’s just the way it is. They have nice moments…lots of them, actually, but seeing as how I’m an angsty (hardly), rebellious (I don’t even swear around my parents most of the time) teenager, it’s part of my job to hate them and put them in the bitch category.

So I get home from school and my mom starts complaining that I shouldn’t have spent the night at Ben’s on a school night and when she’s upset her southern accent acts up and for some reason that makes me want to laugh and once again…when you’re not supposed to laugh…you do and so before I know it, I’m snorting and giggling in front of her while she glares.

So she smacks me in the side of the head and tells me to “get the hell upstairs” so I obey like the good kid I am.

And mutter that she’s a bitch all the way there.

There was one time in my life when my parents were saints. But then I met Ben and my parents decided not to like him when I decided that I’d like him in an unhealthy way—no just kidding ahaha—and so I had to interfere. I chose Ben over my parents. Why?

Because he’s sexy.

No. I mean…because he’s a good friend.

But he’s sort of sexy too, I guess. If I had to decide between sexy and unsexy I’d pick sexy… If I had to.

No…just never mind.

He’s a good friend.

AN: Yes Ben was tenderizing meat... And yes there is a porno DVD called "Dirty Young Girls" coughcough.

Temporary title? Do people like it…hate it…have any better ideas?

Annnnd…soooo XD Tell me what you think about this, please. It’s pretty different from pretty much anything else I’ve ever written…