My mind fell into chaos and my body was confotably numb for a moment. I forgot who I was and where I was. All I could think about was the hard dissapointment inside, and how humiliated I had been. I had told people how he was in love with me, and how I was so happy he was. I was a fool, a complete and idiotic fool but still we are all fool’s in love, I believe someone once said.

It is not in my nature to talk about feelings and such. I’m not a very privet person, no far from that. I say what’s on my mind anf I mostly don’t mind if someone get’s hurt by it, even if I act like I do... sometimes I wish we could live in a society where people could speak their minds freely, and not having to worry about the effects it would have on their social life and society it self. But as I was saying, I simply allowed my self to be flattered by my friends, as they toldme he was in fact in love with me, and that I would probably be dating him soon.. oh, how lucky of me! An older boy, popular, handsome, with a rock band... just everything any girl could dream. It is true that not much after this I found out he is in fact a bit vulgar and has an extraordinary lack of humour and intelligence... but don’t think that’s relevant, now is it?

Anyway, I got on hell of a no... I was not humillianted, it was a quiet dismissal, and what hurted me wasthat someone I found trusthworthy was now claiming that my dearest friends were liars, and had never spoken to him about my affections towards his friend... and there I was, making a complete fool of my self...

But I could walk and I did. I played the nice girl part that seems so fit for me. I smiled and told him it was alright, taht I didn’t mind and I said to others that I was more upset about being lied to then anything... but I lied, because lying is the easiest way out and I’m just so fucking lazy, you wouldn’t believe it.

I’m a nice person... I voluntire at children’s center during the summer, I help others, I hold dooors to people that come behind me, I’m polite, I help my friends, I forgive mostly anything that is done to me, I’m calm, I have a sense of humour, maybe too sharp and sometimes abusingly mean but I still get away with it, because I’m nice and friendly... I’m just not very sociable. I don’t like talking, and being touched by people. I’m paranoied and I mistrust any person who seems too happy at once. I critic and I find most people annoying, I have a horrid sense of humour, to be true, since I make fun of people... but I also defend everyone and everything from everything and everyone else. I was born in a hero complex, along with a God complex...I must always be right, and I must always help those I find that are in need of help. I like being lonely and alone, and company is good... as long as it isn’t for a long period of time, or I will become frustarted and rude, and will disssmiss my company with harsh words. In all...I’m sweet,friendly,nice... as long as i’m not forced to speak or act against my will and beliefs... after that I’m mean,harsh, and I’m polite to the point of coldness making it obvious I’m simply being... polite. For it is not in my nature to be a people’s person... I have friends because I am funny... not sociable. I don’t find it rewarding to talk about feelings and crap, it makesme fragile and vunurble and I hate that...

And for a moment, I forgot all that... I forgot that I’m loenly and terrafied of being alone and nobody loving me. That I’m harsh and rude becaue I fear that if I let people in they will just desert me, like many times before... and that once I sense that that is happening I shut down. Because I’m fragile... and I talk about my self all the time... and I an’t help but laugh, because I know for a fact that I am a polite, honst and nice person...

I’m just not very sociable...I could say I’m shy... but the fact is that...

I just don’t like company.