Him and Her – and the date

HER

48 Hours before the night:

He called – he actually called! Must be a good sign if a man calls, right? She calls all her friends to boast, discussing the prices of getting a haircut and the best places for pedicures and manicures and bikini waxes and eyebrow plucking. She chatters until late at night until daddy threatens to wrap the phone cord around her throat. Makes a mental note to get a cordless phone, but then hunts down her mother and chats to her until 3am about how daddy, when he was young, stole a rose from a duke, but then had to run five miles and still to this day has corns. She finally goes to bed, but, - plagued by insomnia – gets up and starts raiding her wardrobe for a suitable outfit. Falls asleep amid piles of clothes.

30 Hours before the night:

Chucking a tantrum because of bags underneath eyes (“For Pete’s sake – where did THEY come from?”) and turns her makeup case inside out. Rushes out to the nearest pharmacy to buy eyeliner to suit her little bag. The pencil is 5 millimeters to big to fit, and so she decided to nip the tip with a knife – and stains her white pants, which she was planning to wear for the date. She goes out to get new pants, and on the way realizes that the ends of her hair are split. Drops into a hairdressing salon and pays double to get in before everyone else. While she’s there, she decides to get a perm and have her eyebrows plucked.

10 Hours before the night:

The bra actually doesn’t match the top! While applying mascara, she drops it and stains the new pair of pants. Steaming with fury, asks mother to borrow hers.

5 Hours before the night:

Washing herself, polishing teeth, flossing, exfoliating face. Lies in the bathtub in which there’s a 30cm thick layer of various bath salts, acids, medicinal herbs and lotions and aromatherapy whatnots. Plucks eyebrows again while smoking and puts the cigarette in wrong side first, coughs, splutters and cusses. Daddy ends up peeing into a bottle.

1 Hour before the night:

Gets her periods and stains her mother’s pants. Screaming and jumping around hysterically, grabs mother’s money and drives to nearest store and buys a skirt. Everyone makes sure to keep RIGHT out of the way.

10 Minutes before the date

She’s sitting at the bar tapping her fingernails, wondering why he hadn’t turned up yet. Surely if he cared enough he’d arrive early.

HIM

48 Hours before the night:

At the footy with his mates, discussing last night’s party and all the chicks there. Seems to remember a certain face but cannot for the life of him remember why it was significant. Forgets face instantly when kickoff starts, spends the next 90 minutes hooting, cheering and booing.

30 hours before the night

Is watching television, sprawled out on the sofa when a certain commercial causes some curious tightening of the pants around his crotch. In the process of removing pants, finds piece of paper in pocket with a name and a number. Remembers the face, but puts paper aside for a while…

10 Hours before the night:

Is eating curly fries and playing the PS2 with his mates. Time flies when you’re having fun…

5 hours before the night

Staring at a screen for so long sometimes makes him sleepy, and so goes to bed after mates are gone. Has a little fiddle under the blankets and falls asleep like a baby.

10 minutes before the night

Had found piece of paper with name and number and remembered face – 5 minutes ago. Is now rummaging through wardrobe looking for his pants. He finds a pair of jeans and ignores the unpleasant smell. Figures that having a shower would waste too much time and so puts said pants on, finds a shirt under his bed and leaves the room. Television catches attention and he takes his time putting shoes on. Shoelaces snap.

1 minute before the night

In K-Mart browsing for suitable shoelaces – must be logn and sturdy with a reasonable pricetag…

15 minutes after night

At the checkout buying suitable sturdy shoelaces with an so-so price.

30 minutes after date

Cursing the biatch for standing him up.