Have you ever wanted to be class president, rule America, or become the next Stalin? Do you feel as if every day your ideas are being wasted on unworthy subjects? If so, then this is the place for you. Sit back and learn “how to get elected”

Throughout the ages, many leaders have used different methods to get themselves into positions of power. Here we will explore the basic six; bribery, threats, promises, elimination of competition, rigged elections, and recounts.

So it’s the day before your chess club election, and you haven’t done a thing. Your speech isn’t ready, you haven’t campaigned, and really, nobody likes you. Well, you may not win a popularity contest, but thanks to bribery, you can win an election. Who doesn’t like to be paid for a little persuasive thinking?

Pass out things that you know your peers will love. Chocolate, markers, socks, or drugs are sure to win a vote. If you absolutely can’t think of anything else, or if you are bloody rich and can afford it, pass out money. Everyone loves the green.

When handing out bribes try not to offend the person you’re bribing, money can only go so far. For instance, if you said, “your mother is a fat cow and you smell like you haven’t bathed in weeks you pimply-faced odorous wart,” while simultaneously handing them socks, they probably won’t vote for you. After you’re elected, however, feel free to tell that loner kid in the corner that he’s fat. What’s he going to do about it anyway?

Another exquisite method for election is the use of threats. Most people vote for the candidate they like, or at least feel would do a good job. However, when put to the test, many would rather vote for you than feel intense pain. A few simple ideas for this are nuclear warfare, mass famines, torture, or, as many sci-fi writers like to do, send them to space without a space suit. KABLAM.

You’ll soon see that the public eye is blind to any faults you may have, and are enthusiastically cheering you on. So give a little nudge, or an outright push, and let the public know that if you don’t win, they won’t be feeling too good.

If after you are elected, you decide to blow up the world anyway, be sure not to hit Hawaii or the Bahamas. Simply send the residents and tourists to Siberia and detonate away. You can sip lemonade on the beach while watching the cute little tropical fish die in the radioactive ocean. Be sure to wear your RPF 9000, nobody likes radiation poisoning.

Just the opposite of threats are promises. If you’re the type who wants everybody to love you, at least until you get elected, then promises are definitely for you. Use expansive words like “parties, money, love, and immortality.” The general person may be skeptical at first, but remember to follow the old saying “louder and longer,” and eventually, everyone will come around.

For the not-so-aware of politics, such as the hog-dealer in Kansas named Bubba, keep your slogans faced on free doublewides and portable washing machines and you’ll have no trouble.

Of course, there’s no need to complete the promises you’ve made once you’re elected. If you feel the need to own up to anything you said you’d do, then run into the house and don’t come out until the compulsion passes. To do so would be catastrophic.

Actually giving people what you promised would lead to happiness, healthiness, and knowledge. A learned people are a dangerous people. Soon they would realize that you aren’t really doing any good and are instead loafing in your two-hundred room shack. That would lead to your death. Which is a road you probably want to avoid.

If you don’t really want to deal with the everyday people, and would rather win by default, then you most certainly need to eliminate your competition. Hire a gang of samurai to depose your opponent, or arrange for their dinner salad to accidentally contain cyanide. It may seem like a pretty gruesome way to go, but be assured, it’s a lot better for you.

Whatever you do, don’t allow anyone to suspect it was you. Have a convenient alibi, such as “I couldn’t have done that, I was in China murdering the Pope,” and be sure to back up your statement with support.

If your gang of hitmen fail, or your target doesn’t eat their salad, then you need to find an alternative. You may wish to be nice and simply send them off to Sicily for a permanent vacation. Don’t. They’ll come back later to haunt you, and when you’re running for office, you must not have any loose ends. If you truly feel you must be humanitarian, you may settle for an unnamed prison on an unnamed rock of an unnamed island. However, this should be reserved for exceedingly special cases, such as with family and friends. But they shouldn’t be running against you anyways.

One of the greatest examples of elimination of competition would have to be Fidel Castro. In truth, he combined all of these methods to ploy his way into power, but elimination of competition was the highest on the list. He killed off any who dared run against him, and once he was in power, held elections in which every opponent conveniently disappeared until he won by default. If you need inspiration, simply look towards Mr. Castro.

Rigged elections are a combination of bribery, threats, and promises all mixed into mush. They deal with bribing certain officials into looking the other way, threatening the weak and making promises to the bosses, all to insure that you win. They are much harder to pull off than the other methods, because they concern so much more intrigue and deception. However, if you are able to successfully install a rigged election, the payoff is certain. This has very little to do with the actual public, and more with the counters of the votes and the “higher-ups.”

In order to succeed in a rigged election, you need to make sure that everyone involved is trustworthy. Anyone who isn’t, well, eliminate them. Do this using a discreet method such as a gang of specially trained spider monkeys.

Once you’re into your position of power, eliminate all those people who helped you. Take back your bribes and enjoy your life.

When looking for a role model in the realm of recounts, you need look no farther than our very own United States. I am talking about, of course, George Bush and Al Gore.

If you want to win an election, simply pretend you’re George Bush and demand a recount until you win. If arguments arise over Florida, claim to be a natural Floridian and call them as your state.

Don’t tell the people that you didn’t really win the popular vote. They probably won’t like that. Tell them, instead, that you had an overwhelming amount of “electoral votes.” They’ll believe you. The public is dumb.

Now, if after you wish to tell the people that you really have no idea what you’re doing, don’t. You may want to run later. However, if you’ve already been elected for the last time, feel free to indulge in expensive wars and oil crises. It’ll be fun.

The main motto of a recount election is “it’s not over until you win.” If some opponent or so-called “expert” tells you that they have won, keep calling for a recount over various regions until the votes run in your favor.

So, there are the basic six methods of elections. Now that you’ve become your own specialists in politics, it’s time for all you big brothers and big sisters to get out there and get elected!