Holding onto yourself the best you can

The rain only suited the mood, fitting right in with the cold and harsh reality of the day they were all facing. Ice cold liquid stinging their arms, the wind whipping around them, blowing their combed hair into messy tangles.

Raindrops falling from soft petals and hitting the grass, making no sound as it did. Everything moving in slow motion, dragging out to add to the ongoing pain. Making it that much harder to bear.

Silence hanging over the crowd as they hung their heads towards the ground, staring with empty eyes at the earth that would be her final resting place. Hating themselves for this occurrence. Their minds all reeling a million times a minute, combing their memories, searching for anything that would’ve made a difference.

Hands laced together, hanging onto each other for dear life. Squeezing like they would break if they let go, they probably would. Heads rested on shoulders, tears running freely now as the music plays. Knees collapsing with the pressure of it all. Hands around waists, holding them back. Teeth biting down on lips, stopping the screams from letting loose. Words whispered into ears, trying to make them believe everything would be okay as she’s lowered into the earth.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

And almost on time, lightning flashed and thunder clapped violently overhead. Reflecting the inner emotions of the crowd there today. The rain lashes down harder then, but no one makes a move to get inside. Instead they all stand motionless, eyes empty looking at the whole in the ground.

A voice breaks out above them, shattering the silence. The voice is choked and cracked, barely recognisable as the man it was just last week.

His bottom lip quivers as he tries to force more words out, but he bites down on it, halting the tears desperate to fall.

He tells them that they should make a move to get inside, no use getting pneumonia. But they all were hoping that they would. Then they might be able to join her in the soil.

No body moved, not even he did. No body cared enough about themselves to. Not when they had just had to say goodbye.

Senses seemed to slow down, reduced to almost a stand still. A fly single fly, flying oh-so-slowly around the darkened room, the over-head lights, still swinging slightly from the force of her slam.

The sound of breaking glass in his broke him free. He looked down, a river of red free flowing onto the sofa underneath him and he waited for the searing pain. But none came. Only a screaming numbness washed over his body.

“It’s all going to be okay…” Another well-meaning voice in his ear, and a reassuring arm slung across his shoulders. He knew it didn’t mean anything; it was just another thing that people said at times like these. Just another thing that was supposed to ease the searing pain in his heart. But it didn’t, nothing could.

And as he lifted his head to look at whomever it was telling him this, nod slightly and say thank you. And they’d walk away from him. He could see that they knew it too. They could see the hollowness in his brown eyes and they knew. It wasn’t going to be “okay” now.

“Jesse…” He could hear Brian now, but he didn’t even raise his head. Instead he stayed completely motionless with his eyes fixed firmly to the carpeted floor below him, “You okay?”

He could’ve laughed at that. What was he supposed to say to that? Yeah, I’m fine. The best thing that ever happened to me is dead but I’m okay. Or tell the truth, and tell his best friend just how much it hurts. Tell him exactly how it feels to have the one thing you were holding onto ripped away from you. Just how much it fucking burns?

“Jesse, come on man…” There was a tiny hint of desperation in his voice now. “Laine… she wouldn’t want you like this.”

It was a cheap shot. Using her name like that. He didn’t get to use her name. Nobody did. Nobody except him, and he wasn’t even sure that he could anymore.

“None of us want you like this…” And he’d had enough of listening to him now. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t understand. He turned to face him; eyes hollow and face completely steady.

“I can’t do anything else Bri.” His voice void of any emotion, he almost didn’t recognise it as his. But it was, and that if he could feel anything other than the sting then it would’ve scared him.

And that’s when he turned to walk away. And Brian didn’t even try to stop him. Out of the door and back into the ice-sold rain. He knew where he was going, so did everyone else as they watched him with wide eyes. But no one tried to stop him.

“Leave it alone Jesse.” She wouldn’t look at him, as much as she could feel the itch of his un relenting gaze on her back, she wouldn’t turn around to look at him.

“Laine…” His hand was on her shoulder now. The burn of his touch almost stung. It wasn’t fair for him to do this to her. He didn’t have the right. He wasn’t supposed to be this caring.

“Jesse…”

And there it was. The collision of lips against each other. The soft caress of his hand on her cheek and the feeling of his warm breath playing across her face.

And she couldn’t fight him anymore, so she gave up. Gave in to him and let him take control of her.

“I’m sorry Lainey.”

And he was silent for a while, almost listening for a answer. Coming to him on the breath of a wind. But he knew it was stupid, she was dead right? And there’s no coming back from that.

His vision blurred and he clenched his fists tight at his sides, short nails digging hard into the calloused flesh of his palms.

“I’m so sorry.”