The Spiral

The silver moon swimming in the glittering sea of this night's sky. Its traces lighten the earth, painting the scenery in a surreal glow. Not a single sound can be heard, even the air seems to stand still. As if time itself had stopped. So beautiful. So calm. The soothing darkness gives us the chance to let our minds wander, farther than throughout the day. To discover new sides within ourselves. Yet, too much thinking will result into a spiral of worries. You won't be able to escape it, instead you'll continue drowning. In search for help, your hand reaches out. There has to be someone who can rescue you. But your desperate calls will remain unheard and after a time you give up. Your last piece of hope shatters into small pieces. And your hand falls back into its former place.

A sigh escapes my lips as I glance down towards my own hand. Its creamy surface is graced by rivers of liquid garnet. The crimson traces are the only touch of color in this place caught between the real and outer world. The thorns of the roses, the shards of the glass. Pieces of them are still caught within my skin. But, for some reason, I don't feel the pain they cause. My whole attention belongs to the aching heart of mine. It cries out in vain, like a lonely child. Once loved and cherished, now abandoned and hurt. I never wanted to believe that a single person can hurt you this much, so much that your life is worthless. Making you numb for any sign of emotion. The only thing you notice are the wounds of your heart. They won't heal, never since the day the one you loved left. I was left alone without a reason and I doubt my heart can heal this way. The reason, I have to know it.

Sinking onto the floor, I free my skin from the sharp pieces. They join the bigger shards on the floor, shimmering like a river from an unknown world. Crimson drops fall onto my white dress but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. During the time of innocence, you were told how dangerous love can be. You laughed, saying you won't be so stupid to give in so easily. Nor would you dedicate your life to a single person. A child's naivety. You grew and fell in love. The world seemed so wonderful and then, suddenly, it was destroyed. Leaving you with racing thoughts and a broken heart which will never be mend. Why did it happen to me? Am I the one to blame? No one is perfect but did I have too many flaws? Bathed by the moonlight, residing on a sharp carpet, my thoughts begin to rush down the spiral again. In the end I will only blame myself. I should hate him for what he has done but instead I turn it all around. Making myself the one who ended it all.

The crimson thickness is lightened by the salty substance. Tears are running down my face, silent as the night itself. An expression of the weak side of mine which I discovered recently. I always told myself that I'm strong, strong enough to survive this time without being an emotional wreck. How wrong I was. The feeling of loneliness cannot be erased by myself, someone else has to help me. But no one bothered to reach out for me. Taking my hand and drawing me away from the thin line between depression and happiness. Instead I could feel how the spiral took me down with it, to a point of no escape. My body stiffens as I scratch my skin with a shard on purpose. The new flowing river cannot bring back my emotions either. Looking up to the moon with my liquid eyes, I give a last silent cry for help. My soul is desperately longing for what it once had. There has to be a way to get it back.

Sitting here, with folded hands, I feel like a fallen angel. Pure white has been disgraced with drops of garnet. Innocence has been displaced by the touch of life. If I had known as a child how cruel love can be, I would have never fallen for its breathtaking beauty. Never. In the distance, footsteps are echoing through the halls. No limp of mine moves an inch. I know these steps way too well. They're heading towards me, their desperate sound matching my depression. A door is opened and the steps come to a halt. His breath of disbelief cuts through the air, sharply as the shards themselves. Deep inside of me, I can feel a certain emotion moving. The one which made me run into his arms ever so often. But it's over. No longer will I let myself being fooled by this illusion called love.

"What have you done?"
"Shouldn't I be the one to ask? Compared to what you did, this is nothing."
"Have you gone crazy?"

Good question. Maybe I really have gone crazy the moment he left. First I cried. Then I was angry. But after that a strange calmness followed. My well of emotions had run dry and a small fire of hope burnt inside of me. I could forget him, I truely believed I could. Until, all of a sudden, the carefully hidden depression broke free. The sadness and anger I had felt, they resulted into a hatred which made me destroy the vases with the roses. And the rivers of garnet began to flow.

"Maybe. But it's entirely your fault."
"Are you saying that it's only because I left?"
"Exactly. Yet, I have to thank you."

I don't have to turn around to know that he's raising his eyebrows in disbelief. His eyes are shining with confusion, pools in which one can drown. They made me fall for him even deeper. My emotions might have disappeared in a corner within my body but if I looked at him now I would be falling again. Helplessly. I should draw a final line under this chapter.

"You made me realize how foolish it is to love someone. To be left broken, all alone... for this ending it's certainly not worth it."
"Believe me or not, it wasn't easy for me either. I didn't want to leave."

Now I'm the one who's not believing her ears. His gentle voice telling me that he would have never left if he had another choice. Choice, what choice? Here I've been thinking he left me because he didn't need me anymore but in truth he didn't want to go?

"You... didn't?"
"No. I know that I'm a fool for giving you up just because they told me to. I should have never thought about it."
"And you call them your advisors."

I spit out the last word in disgust. These advisors of his had always been an obstacle in our relationship but I thought they could never cause any true harm. He had ignored them all the time so why should he change his mind. As much as I want to believe him, I can't. Not again. Or is it...

"They said it would be better for my career if I was single with no one special to care about. That might work for others but not in my case. It took me some time to realize but I could never leave you."

He crosses the distance between the two of us and kneels down in front of me. Feeling his breath, I realize that it seems like an eternity since we've been that close. Something inside of me is longing for his touch but there's no way that I could give in. Instead I look through his being with empty eyes. It can't be too late. There's still a possibility for me to forget him. I only have to ignore his voice, his face, his everything. These wounds won't be healed with his touch. They will only leave deep scars.

"I love you. More than my career or anything. I never wanted to hurt you that much. If I had known then I would have said it way sooner. I love you so."

His hands brush the wild strains out of my face and hold it gently. I can feel the emotions traveling back into my eyes. All my efforts to keep the numb feeling are in vain. His voice, his eyes. I can no longer avoid them. It's too late. I should have known that despite all rational thoughts it's impossible for me to hate him. He hurt me in both ways. My heart and soul. But any sign of hatred wasn't directed towards him but myself. Once I was his angel but now I'm a fallen being. Disgraced by the blood flowing down my skin. It's not difficult to hate the one you love. It's impossible.

"Can you forgive me? Despite all of this?"

The new side of mine which I discovered in the spiral was weakness. I'm not strong enough to do what I should be doing. Any rational thought is useless. Silently, I'm crying out for someone to give me the strength I'm missing. But it's too late. It has always been.

"I..."

Deep inside I had always known that only one person could rescue me from the spiral. I just didn't want to except it. Instead I reached out to anyone but him, falling deeper in process. Hating him is impossible. Every fibre of my being is longing for his touch, his voice, his smile. The wounds have been deep but they can mend. A lonely tear runs down my face, glittering in the moonlight.

"I love you. Just... don't leave me like this again."

In the surreal glow of the night, a flower is reborn. It will grow and bloom, with a beauty not from this world. Never leave me again. Stay by my side forever. Mend my broken heart, heal my wounds. Protect me from the spiral. And our love will survive the darkness.

Authors notes:

A oneshot about the pain of love. The fear to lose that special someone, the madness this fear is causing and how, even thought you try, you cannot let go of the person you love more than your own life despite the pain he/she caused.