disclaimer: i do not own the quotes from the 40-year-old-virgin.

---

v e r s t e h e n: prologue

---

Corbin’s thumb works at the circle button on his controller, his other thumb swiveling the joystick. Battle music tinkers through the speakers of the television in his bedroom, punctuated by occasional grunts and shouts from his game character as he slashes through the insect-like enemies. Beside him, Kelly says, “You're gay now?”

Corbin smiles. “No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.” He can’t remember how many times he and Kelly have watched The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Obviously enough times to memorize the dialogue.

“That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like, there's this, and then in a year it's like, ‘Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys’ and then there's the big, ‘Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now’,” Kelly says, watching Corbin hack through a horde of creepy skulking creatures. Stars and glowing cherry blossoms, rather than blood, explode in the wake of his attack.

Corbin’s thumb deviates and hits the triangle button multiple times before returning to the circle button. “You're gay for saying that.”

“Oh, I'm gay for saying that.”

“You know how I know you're gay?” Corbin asks, watching as the boss’s health points slowly decrease.

“How? How do you know I'm gay?”

“Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.” Corbin doesn’t even know what “macramé” means. He doubts Kelly does either.

“You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.” Kelly laughs at the statement while Corbin heals his character with a hi-potion.

“You know how I know that you're gay?”

“How? ‘Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?”

“You know how I know you're gay?” Corbin repeats predictably.

“How?”

“You like Coldplay.” Corbin and Kelly both know that that’s true for neither of them. A warning beep starts up, Corbin’s health bar flashing red, and he presses two buttons at once to heal himself with magic. The beep stops.

Corbin and Kelly sit laughing and smiling as Corbin kills off another few enemies.

Then, Corbin says, “You know how I know that you're gay?”

“How?” Kelly asks, though he already knows the answer.

“You like the movie Maid in Manhattan.”

“You know how I know you're gay?”

“How?”

“I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.”

Corbin makes a face, his blue-gray eyes always fixed on his video game. “You know how I know that you're gay?”

“How?”

“You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, ‘I like it when balls are in my face.’” Corbin laughs, anticipating what Kelly is to say next.

“That's gay?”

Corbin doesn’t answer. The boss’s life is almost gone. Just a few more whacks with his Keyblade. “Shit,” he hisses as his own health points plummet from one of the insect minions’ attacks.

“You know how I know you’re gay?”

Automatically, Corbin replies, “How?” while trying to heal his character. He’s out of potions, and his magic hasn’t recharged yet. Shitshitshitshitshit…

“Because you stare at Noel Eaton’s ass during football games.”

There is a flash and then a wounded cry from Corbin’s character as he’s struck with a fatal blow. Corbin sighs. “That’s not part of the dialogue,” he says, dropping his controller despondently.

Kelly leans back in his lime beanbag chair. “Nope.”

Corbin glowers at his friend and grabs the pillow next to him, chucking it at his friend’s red-haired head. Kelly’s hair is naturally orange, but he’d decided to color it a shade just shy of scarlet for some reason unknown to his friends. “Shut up, Kelly.”

Kelly raises his hands to defend himself against the pillowy assault, and catches it in his lap. He gives his best friend a devious smile and takes the controller. “My turn.”

---