|Run Away From Pigs That Fly
Author: Just-A-Little-Bit-Lost PM
I could tell you my name, but I'd have to kill you. Duh, duh, duh, duuuuuuh! P.S. I like pizza and balloons. [rated for mild language]Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 8,692 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 03-11-07 - Published: 09-19-06 - id: 2249418
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Pass the potatoes please." I asked Mrs. Jones, not looking up from my corn on the cob.
"We aren't having potatoes, dear." Mrs. Jones smiled at me and spoke in a voice that made me think she was talking to a retard.
I looked around the room. Nope, no retards in sight – Ooh! Maybe she can see mister magoo, just like me! I'm not delusional! This is amazing!
I leaned in really close to her. "Can you see him too?"
Ooh! Everyone can see him now!
"Erm… See who, hun?" Mrs. Jones was still smiling.
"MISTER MAGOO!!!!!" I'm serious, Gaboon Haboob can really turn such pretty colours!
"Please excuse my granddaughter, Agatha." Gaboon was smiling apologetically. "I'm afraid the horror moving we watched last night must have stuck with her. She'll calm down, won't you Margaret?" Ooh, Gaboon Haboob can be menacing.
"Golly gee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset anyone."
Gag me. This acting all sweet thing isn't working out for me. I need a way to distract myself.
No! Don't do it! You aren't thinking clearly! Try to think of the repercussions of your actions just this once!
Percussion? Why Boob, can you play the drums, that'll go great with your theme song.
What theme song? Why do I need a theme song.
Boobie, baby! You could be a star! And you know the theme song I'm talking about.
"Oh boob dude,
You are so very shrewd
You hop like a kangaroo.
Oh boob dude
I cannot sit and brood
Over you… my boob."
Gadoid Ichthyosaur Taboo Paganini Blewit Marjoram snorted into his peas.
Why the hell are they called peas?
Ooh! I know a good joke about peas!
I love jokes! How does it go?
Okay, so this guy loves peas, but one day, his doctor tells him that he's developed an allergic reaction to peas, and he can't have any for twenty year!
… That isn't very funny.
I'm not done! Anyway, so twenty years later, he walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter 'I haven't had a pea in twenty years.' And the waiter says 'those who can't swim, head for the chandeliers!'
… That still isn't very funny… Hey! Chandeliers! Did you know there was once a girl who's last name was Lere, and her parents named her Chanda?
I knew there was a girl who sued her parents because they named her Egon when her last name was Toast.
"Pardon me, dear?" Again with the deer, did I look like a deer to them?
"Oh yeah? Well you're a moose!"
Complete and total silence.
"Gadoid, can you pass the salt?"
"Who's Gadoid, Margaret?" Gaboon Haboob asked me through gritted teeth.
"He's sitting right there beside you. Don't tell me I imagined him up to! That would suck, next thing I know, people will say that Twinkle Toes was a figment of my imagination!"
"Me?" Gadoid asked, pointing to himself as though I wouldn't understand what 'me' meant.
"Me, pronoun, used by a speaker to refer to himself or herself as the object of a verb or preposition." Sometimes, it pays to have a practically permanent substitute for English class who doesn't know how to teach so just makes us read the dictionary.
"Margaret, why did you call Adrian Gadoid?" Gaboon Haboob asked me, she seemed to be getting very annoyed with me.
"Well, he was sitting behind us in church, right? And I was asking the guy beside me if he would let me die his hair green-"
"-like you do." Agatha added in a low voice to her husband.
"Of course!" I smiled genuinely at her. "I don't know why everyone else seems to think I'm insane when I do things like that, thank you for understanding."
"Anyway, so I'm asking this dude if I can die his hair green, and I hear someone laughing behind me. So I turn around and face GITPBM and say-"
"-hold up, who's GITPBM?"
"Guy In The Pew Behind Me."
"But I realize that I can't go around calling him GITPBM, so I came up with a word for each letter. Guy, Gadoid, In, Ichthyosaur, The, Taboo, Pew, Paganini, Behind, Blewit, Me, Marjoram."
"But why are you calling Adrian Gadoid?" Agatha still seemed confused. "Adrian didn't come to church today."
"Really?" I leaned forward, toward Gadoid (Adrian?) with interest. "Then where, pray tell, is your brother."
"Margaret!" Gaboon Haboob looked especially pale. "Adrian has no brother."
"He most certainly does! And if I'm not told this very instant, then I will firstly run around screaming my head off about those damn chandeliers, and then I will begin an investigation as to the missing Gadoid. After all, I haven't got anything better to do than search for a missing person."
The Jones, as well as Gaboon Haboob exchanged glances, but none of them said anything.
I cackled maniacally (holy guacemoly, batman! I just had an adverb describing my action! AM I AWESOME OR WHAT!?!). "I shall now begin the Polish inquisition!"
"I think you mean Spanish." Mr. Jones said. "It was the Spanish Inquisition that became most famous."
"And rightly so! It was a very big thingy, that whole Spinach Inquisition, but I think that it is so very cliché, I prefer to think outside the box!"
I was sent to my room! They had the nerve to send me to a room that they call my room when it isn't even really my room, at least I was able to hijack the black permanent marker.
I looked around, the comforter was about as decorated as I dared make it, so I decided to move onto the furniture.
All of the furniture.
Holy mother of a turnip sprout!
You're the holy mother of a turnip sprout?
No, Einstein! I meant what are you talking about?
But you just yelled 'Holy mother of a turnip sprout.'
That I did.
Any reason for such an outburst?
… Nope, I don't think so.
Good enough for me, I'm going back to my theme song.
You're using a theme song! That is such a good idea, why didn't I think of it?
You- you know what? I quit! I'm not even going to try to keep you partially sane right now, I need a break.
Ooh! Are you going to Antarctica?
Of all the possible places I could go vacationing, why would I go to Antarctica?
…They have penguins in Antarctica.
… OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! ANTARCTICA! HERE I COME!
…Boob... BOOB! DON'T LEAVE ME! I CAN CHANGE! I CAN MAKE MYSELF STRONGER! KEEP MYSELF SANE! IF ONLY YOU'D COME- is that a fly on the wall, good golly! Look at the size of that thing!
Oh! That's reeeeal nice! You care more about a fly than you do about me!
If you weren't in my head, I would hug you!
You better hug me anyway!
I wrapped my arms around my head in a vain attempt to hug Boob, who had, doubtless, already left for Antarctica.
And it just happened to be at that exact moment that Adrian crept into my room.
And saw me.
And came back.
And walked into my room to sit on my (wonderfully decorated) bed.
"Why are there ugly drawings all over your bed?" He asked.
"THEY MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT UGLY!" I shrieked.
"Sh-h!" He whispered loudly, which in my opinion ruins the whole point of whispering, waving his hands around like an idiot.
"O-okay!" I whispered in an equally loud voice, and waving my arms around in slow motion. Unfortunately, seeing as I was already at the edge of my bed leaning over to draw on my chair, waving my hands around threw me off balance and I fell off the bed.
Of course, being me, I just hopped right back up. And proceeded to fall back down again.
"I came to ask you to forget about the boy you saw at church today." Adrian whispered once I was standing up again.
"Okay." I lied.
"No. Probably not."
Adrian sighed. "Look, it's nothing important, he's just some guy we know."
"Wow! Way to be vague and pique my interest, dude!" I told him eagerly. "If he wasn't important, you could tell me who he is! Trust me, the truth has got to be less weird than anything my imagination could cook up."
"What would you think of?"
"Ooh! I bet he's your gay lover but then you realized that he was your long lost twin who was separated from you at birth, so you called it off, but he started to stalk you and now he's a disgrace so you came to talk to Gaboon Haboob for god knows what reason and decided it would be best to completely forget that he exists but you're really still secretly in love with him." I started to tear up. "Oh my god, I feel so sorry for you. It must be horrible to re-live your past like that! I'm sorry I brought it up!"
"Oh, gods, and now you're angry, I am so sorry! Give my love to Gadoid, even if you can't give your own-"
"I am not gay."
"Are you sure?"
"YES! Really really sure!"
"Well, you could've just said so to start with!" I told him, not understanding why he must make everything so complicated.
Maybe he's just weird.
But- but- but what about the penguins?
They're really not that amusing.
NOOOOO!!!!!! YOU'VE DESTROYED MY ENTIRE OUTLOOK ON LIFE!!!!!
Ya, that is pretty cool of you. Tell me more about your trip!
Well, I met up with some four-year-old boy's imaginary pet goldfish, named Fish, and Fish had already been in Antarctica for a few days, he helped me meet with a lot of penguins, all they do is slid around on their stomachs all day, and they totally ignore imaginary pets, not to mention discriminate against any other animal that comes near them. They are so arrogant!
I'm sorry, Boob! I made you go to Antarctica!
That's alright, I forgive you, but you better get all thoughts about penguins out of your head.
If there is one thing I have learned today, it is not to bash your head against a hard, cold wall. At least not in public.
"What are you doing?" Adrian asked as I whacked my head repeatedly.
"Damn penguins." I muttered over and over under my breath.
"Ya. Penguins, damn the stupid birds! They can't even fly!"
"Chickens can't fly." Adrian pointed out.
"Ya. But chickens lay eggs, they're cool."
"O-okay. Anyway, so do you want to learn about Ai- er- I mean, Gadoid or not?"
"I find that the true satisfaction of a mystery comes not from the answer, but from the lengths you go to in search of said answer."
"… did you just quote-"
"Yes, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm quite bored of black, and I think I'll go in search of the rare white marker." I adopted an Australian accent. "Ah! They'has a good 'un! Tha rare white peh'manet mah'ker! Careful! It's very poisonous!"
I went running out of my room, towards the staircase, where I had supposedly found this rare white permanent marker.
Adrian scratched his head and sighed, that girl was going to dig up some unpleasant secrets long-buried, it would have been so much simpler to just tell her the condensed story.
I've decided to just make a reply to all of my reviews right now:
Krizzie (reviews all packed together into one like a hot dog): 'wai' will definitely become one of Porridges new words in honour to my first reviewer!
Bluud-reign: okay, me think I already replied to you, but whatever, this is so cool, I always thought my word-association thingy was a total waste!
Karma-k2: do you ski? I actually know a lot of people named heather who got pissed off at me when they read the first chapter with Gaboon Haboob…
Val: was I lost? Brown-girl is confused… ah, peanuts, I'm always confused…
In the end I am broken: okay, before anyone goes to this profile and thinks I'm conceited, it's not me who wrote that, my friend found a document where I keep my passwords and logged onto my account… NOT MY FAULT!!!!!
Shadowcat86: … me thinks I like yours better… crap, man, you're gonna put me outta business…
CadiTheCanadian: I am going to choose to take that as a compliment, thanks so much, tootsie pop! POWER TO THE CANADIANS!!!!!!!!
Joker is Poker with a J: I think I already relied to you too, but of course Porridge is awesome, she is Porridge!!!!!! (ya know, I don't even like porridge…) Here is thine update, fair maiden. Ist thine heart at peace?
Clever Queen: How did I come up with it? Because I am you, the queen of the clever (honestly, it's all my sister's fault, she says something, and I misinterpret it and then mix up my words and lose my train of thought and… what was the question?
LittleOneOfDoom: Porridge is a mashed potato pie.
sapphire-shine89: 1) Becky, beck, beak, bird, egg, Omelet. (beck, not spelled right, is French for beak). 2) Holy Mother of a Turnip Sprout!!! I think we are identical twins separated at birth because you totally just described me (except when I get all emotional my eyes get really green, not blue…) 3) Wow, someone actually knew who Paganini is… even I didn't know who he was… 4) YAY! I'm Irish!!!! No, honestly, I am a quarter irish, a quarter scottish and half English…
HopelesslyRomantic92: me thinks you gots cut off… but thanks for reviewing!
Sorry for taking so long to update. I'm kinda wondering why this story is so popular all of a sudden, but hey, who's complaining?