Season of Darkness By: Christine Schnell Episode 4; Rest and Relaxation at Last

Chapter 20

Death. I knew it better than many. We were good friends by now, but it was a long distance relationship. He could be quite cold from time to time, not talking to you for years on end, then the next thing you know: he's there at your door wanting the intimacy back. Sometimes I would let him close to my heart, other times I pushed him away, but he always left me unsatisfied.

This time he left me empty and in the dark. I wanted him back. I begged for his return, but my cries could not reach into my grave. I was alone, utterly and completely alone.

Isn't this what I wanted? Isn't it the way I knew things were meant to be? And yet, reliving Beatrice's life told me it was possible to have something more. Of course I still didn't believe I could have it, but it gave me hope. Hope was the only light in my darkness.

I still couldn't move. I don't know how long I laid in that metal box down in the morgue; maybe a day, maybe a month. No one disturbed my slumber and still I hadn't gained enough strength to lift a finger against any potential food sources. No doubt once the autopsy was complete they'd toss me in an unmarked grave, buried there for eternity. It wasn't something I looked forward to.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel. No, no more philosophizing, and I was no more near death than you are. I mean a light did really appear in my dark hole. The door to the vault unsealed. My eyes would not open but I felt something, something familiar. A man no doubt, a human about to cut me open and dig around my entrails. Something else I didn't look forward to.

I felt a hand on my forehead and it seemed to brush my hair lovingly; a strange action for a coroner. I hoped I didn't get one of those freaks who took that job for more demented reasons. Yet I did feel something. I didn't want to believe what I felt, but to me... Love. My heart filled with it.

"Oh Toni, what did you do to yourself?" The voice broke through the darkness in my mind like a beam from heaven. I wouldn't allow my imagination to run away with itself, my insanity had to remain in check. He couldn't be here, he'd never been here for me before, he couldn't be here for me now. It wasn't possible for him to find me. I did everything to keep him from finding me.

Was that soft lips upon my lips? And that... Ow! A soft prick. Was that a needle in my arm? I felt life's essence enter my vein. I could only handle a drop at a time in my dried up veins but slowly I felt the first drop make its way to my heart, and I knew that door of hope had opened wide for me.

While the blood dripped into my body I felt my gurney bounce along through the hospital until it clanked into a vehicle. I don't know where that vehicle headed, nor did I care, for he sat there holding my crinkled, fire eaten hand.

We drove for a while before the blood took effect, before long I felt air filling my lungs and I coughed to remove the dead air and ash. My eyes felt as if they wanted to burst from my head but his strong hands held me and kept me from hurting myself. Not long after, my eyes opened, though everything was quite blurry.

Bram bent over me, I knew it was him from the moment I felt him, but it was pleasant to see his blurry form. I think he smiled but his voice was stern.

"Toni, don't you dare do that ever again." He gripped me hard by the arms. I barely could feel his strong fingers pressing into me. His cologne wafted into my nose. He smelled so good, much better than my decaying flesh. It was enough to send me into dreamland. His proximity alone made me feel cozy. He must have noticed my drifting, "Do you hear me?"

I could barely nod, I couldn't speak, and while I wanted to cry, my tears were all burnt out of me.

I couldn't feel anything from him or me; he was full of indiscernible emotions and I had none. However, I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I hated it. I've been stupid again, I did wrong, and I hurt him badly. I hate myself. Why did I do this? Why do I do things that hurt him? Hurting him is the last thing I ever want and it's all I do. My mind pleaded with him, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Oh God, I'm sorry." I couldn't live with those tears in his eyes they pained me so much. How he must hate me for what I did. I upset him too and I couldn't bear his anger towards me. I just wanted everything to be all right again. "I'm sorry." My coarse voice sounded sad even to me.

"Don't say it, Toni. I don't want to hear it. You're always sorry yet you still do things without thinking. Did you really think this was the answer?"

"Yes."

"It's not," he said sternly.

"Damn you, Bram!" I squeaked. I wanted to die, why did he save me and then give me a guilt trip about it?

"Let's not start this again." He held my hand as the ambulance bumped along.

Blood dripped through an IV into my arm. I started to regain a little strength, though it would be some time before I would be able to get up and move around. "How did you know? I blocked you out."

He smiled that irritatingly bright smile. "You know you can never completely block me. I knew what you were planning, even if I didn't know when or where."

"So how-"

"No one can read your mind 100% of the time. I try but most of the time it's just a soft connection. Believe me I went after you the moment I realized something was wrong. I knew you weren't in a good position, and you're right, I probably should have left you with someone. Then maybe you wouldn't have pulled this stunt. I tried, but you're too stubborn sometimes, and you would have found a way." I weakly squeezed his hand, he was right and I shouldn't blame him. I have only myself to blame for this stupid stunt.

He continued, "I calculated how far you could have gone in the time allotted, then I started probing people in those areas. I knew it would be an isolated area so I concentrated on hikers. I even sent out a message to Sheriff Jones to send a lookout for you, a small one since I didn't want to attract too much attention."

"Huh?"

"The King, he wanted to let you die. I couldn't."

"I love you," I told him; it was the truth.

"I love you too." Like that all was forgiven between us.

"She wouldn't have died you know," Urquhart spoke for the first time. I hadn't even realized we weren't alone in the cabin.

"I know," Bram confirmed.

"Then why did you say the King-"

"You know as well as I do that he was going to send someone tonight to finish her while she was weak. He still can. That's why we're not going straight home."

"Great, and then the King will have all our heads when we get back," I mumbled, my lips felt like two big cotton balls.

"No, he won't," Urquhart said boldly.

"Why not?"

"Don't worry about that." Bram began brushing what was left of my hair. He was right, it wasn't something to worry about now. I was happy, happier than I had been in a long time. I hadn't died. I was saved by an angel. I had been through hell but he brought me salvation. I didn't want to die, not really. I just wanted to be with Bram and now I was.

"God!" He drew me into his arms. It hurt, but I didn't care. "I can't bare to lose you again." His voice shook. My mind wasn't right, but I could feel his concern, his heart ache, and his sadness. "You're too precious to me. I can't live without you again. Do you understand that? I'm not leaving you. I'm still here. I'll always be here." And I believed him.

I was so tired and he insisted on giving me a sedative. "Don't push yourself," he told me as he did so. "Sleep, and when you wake we will be together."

***

When my head cleared of fuzzy sleep I tried to make out where I was. It wasn't home, it wasn't a hospital, it looked like generic beige walls typical to nearly every hotel I've stayed in.

"She's waking up," someone whispered.

"Hey," Bram filled my vision and I tried to smile but couldn't. A light flashed on in the room and I swear I felt my skin burning.

"No!" I tried to hide my face from the sun.

"Toni, it's okay. Turn off the light," he spoke to someone else. "It's not the sun, honey, shhhh..." He held me softly as if he were afraid to break me. The sun set quickly again and the room grew dark. I felt cooler instantly, and wished I could curl up into his arms and cry, but I could only curl up, which was enough for now. "It's okay, you're safe now," he said in a hushed voice while pulling the cover up to my chin.

"It's not safe, never safe. Why am I still alive?"

"Shhh... You are safe, no more sun, no more danger from those trying to kill you."

"No more Velren?"

"No, no more Velren."

"What's a Velren?" I heard Carey ask from somewhere far away.

"I am here for you, my darling, my life. I always will be," Bram whispered in my ear.

"No, you weren't there, you came, but too late, always too late." I pushed him away with a weak hand.

"I'm sorry I was late, but I am here. I came for you."

"Bram, am I really this important to you? Why'd you come all this way for me?"

"How much drugs did you give her, Carey?"

"Enough to put you and Keir out for a week. She's rejecting more than expected." Carey adjusted the IV, and his sandy blonde bangs drooped down as he did so.

"I'm just a burden to you. I'm not important enough to save. You're just doing this to use me against the King, you want me to fulfill the prophecy so you can have his power, you don't really love me." I tried to spit some of the cotton balls out of my mouth, only to find it empty.

"Stop being paranoid, Toni."

"It's not paranoia, it's reality." The room seemed quite fuzzy, but I still felt I was thinking straight. It made sense after all, no vampire did anything just for love; it wasn't in them. He hadn't come this quickly to save me before, so he must have had a reason this time. I needed to know the truth; I was so confused. "It's just since becoming a vampire you don't seem… I don't know, to share things with me as much or as interested in spending time with me. You're always off... conspiring. I don't matter... My life doesn't matter. I'm nothing.

"I've ruined your life, I've ruined my life. Hell, I can't even do the duties I was assigned on this earth for right. I've failed at everything. I've failed at life.

"I am not even alive, Bram. I'm living but I can't even think for myself. Even as a vampire my actions and thoughts are controlled by others. My life has no meaning. This is not how I want to live. I can't live."

"I know, I know," Bram listened then tried to console me. "I've made similar mistakes too. I've hurt people and I don't mean biting them. If I were to kill myself for each time I've hurt someone, especially you, I'd be dead a hundred times already. But I'm here for you now, baby." He hugged me and rocked me. "I'm fixing it, everything will be better."

"When? It hasn't gotten better. It's never going to get better." I sobbed. He held me tight but didn't answer. I knew the answer. "Don't pretend, I need the truth, you don't really love me do you?" I felt anger growing within him, or at least irritation at my persistence and paranoia, and he fought to keep from yelling at me with all my insecurities.

"Toni, I love you as much now, if not more, as the day we first met." He kissed my charred fingertips, he could be so corny sometimes, but right now it wasn't pacifying.

"Then why are you always gone?" I asked as I grappled with the darkness pushing at my eyelids.

"You make things much more complicated than they really are. You know the King always sends me away."

"And why sleep with those sluts?" I felt the heaviness of sleep coming on me and his next words were the last thing I heard for sometime, still I did not believe them.

"Toni... You are the only one I love." I felt it was the truth, but still I was in denial.

I leaned into him more, yet he disappeared from me.

"I don't feel anything. Life is so empty. I wish they had something to take the numbing away."

"Time." He squeezed me closer to him.

"I'm so tired, Bram. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep forever."

***

I slept and only darkness filled my mind in that time. No dreams invaded my peace, no Velren, and no past lives; it was bliss. I have no idea how long I was out; days perhaps, but I know when I woke my body was healed and my mind a little clearer. Bram slept practically on top of me, and I welcomed his warm heaviness. The room, as I suspected earlier, was some typical hotel room, no different from any other. I wondered if were still in Colorado, or somewhere else. I supposed it didn't matter much as long as I was safely pinned under Bram.

"You're awake?" Carey asked as if I might be sleeping with my eyes open. I nodded, mindful not to make much noise and wake Bram. "Good, I'll take your vitals then we can think about taking you off of this drip." He pointed to the bag of medicine hanging beside the bed. "You should have some fresh blood as soon as you can manage."

I didn't care, for all I cared, I could fall back to sleep and just enjoy the coziness I felt at that moment. It didn't occur to me that not long before I had been pushing him away, that I hated myself and my life. Now, I enjoyed it, not with new zeal, but just as it was; comfortable. No, my mind hadn't healed completely, I still thought my life reeked, but I was willing to accept I had to live it, and as long as Bram was there I figured it wouldn't be so bad.

I could feel the sun's radiation beating through the curtains and window shade. I wanted to hide, but I knew it would not hurt me as they took every precaution to design a shade just for our hotel stays that would keep out the sunlight. I fell in and out of warm consciousness over the next few hours never letting go of my man. Eventually the cool night air seeped through the walls and Bram roused.

"Morning, sleepyhead." I kissed his forehead.

"Good morning, you look rather refreshed."

"I feel much better," I told him and it wasn't a complete lie. "Where's Urquhart?"

"He's out," Carey said as he took the IV off me. "I'll go and find something to eat," he told Bram after he packed some things up.

"You should eat too," Bram murmured as he kissed my palm.

"But I just had the IV."

"That was medicine to help heal you. We stopped giving you blood a while ago. Now drink." He held his wrist before me.

"I thought that's what Carey is here for." I pushed his arm down, it's not that I didn't want his blood, but I didn't want him wasting it on me.

"He is here to take care of you, and yes, if that includes feeding you he will, however, I want my blood to make you stronger."

I sighed as I leaned into him. It was a good point. I examined his hand in mine, knowing he was right. I ran my finger up and down his vein. Slowly, after some deliberation, I pulled it up to my lips, his skin stretched tightly over his muscles and his veins were clearly visible, I could see the blood pulsing through them and smell it too. The extension of my teeth came so naturally now I didn't even think about it and the puncturing of the skin was so smooth he didn't even wince.

The blood, warm and tasty dripped onto my tongue. I'd nearly forgotten how good he tasted, so unlike others. My heart beat faster as it pushed the new blood through my body and his heart raced to pump it out. I felt him against me, the heat of him, the passion tingling inside him. Why is it the first thing men think of is sex? I can't talk much, as my body energized with vampire blood I became quite amorous, but I didn't want to stop drinking.

His free hand snaked through my hair sending tingles from head to toe. His lips upon my forehead were bliss.

"Stop, baby," he whispered in my ear. I didn't want to and I don't think he wanted me to either, as I felt his eyes appreciating my body and his fingers trailing them. He moaned softly as I suckled his arm. "Stop, so I can kiss those red lips of yours." His mouth caressed my earlobe and the pleasure of it forced me to stop. I kept my lips on his arm as my whole body hummed from his touch. Every nerve in my body felt alive as they called for more. My tongue tingled as his blood touched it and I licked the remaining blood from his arm before I moved out of his comfortable cradle.

He watched me curiously since he must have known what I was feeling as I climbed over him and straddled him. I looked down upon him, with his silly grin, and I admired him; the hard jaw line, the beautifully sculptured cheeks, even his sleep tousled hair made him look ruggedly handsome.

The darkness gave his face shadows that softened his features and made him more beautiful to look at. I knelt there above him just staring while he ran his nails down my back. His pale skin felt warm under me and goose bumps rose where my fingers played.

His eyes, however, were the most powerful thing and as they met mine, they dragged me down into them. I leaned in closer as if it were so natural for us to be so close we'd become one. When our lips did meet, I felt woozy and wondered if it was the rush of new blood, or his incredible kiss that did it.

"You came to save me." I gave him another deep, sensuous kiss. His nails dug into my sides as he gripped me hard, and it just about put me over the edge.

"I will breathe life into you. Our entire life is a dream and you are my only reality," his mind spoke to me and we became lost in our passion.

***

He brought me to the edge of passion many times that night, and we slept through the next day and night. Finally, when we satisfied our hunger for each other, and the hunger for blood took over, we gave way to another natural instinct. Carey fed us both and now slept peacefully. I sat watching Bram as he carefully covered him. I had the sudden urge to see him with our son in such a fashion.

I don't know why the thought struck me, I mean, I've never wanted children before. It's such a silly wish, especially now, that I can't have kids. Yet, I imagined him holding our son proudly and playing with him in the goofy way he has at times. I wondered why I never felt this way with him before. I've been with Bram for sometime and never had this desire, why now?

Bram bent down fiddling with something on the other side of the bed and my mind imagined him lifting our baby from the ground, instead he lifted my baby: a rectangular, gray object that I knew too well.

"Here."

"What's this?" I asked skeptically, not touching it, and not wanting to believe what I was seeing.

"In light of recent events, we figured you needed a more creative outlet of your anger and frustration."

"I'm allowed to write again?" I squealed. He nodded and didn't get a chance to say a thing before I flung my arms around his neck.

"Haha, don't thank me, thank Keir." He held it high, teasingly.

"Yeah, whatever." I bounced happily trying to snatch it. No more supervised writes. I could put whatever words I wanted on paper. It thrilled me to no end. "This is too good to be true." I tried to see what was real in his thoughts. It all seemed to be second hand information, how could I trust it.

"He feels bad, he knew he was out of control."

"Then why didn't he stop?" I huffed no longer trying to grab the laptop.

"You know him, and you know how it is to feel out of control." I recalled the taste of his blood on my tongue. Yes, I knew.

"But is he not angry at me about..."

"He believes it might help you."

"He thought the opposite before, and it didn't help much a few years ago. I still tried to commit suicide."

"This time it will be different, I'm sure." He smiled slyly. "Vilify Keir in a story. Kill him in ten ways. Use it as an outlet more than you ever have."

I laughed for the first time in I don't know how long. He began to hand me the laptop again.

"Now," he snatched it away tauntingly and I wanted to kick his shin, "You have to promise that you won't abuse this privilege and will be good."

I held my hand up in mocking a boy scout's promise. "I swear I won't use it to come up with new ways to commit suicide."

He eyed me and knew that my sarcasm only went so far, and that I was serious otherwise. After all, I saw no way short of hiring a hunter to kill myself, so I had to be content with what I had. Slowly he handed me the laptop and kissed me on the cheek.

"That's a good girl."

***

I wrote for more than a week straight pausing only to sleep. I didn't leave that room. Of course, part of the reason was that a late season snow storm blew in. I wasn't about to go out in that white crap.

Bram and I drank from Carey lightly. I hated doing it, he was a good guy, but I had little choice. Bram wanted me to live, so what else could I do? I had to remain alive for him.

Urquhart disappeared for days at a time. Lord knows what he was doing. All in all, it was quite satisfying.

Yet, I couldn't take it anymore, it was almost too quite, too peaceful, too good to be true, so one day I finally got up the nerve to ask; "When are you taking me back?"

He looked at me as if I spoke Esperanto. "We're not going back, at least for a while."

"What?!"

"There's some things the King wishes us to do here."

"Oh," I said, disappointment evident in my voice. The King still had an iron clad grip on us.

"But in the meantime we're free to do as we please." He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pressed his lips to the nape of my neck. I hummed in pleasure

A knock at the door interrupted the mood and Urquhart walked in before we could send him away with a thought.

"Am I interrupting anything?" he asked with all the innocence of a teenage boy.

"Yes," we replied in unison.

"Good. I come baring gifts." He held up a postal box and my anticipation rose, after all, Bram gave me a good present recently, I couldn't imagine what he might have.

"What's this? Another laptop?"

"Something to help stabilize your mood, based upon the drug we used to give you."

"Oh." My excitement abated, but a new curiosity popped up, and this time it was laced with paranoia. "Based on? Who'd you use as the guinea pig for this? Poor Jacques? Punishing him for helping me, though he didn't even know what I was doing?"

He raised an eyebrow and though I saw Kenneth getting an injection in Urquhart's mind he said, "You think Jacques is crazy?"

"I've heard stories. And don't you go using Kenneth or anyone else for that matter. If you want to test something, test me!" I nearly knocked the box out of his hands.

"Calm down. We did not use anyone as a guinea pig. You've heard stories about talking wolves and mice. Do you believe those as well?" I really didn't want to answer that. After learning vampires were real, you begin to question everything. He chuckled. "Hm… Well I suppose some animals talk in their own way. Jacques would tell you they do. However, do not believe everything you hear, or as you see in people's minds.

"He's not insane, he is just a gifted reader, he can read nearly anyone's mind anywhere, and sort them out. He just can't transmit. Most vampires can only sense his presence and maybe his surface thoughts. Some can't read him at all."

I wasn't going to tell him I've had a conversation with him. Then it finally dawned on me: they still thought I was insane. So much for freedom and relaxation.

"This will help you relax."

"You ever think I don't want to be drugged?"

"Toni, please understand, this isn't a choice," Bram pleaded with me, "it's either this or the King has you assassinated for disobeying him."

The word "assassinated" triggered something in my mind, and I knew who the King's assassin was, I couldn't let him go through that. Bram would be tortured for another life or two. Which reminded me about my last life, when he did kill me. How hard that must have been on him.

"Fine, give me the damn drug." I rolled up my sleeve offering my arm to him. Urquhart opened the box fiddled inside then placed a small pill in my hand. "Oh, that's less painful," I said and tossed the pill in my mouth.

I felt no immediate effects. I didn't expect to as I never noticed before when the doc gave me drugs without my knowledge. I returned to my laptop staring at it, my writing mood gone, and my mind filled with other thoughts.

"Bram?"

"Hmm?"

"What was it like, watching me die?"

I felt him stiffen, (I suppose it wasn't the best question to ask right after a suicide attack) and in the corner of my eye exchange glances with Urquhart who shrugged as if saying he didn't have an opinion.

"I don't think you really want-"

"He pouted for nearly a decade after, didn't nutrivi for a month, and he would have killed to get you back," Urquhart said unflappably.

"That is not what happened," Bram scowled at him and I felt flames building inside him.

"What? It's what she wants to hear."

"Look, that's not what I meant. He's lived so long, watched me die before, and he knows things about me, more than I know myself." Except, I realized it was only what I wanted to hear, there were more to those words than he's telling, but then nearly everything Urquhart says has more meaning than he lets on. He's kind of like Velren in that respect, which led me on a different route as I didn't want to torture Bram with this anymore.

"Did you know Beatrice Langhorne?"

"The name isn't familiar," Urquhart said quickly. Bram on the other hand hesitated.

"I should have brought the book."

"Why?"

"Her name is in there, I believe." Now it was Urquhart's turn to scorn Bram, but he didn't do so openly. I felt his indignation though. Why would he want to keep it from me? I myself was hiding things and gave a different response than even I expected.

"God, I was hoping you wouldn't say that."

"Why?"

"She had a horrible life," I lied. I didn't want to tell him that if she was real, that meant Velren was real, and I didn't want him to be real. If he was just a part of my insane wandering mind, he was harmless. If he wasn't... Someone was out to kill me. "I was kind of hoping the whole past life thing was just a bad dream. I mean they literally are bad dreams. Every time I have a dream about a past life, I die in it, and usually from a vampire. It's really far too coincidental, so I'm hoping it's just some reoccurring nightmare."

"Then your whole life is a nightmare," Urquhart said with a smirk.

"Don't I know it," I said under my breath.

"Why do I only remember deaths? Why can't I remember happier times? This dream with Beatrice, I know she had happy moments in her life, but the only things that stick out are the bad ones."

"It is not coincidence." Urquhart surprised both Bram and me by saying this. Of course he didn't continue. He was worse than Velren.

"Well?"

"What? You want me to tell you everything and leave nothing for you to experience?"

"Yes," I blurted.

"Where's the fun in that?"

"Look, I've had a rough time, just tell me or I'll have to kill you." I must have channeled Keir just then, for his eyes widened and he stiffened some.

"Yes, my Queen." I eyed him queerly at the address but let it drop. "It's just the way the mind works. Is that sufficient? It shows us only that which we need to know."

"Okay, then what about some of the crazy dreams people have, like flying?"

"Dreams are symbolic, and flying can represent a number of things."

"Okay, Freud, what about the whole theory that dreams are needed to relax the mind, give a person peace. Wouldn't that mean I'd have some kind of peaceful dreams about past lives?"

"Not necessarily, dreams can create relaxation in a person by relieving them of their darkest thoughts. By dreaming them, they relieve the subconscious mind of that pressure. They allow emotional release and warn the dreamer of a psychological imbalance in their lives."

"You're just blowing all this out your ass." Bram suppressed a giggle at my euphemism. I eyed him and he knew I'd maim him too if I had to.

"Not at all, this comes from years of research and-"

"Forget it." I waved him off. I don't even know why I was arguing with him.

"And some of the highest authorities in the psychological field..." He kept going on and I tuned him out until I realized something.

"You're trying to distract me. What are you distracting me from?" I tried to recall what we were talking about but it wasn't coming to me. Had he erased my memory too? Why are they always trying to hide things from me? I stared at my computer hoping my mind would get back on track. He thankfully stopped talking when he realized I stopped listening. I brooded for quite some time as I tried to work the anger out of me instead of exploding or trying to kill myself from the futility of it all.

"You're the only one who's going to die here today," Heremon said as he took another step closer to me. I looked around as if I'd dropped a sword, as he slinked closer I knew there wasn't much I could do. I lifted my fists, ready to punch him if he took another step closer.

I think we all know what the outcome of that life would be so I consciously forced myself to think of something else; I had to get my mind off the past. Yet the only thing I could think about was Heremon coming at me and Velren's words: "It's hopeless."

He was right, or rather my mind was right; it had to all be in my head. It's hopeless to try to wrap my head around all this, because it doesn't matter; none of it is real. Velren was never there. The dreams of my past life were only those: dreams. My mind is not stable, they'd proved that, especially by giving me more drugs, obviously they know I'm not thinking straight. Just because they're playing along and telling me what they think I want to hear, does not make it real.

Or at least I tried to convince myself of all this. There had to be some logical explanation why my mind produced these hallucinations.

Heremon wiped the blood away from his mouth. "Don't think for a second that we're done here." He turned his back on me and walked away then all faded to black.

Finally, I could take no more and blurted. "I don't believe a word of it. It's all bs. Reincarnation, nightmares, all of it."

Bram had been polishing the sword, obviously he'd been to the sight where I failed to die, and put it down when I spoke. "What's wrong, Toni? You seemed fine with this before. Why the change?"

"I was never really okay. I just accepted it because I had to, because why not, everything else was real. But if this is real..."

"What?" Bram asked and at that time I saw Velren standing over me with the sword in hand. It sent chills through my spine.

"Velren?" Urquhart asked.

Had I actually thought his name? Or did Urquhart recognize him? I tried to read him to find out, but it was no use. Why did people block me out on the simple things, making them not so simple anymore? Maybe he heard me thinking about him previously and just now associated the name with the face? What was it about him that was triggering my defense mechanisms and paranoia? Maybe he was too similar to Velren.

"You know him?" I asked.

"No, I just thought I heard the name before." Urquhart went back to his book, but yet again it pricked my senses, and I knew he held something back, especially since Bram put up his own shields to keep me from probing him.

"Look, I'm tired of the lies, okay, I've been through a lot, and I think I deserve something more than this!" I huffed and kicked the table leg.

"Toni, you know how it is-"

"If you told me you'd have to kill me?"

"That's pretty much it, yes." Bram smirked as he knew me well, he knew his smile and sly words could win me over, and he'd be right.

"Fine, but just don't lie, just tell me you know but can't tell, you know how my paranoia is."

"Yeah, but it's more fun this way," Urquhart said. I wanted to slap him.

"Let it go, Urquhart. Now, Toni, yes, your past lives are real I'm afraid, and yes, you've had some bad ones, but let's make this one a good one okay?" He lifted my chin so I'd look up into his dark, endless eyes. "I will make this a good one if you let me."

I felt so close to him, not just physically, but spiritually. I wanted to believe him, and to remain connected with him forever, just like this.

"Can we please turn the heat down in here?

"Jealous?" Bram winked at him.

"Sick actually."

I sighed and gave into his weak stomach. "Can you tell me more about Eilis, Renate, Beatrice, or any of them really."

"I think you know more about them than I do."

"But you were with Eilis."

"Not much to tell, honey, she was a lot like you: strong headed but sweet, a beautiful woman." His voice grew softer with each word and he leaned in closer to me.

"Not again," Urquhart muttered. "Look, you want to know about your other lives?" This completely distracted me from Bram.

"Yes, please."

"Most were murderers. If they weren't they probably would be or have children that became one. Your line is not an honorable one and it's probably best that it ends with you."

"Come on, most were provoked, look at Renate, a vampire tried to kill her family...," I trailed off as the memory came back to me: Heremon as my husband and speaking in German. I might have killed vampires in that life, but he betrayed our family. Our children. Our children survived, and Heremon was sent to Germany to deal with family issues? His family? Our family? I especially didn't want to believe this was real. "Why was Heremon sent back to Bremen?"

"What?" Urquhart didn't make the connection, but Bram seemed to.

"You sent him there," he said obviously trying to distract me, and it worked.

"No... The Queen sent him. I was only the messenger... And the broach..." I placed my hand where it should have been, where it was in the dream. I hadn't really paid attention to it, such a small detail, something Renate didn't even think about. Maybe it had even been blocked out of my mind, but that was why it caught my eye when Kama told me where to look for a present for the Queen. Perhaps that was the real reason behind the Queen's recognition of it. That was the Queen standing above me about to kill me in Germany, and he was my... No, I could never have been married to that son of a bitch.

"Now, Toni, don't get angry." Bram tried to pull me into a hug. I wasn't angry... yet. I had to figure this out. If Heremon was sent back to Germany to check on his descendants, were those my ancestors too? But I can't be his descendant as I am Bram's. I came from my maternal grandmother's side. Eilis was my mom's aunt. The German in my blood is from my other side; it can't be from him. Urquhart seemed to know what I was thinking.

"Yes, but there is a line on your father's side as well, we saw this many years ago and that's why we've been watching you," Urquhart provided. Finally, some answers. "Your family lines are beginning to merge, that is why I believe you are the one and the prophecy is preparing to fulfill itself."

"You better as hell not tell me I'm destined to be with Heremon."

Both he and Bram laughed, and I still couldn't tell if that was good or bad.

"I don't think you even loved him in that life. No, sweety, you're destined to be with me." Bram did pull me into a hug this time and I didn't resist. It gave me comfort.

"Whom else am I descended from?" They were purposefully quiet, I didn't expect anything different, but I did get a bit of an answer from an unexpected source. Al's fatherly face looked down on me holding me as a baby. No, not Al, but a man who looked exactly like him. "Yer me lil' flower, D'Arcy." No wonder he always seemed like a father to me; he was in another time and place.

I sighed, trying again to straighten this all out. If I was meant to be with Bram, why wasn't I in each life, and what about in-between?

"Okay, if I'm to believe all this, which I'm still finding hard to believe, then what happens to me in-between reincarnations?"

"I really have no idea," Bram said. I looked to Urquhart and he shrugged. "You're the one who could tell us. He nor I have experienced it as far as we know."

"Oh great. So I'm the only one who's been reincarnated?"

"I didn't say that; other's have been. Whether they remember their past lives or not, I don't know, and I doubt they'll remember the in-between anymore than you do."

I sighed. It was so frustrating. "Great, so it's probably like I'm there waiting for years and years, floating in nothingness or something?"

"I'm sorry. No one knows what happens in the hereafter."

"So what does it all matter? Why do I get these memories? Why can't I just die and have peace and not have to keep going through all this over and over?"

"Well, you know some believe the prophecy is why you're here. I like to believe you keep coming back for me," Bram said. "I don't believe in much of anything anymore, not even God, because of what I've seen you go through. I'm afraid I don't think souls go to heaven or hell. You'll keep coming back until you achieve your final goal."

"And what happens then."

"Peace," he said with such a wistful look that I believed him, and knew we would find it together one day.

"Can you two get any cornier?" Urquhart asked annoyed.

"Sure we can," I looked up into Bram's eyes with love, "It's not just memories, I dream of you; you are a dream."

He leaned his forehead against mine. "We share our dreams."

"Mmm... Remember that one dream we had, Mr. Vampire? It was beautiful in a strange sort of way." I kissed him lightly.

"Can't wait to have another." He ran his fingers through my hair and was about to kiss me when Urquhart's ears perked at our conversation.

"You shared a dream?"

Bram nodded.

"At the same time?"

"Yes," I said not sure what he was getting at.

"How many times has this happened?"

"Once, as far as I know, but we don't always discuss it."

"Bram?" Bram shrugged his shoulders.

"As far as I know only the one."

"When did you have it? Before or after your subortus?"

"Long before," Bram replied.

"I think even before we knew I could read minds."

"It was fairly early in your stay here," Bram confirmed.

"And you did not mention this to me before?" He directed the question at Bram, but seemed more rhetorical. "It is peculiar. Tell me about it."

So we described the dream, the running down the hill, floating in space and especially the last line "Death is only a matter of perspective, is it not Mr. Vampire?"

"I believe you've shared a vision."

"What?" I'd had enough with prophecies and all, and I found this quite preposterous. It was a dream and nothing more.

"I've studied prophecies for hundreds of years, I think I'd know one when I heard it."

"That's ridiculous!" I spat.

"Not necessarily. As I said earlier, the mind shows us that which we need to know, sometimes it's tuned into different frequencies, like you can read certain minds where other's can't. There's a possibility, it can read other times. This may well be a prophecy, and it may or may not be related to the King's prophecy, but I believe you've seen something out of sequence."

"Wait, you're telling me I can time travel?"

"Not exactly. Time is not as linear as we believe, true. However, we can not physically travel through time except in one direction." I wasn't about to tell him about Velren, that would blow his mind and his theory. "Since it's not quite linear we ride it like waves, we go up and down on it, while on the apex, as if we were on a hill, we can see things we otherwise could not see. Your mind may have the ability to see other peaks. Or in layman's terms, your unconscious mind is more observant than you and can see things coming that you don't. At least that is my theory. I will of course need time to analyze it before I can give you its full meaning."

"And the King is able to do this as well?"

"I believe so."

"Why isn't the King killing you now for telling me this?"

Urquhart smirked. "Because he didn't know about it."

"How-"

"Toni, don't you think that's enough for one day?" Bram dragged my arm towards the bed. "My brain is aching from all of these theories being tossed around."

There was so much more I wanted to know, but somehow I had a feeling the King too would stop me from asking anymore.

"So I can see the past, and the future. Why do I have so much trouble with the present?"

"Look, honey, there's only one thing the past is good for: learning from it. Look to the past to gain confidence in yourself, that's all. Only look to the future as a goal. You had good lives, you were strong, are strong, and we'll get through this together."

"Oh Bram, you always know how to make me feel good," I laid it on thick to show him I could have confidence.

"Ugh, I think I'll go out and let you two have a little time alone." Urquhart picked up his book and left. Bram and I then broke out into laughter.

***

Bram stood arms crossed, and leaned on the doorway to the bathroom. What was it with him and that pose? I found it so sexy. He looked down at me with a wry grin, as if he just ate a canary, and maybe he had. "Come on, aren't you getting cabin fever? Let's go out on the town."

"I'm fine," I mumbled as I typed, he was throwing off my rhythm.

"You need to see what it's really like to be a vampire. Feel the blood inside you. It will give you life again."

"You know what I feel like?" I finally closed the laptop knowing he wasn't going to let this rest.

"What?" He leaned in close, and I smelt his minty fresh toothpaste breath.

"A nice... Big..." His eyes grew with anticipation. "Juicy..." He licked his lips. "Steak."

His shoulders fell. "Oh."

"Come on, if we're gonna go out, take me to an elegant restaurant." I pulled his collar closer to me and put my mouth against his ear. I didn't speak but I gave him some interesting images to ruminate in his mind and motivate him to take me where I wanted. I then blew very softly in his ear.

"Ah hell, who needs to go out anyway." He tugged on my hand towards the bed.

"Bram!" I laughed. "You don't get the reward if you don't earn it."

He stopped mid step and gave me that puppy dog look. I returned it.

***

The restaurant was not busy, for 11pm at night was not a popular time to eat dinner. However, some exclusive places stayed open late for certain guests, and Bram can be quite persuasive. The atmosphere was perfect: the low ambient light with soft music, even for my now sensitive ears, played in the background.

At Bram's bidding the tall, elegant looking sommelier brought us their finest deep red wine. When he brought it back, Bram tested it with the air of a fine wine connoisseur and deemed it acceptable.

A placable garcon approached delicately to inquire if we'd made our decision.

"I'd like the large porterhouse, medium."

"Very good, madam, and would you like-"

"You want it rare," Bram warned.

"I like mine medium."

"Not anymore you don't."

"Fine, medium rare please."

"Potato, madam?"

I shrugged; I hadn't thought about it. "Baked, I suppose."

"And you, sir?"

"I'll take the prime rib, extra rare, and no sides for me please."

"Yes, sir, a fine choice." You'd think they'd learn some new phrases in the higher end waiter courses. Neither of us touched our salads when they came. Bram only had a taste for blood. Me? I just wanted a good heavy steak.

"Do you think Urquhart's full of it? I mean: we couldn't have had a prophetic vision could we?"

"Anything's possible, haven't you learnt that yet?"

"It's just so... I don't know. I wish this was all a dream, or someone else's life I was living and I'd wake up."

"I know, but enjoy it while you're here. Live for the present." He took my hand and squeezed it. "Live for me."

I smiled, but didn't answer for a while, then eventually asked, "Do you think we've had other shared dreams? I mean I've dreamt about you from time to time."

"I think it's fairly possible; I've dreamt of you too. While it's possible he's right, it's also possible that it's just our strong connection to each other. Let's keep ourselves open to any possibility."

"True." I stared at our hands for a few moments, so different, yet just right. Mine fit just squarely inside his.

"How about we keep a journal of our dreams and compare them from time to time?"

"Okay," I revitalized as he knew I would at any mention of writing related activities.

The garcon placed my plate before me and I relished in the deep meaty scent. My mouth watered as I grabbed my steak knife. Bram watched me with what seemed to be sadistic interest. I hadn't eaten much meat since becoming a vampire, and unfortunately I've had no steak until now. Bram and Keir both had warned me to keep to simple fruits, and vegetables, nothing that would upset my system too much. So I looked forward to carving the beautiful brown slab of meat up into little pieces.

As I sliced into the tender meat, juices poured out and the pink center looked very inviting. I placed the first bite upon my tongue. It about melted in my mouth and I expected the heady beef flavor, but received a bit of a chalky taste, as if the steak was cooked to be well done. I chewed slowly, feeling it in my mouth as a wonderfully cooked medium rare steak, but the flavor just didn't coincide with that. It still tasted like beef, just not as good as I expected.

"It's the blood," Bram said as he watched me with his chin on his hand. "We can taste the searing much more than humans, that's the chalky taste, but that doesn't account for it not tasting right. While there's not much blood left in the muscles, cooking it destroys what there is and our taste buds don't seem to like that. Don't even think about trying blood pudding."

"I never did while I was human," I said and took another bite of the steak while scowling. Bram cut a good size piece of the prime rib and placed it on my plate. I hesitantly tasted it and my eyes lit up. This was closer to the taste I remembered. The juiciness played on my tongue and I wanted it to last forever. My own steak remained on my plate forgotten.

***

Bram walked backwards watching me walk. He displayed a playful smile. "Admit it, that wasn't as good as you thought it would be."

"Fine. Sure, it could have been better."

"And you're still hungry."

I rolled my eyes. He was a predator by nature after all..., and so was I. I couldn't deny the ache in my heart for fresh blood pumping through it, and the thought of going back and feeding off Carey just didn't appeal to me.

"Then can we pleeeeeaaaase go hunting?" His childish nature won me over and I solemnly nodded. He literally jumped for joy. "Yes! Come on, I know the perfect place."

Apparently we weren't in Colorado anymore, we'd traveled East while I slept. Chicago's nightlife certainly hustled and bustled. Most of the snow had melted but the cold night still bit my skin. Thankfully we had each other to keep the other warm. The people of the city seemed to think this was warm weather after that snow storm. After midnight, people of all kinds strolled and trolled the streets. A couple of prostitutes solicited both Bram and myself, but neither of us were in the mood for that type of meal.

We headed for what seemed to be the most popular club in the city. There was a line that roamed around the block. Bram's smile and a bit of mind numbing gained us access through the VIP line.

The music was loud, which I hated, the room was so crowded you had to push your way anywhere, which I hated, but I was starving so I held on tight to Bram's hand as he forced a path through the crowd. His mind spoke to me since there was no way I'd hear him speak, even with increased hearing.

"Just help me find the right one, I'll do the rest."

Finding a single person in that crowd was worse than finding a needle in a haystack even with a long, dark thread attached to it.

Bram liked to inspire me. It was as if I was his personal reincarnation device. He was living his life over again through me. Not that this was a bad thing, but sometimes I'd wished he hadn't tried so hard. He danced through the crowd as if he were a teenager again, and it certainly made me feel young. His energy flowed through me and I felt playful so I began to dance as well. I never danced, and it was only because of him that I felt like it now.

He bumped and grinded with others and I didn't mind since I did too. I know he did for another reason though, he was testing them, seeing which might be a good pick.

It wasn't Bram who found her. I just about knocked the drink out of her hands, like the klutz I am, not that she wasn't already unstable, as she bent to place the half empty drink on the table, she lost her balance and I caught her. She wore all black with metal studs, stereotypically Goth with the black lipstick and all. Her mind was easy to read in this state and I could tell she'd taste delicious with the diet she kept, and most importantly that she was alone tonight.

"Thanks." She straightened herself out and checked me out. For some reason this wasn't what I expected, she wasn't sizing me up to see if I'd be good in bed, but like Bram looked as he appraised the wine at dinner. She seemed to be a food critic evaluating her next meal. "Hi, I'm Jocelyn, and I'm a vampire."

Bram and I exchanged looks and smiled.

---

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please send me any comments you might have, good or bad. Copyrighted 2009 by Christine Schnell. Go ahead and share it with others just keep my name with it.