The Random Factor

By

Lizzy Tears

Fact: 99 percent of people will never see their best friend morph into another creature.

Fact: Our galaxy is one of thousands of millions floating around in the universe.

Fact: There are life forms in these galaxies and not all of them are friendly.

Fact: My best friend is one of them.

It actually started with a mundane game of “beat-up-the-young-kids”, our usual afternoon activity. This innocent past time spiralled out of control, though, when suddenly Runcorn – my best mate – threw me to the ground and rolled on top of me. So I told him immediately, straight out, that I wasn’t into that. When he didn’t move, I repeated it, louder, beginning to get slightly alarmed that my best mate was turning into a fairy under my nose. I didn’t notice the miniscule blue dots flying above me and bucked underneath him, beginning to panic. I breathed in again, about to start protesting as loudly as I could when Runcorn shoved his hand into my mouth and dragged me off the street and into an alleyway.

“Help!” I yelled the moment my mouth was free, “I’m being kidnapped!”

“Shut up.” Runcorn said and glared at me.

“You shut up.” I shot back, massaging my jaw. “What the hell was that all about?”

“Not here.” He told me with a suspicious glance to the sides and the next thing I knew we were squashed into his closet.

It was a very tight fit. We were sitting with our backs pressed up against either side of the wardrobe, our knees pressed tightly together in front of us and Runcorn’s shirts and trousers falling constantly in our faces.

“Whatever this is,” I muttered through a mouthful of school blazer, “It had better be good.”

“Oh, it is.” Runcorn assured me and leant forwards with a look that said he was about to tell me

everything. Despite myself, I was curious. Runcorn’s eyes glittered in the light from the cracks around the door and I held my breath.

“I’m an alien.” He whispered. I laughed. I had to.

“You are not an alien.” I told him.

“Yes, I am.” He replied, “And I will show you.”

We crawled out of the dark closet and into Runcorn’s room, where he meticulously closed the curtains, stoppered the light leaking from under the door and unplugged his phone. Standing before me with his hands clasped behind him like we were taught in primary school, he started his story. Apparently he was a war weapon from a galaxy so far away we humans don’t know it exists. The leader of his race brought him here to hide until his abilities could be utilised against the enemy. Apparently today the baddies had succeeded in finding him and now he was in trouble.

“I’m sorry to have brought you into this.” He told me sadly, looking at the floor. “But now we must go into further hiding. They will know you; your face, your scent, your aura. They will track you unless you stay with me and let me protect you. I’m sorry, Charlie.”

“Hey, wait, what?” I demanded, backing away from him. “I’m not being conned into your wild scheme! This has nothing to do with me. You’ve gone insane, that’s what, like Auntie Lav, slavering and doodling and living in a world of your own. I’m having none of it, none! I’m outta here!”

I turned for the door, but Runcorn was somehow already there, his face unusually blank and unforgiving and unnervingly close to mine.

“I’m afraid, you can’t, Charlie.” He said softly. “Come here.”

Runcorn didn’t look like he was going to move, so I stepped carefully away from him. I kept my eyes trained on his face; I didn’t want to miss a thing that would let me get away from him. Runcorn followed me until we were back in the middle of the room and then he stopped.

“Watch.” He commanded and I did, deciding that the best way to get out of this was to play along. I concentrated on Runcorn’s face, wondering what I was supposed to be seeing. Nothing appeared to be happening, until I finally saw what I was missing.

Runcorn’s face was beginning to tear around the edges, like material ripped apart. It spread like dye on filter paper, completely consuming first the rim of his face, then his neck, his shoulders, arms, waist, legs, until he looked like a cardboard cut out. Then it began to shatter, and he reached up to peel away the pieces. He looked as though he was shelling a boiled egg, with the pieces cracking and falling to the floor as he worked. I stood in horror as finally, he stood in front of me, cracked, cut and … female?

My eyes widened as I realised I was staring at the familiar face of my best friend … with high cheekbones and pert lips, a rosy colour in his cheeks, long hair and smooth, unblemished skin. It was like Runcorn only … feminine.

I screamed.

A second later, Runcorn’s hand (so much smaller than before) was in my mouth, muffling my fright.

“Shut up!” He … she … it hissed in my ear. “Do you want to be found and captured?”

I waited a moment without struggling or making a noise and finally Runcorn let me go.

“So I’m not gay!” I blurted in surprised relief and then in the next breath, “Dude, you have boobs!”

Runcorn glared at me, but didn’t move as I slowly reached forward and, with trembling fingers, poked at the squishy growths where Runcorn’s flat chest normally sat. Yep, they were breasts all right. I gained a bit more confidence and let a bit more of my hand roam these new developments.

“That’s enough!” Runcorn snapped a moment later and I decided I had to admit that my best mate was definitely female. “We have to move, now.”

I didn’t have a chance to argue, because a moment later, I was crunching through the remains of my best mate and following my new best friend down the hallway.

To my disappointment, Runcorn resumed his male persona all the way to the space station. She said it was better because people did what she said when she was male. I had to accept that as true, because I didn’t know what it was like to be female. Thank God.

The space station aka Runcorn’s ship, was exactly like a space ship. Green, though. Everything was green. I decided to give these aliens my mother’s interior designer’s business card; they truly needed it.

After being herded around the ship like cattle, I was alone with Runcorn and a silence fell over us; I had to ask.

“Can I see them again?”

I guess I forgot Runcorn was really female, because I was really shocked by the stinging slap.

“I was just asking!” I said defensively and went to sit in a corner.

“What do you mean, ‘you’re not gay’.” Runcorn demanded a second later.

“I guess it means I’m in love with you and have never been able to figure out why,” I said sulkily. “Because I am definitely NOT GAY!”

“Apparently not.” Runcorn observed with her hands on her hips … or his hands on his hips. Oh man, I was going to have issues later on. I realised, a few moments later, that I had just told Runcorn I loved him. Her, her.

“Uh …” I said awkwardly, standing up and fidgeting with my hands. “Can you … change back to you so I can kiss you?”

Again, the unexpected slap. She must have been suppressing female urges for years, I realised.

“Isn’t my male self good enough for you anymore?” Runcorn demanded and then threw me against the wall and kissed me. When she let me go I stood in dazed amazement for a moment. I was in love with a he/she … in an entirely new way.

Just wait till I told the boys.

Our perfect moment was ruined, though, by the arrival of Runcorn’s enemies. I turned from Runcorn and immediately screamed in terror as electric blue blobby things appeared at the window. I didn’t know what they were, but they had gun things and that was enough for me. Runcorn grabbed my hand and we ran. I was dizzy and tired before we were through the first lot of twists and turns, but Runcorn dragged me unerringly on. At least I was holding her hand, which was made a lot better by the fact she had dropped her male façade somewhere along the way.

“Oh, fucking screw this!” Runcorn growled a few corridors later, proving to me that she was still the same person I knew before, just with boobs. Nice boobs. I didn’t have a chance to think about Runcorn’s boobs though, because without warning, I was swept up by a crazy wave of randomness.

I was a duck … a sheep … a cow … a building … the President … a daffodil … a glacier … my Mum … my sister … for a second I was even Runcorn, and that was scarier than even my sister. Finally it settled down and I was back with Runcorn in the corridor, but the blue blobby things were now spoons.

“Wow!” I said limply, and felt Runcorn grab me under the arms to hold me upright. “What the hell was that?”

“Me.” She answered simply. “I’m the Random Factor.”

“See, that’s what I love about you.” I told her sleepily. “Even when you answer you don’t answer at all.”

She smiled and kissed my ear.

“Later.” She said and then shoved me forward.

Well, duh, we won the intergalactic war, of course. The blue blobby things are earthling illiterate apparently, and wouldn’t let a prisoner of war write down their history. Can’t say I blame them, what can there be to write about blue blobby things? Runcorn’s aliens are surprisingly like humans, actually, only green. Which does explain the space ship, but is still going to be weird when Runcorn and me have babies.

Right now, Runcorn is in consultation with the leader of her species and I’m writing this down because I want to remember everything that happened. I’m a hero among aliens now.

Just wait till I tell the boys.