DEMON-O’S

“Part of your daily balanced breakfast”

Cereal 1: The Totem Seal! A Cereal-Killer is born!--

By Bleu Ciel

I—+—I

WARNING: This story has been made due to the lack of sleep, stress, loss of unnamed innumerable body parts, and the false rotation of the Earth. In other words, this story has been made in a moment of madness. If you are offended by meaningless things due to an inconsiderate lack of text and creativity, keep reading anyway. If you are just naturally offended, then… well, just read.

Also, I will consider this a parody (although it’s NOT!), so I can stealthily avoid getting sued for using copywrited cereal-names that have been dubiously changed.

PS: I have NO IDEA what “dubiously” means (or even know if it’s a real word).

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Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess with locks of gold. No, that is not a spelling error, and it really is locks (not lochs). Why? Because she’s trapped in the tower with golden locks (see?). Seriously folks, let’s get back on track.

Anywho, this beau-u-u-tiful princess was trapped hi-i-i-gh above in a pointy dark tower by an e-e-e-vil sorcerer with ma-a-a-gic powers (that’s getting annoying isn’t it?)

There is a legend though, that one day, a cha-a-a-rming prince will come and save the day, rescue the princess, slay the dragon (that I did not previously mention, but it’s an e-e-e-vil dragon), defeat the evil sorcerer, marry the princess, rule the land, and have many spoiled children…

That story, of course, has absolutely NOTHING to do with this one.

I—+—I

It was an average day for Daichi Nori, an average student living in an average neighborhood with an average life. Getting up from his average bed, he walks down the average stairs from his average second floor room (that is also average)… to eat his average breakfast in their average kitchen.

Sitting on their kitchen table (which you should assume by now is average), Daichi notices a note sitting precariously (I have NO IDEA what that means) on the tabletop.

“My parents (also average) already left,” Daichi murmured averagely, half asleep. Like most average rebellious teens, Daichi was lazy and stupid… and didn’t want to go to school. Having no choice in the matter as he was forced by evil overlords (which noted, don’t really exist), Daichi sighs and yawns his way sleepily towards the cereal cabinet to get his everyday morning meal, the “Alpha-Brick” cereal.

Yawningly, he opens the cupboard (cabinet, whatever), and…

…AND SUDDENLY!! (I bet you expected that), a giant demon dog made of bricks came out of his cereal box and attacked him! GRWAFHAHRHAFRHGGGNAHH!!

“Holy daily farm creamer!” Daichi exclaimed as the ferocious demon-y version of “Alfonso the Mail-Dog” tore through his kitchen with sharp fangs of brick.

“What the…? Why the heck is the cereal mascot attacking me!? And where did it come from? When am I going to get to eat my freakin’ cereal!?” As the questions added up from his otherwise average day, Daichi did his best to evade a rabid brick-induced death.

“It’s A-B-C-Death-licious!” growled the demonic cereal dog.

“Hey, that’s the Alpha-Brick catchphrase! Well, except for the “death” part, I mean…” Daichi ran from the deviled beast all throughout his house, but that only made the damage worse. Although he was scared out of his pants, he was strangely calm and even had the time to make stupid comments.

“Oh, man! I’m about to be eaten by the Alpha-mail… dog!” Daichi sighs as he continued to run, saying, “Crap, I still have that nasty habit of making bad puns when I’m at a near-death experience…”

Running out of things to hide behind in, Daichi’s desperate but ridiculous attempt at fleeing (didn’t even think of using the door) led him back to his ruined kitchen.

With nowhere to run, Daichi takes a deep breath and speaks his last words. “Oh man, I’m about to become a nutritious part of this beast’s breakfast… Well, I’ve always wanted to die a heroic death: eaten by a deranged evil cereal mascot that seemingly came out from my daily breakfast cereal—”

“--What the heck am I sayin’!? SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE!!”

Suddenly, another beam of light came from the cereal cabinet (if I did not mention that there was a beam of light before… well, I am now).

From inside the cabinet, another cereal box glowed. From it, a strange voice spoke. “Human child… to fight this beast, I will give you a weapon that will reflect your inner strength!”

With those words, the beam of light moved towards Daichi, and formed a giant staff-like weapon that seemed to emit endless power.

Daichi was silent for a few moments. “…It’s a giant plastic spoon.”

“Well, I said it reflects what inner strength you have. Sadly, your strongest emotion is being scared.”

“How does a spoon reflect my being a coward!? And how the heck am I supposed to fight with a giant spoon!?”

“It was supposed to be a fork, but I guess I couldn’t find enough inner strength.”

“YOU COULDN’T FIND ANY MORE INNER STRENGTH!?”

“Yep. To be honest, I can find better inner strength from rabbits. At least with them, the spoon will be metal instead of plastic.”

“Dangit!” Daichi replied as the devil maildog got tired of that little cutscene and decided to attack again. “What the cow am I supposed to do!? Spoon it to death!?”

“That would be your best option.”

“Whatever,” Daichi replied groaningly as he turned back to face the deviled cereal mascot. “I’m already late for school. Might as well stay alive too!”

As if the plastic spoon had given him an uncanny new strength (which really it didn’t), Daichi leaped into the air right above ol’ Alfonso.

“Eat this, brick fiend! – !Umaryuchi-zuha!” he exclaimed as he swung the plastic spoon downwards with all his strength, smashing it down on the brick-dog demon’s head with all the force one could give with a giant plastic spoon.

As the energy emitted by the spoon dissipates, so does Alfonso the maildog cereal mascot. Breathing a sigh of relief, Daichi falls down on the ground from exhaustion. “Whooh!… My first battle against a real life devil cereal mascot… I can’t believe that sentence even made sense…”

“Congratulations!” greeted the voice from inside the cereal cupboard. With yet another estranged beam of light, a little sliver of energy releases from one of the cereal boxes. The energy ball finds its way in front of Daichi and takes the form of another familiar cereal mascot…

“Heeheehee! My name’s Twikee the cute little bunny! I hope we’ll be friends!”

“You almost got me killed by making me fight a ravenous demon brick-beast.”

“Like I said, I hope we’ll be friends!”

“Haaah…” Daichi sighed. “…What are you anyway?”

“Heeheehee!”

“Stop doing that. It’s too cute.”

“Silly little nilly! I’m a Totem!”

“…A Totem?” Daichi asked with curiosity (which might not last too long due to a low attention span).

“That’s right!” Twikee continued. “All cereal mascots are actually Totems – kingdom spirits – that were sealed into your breakfast food by the earliest cereal makers.”

“WHY THE HECK DID THEY DO THAT!?”

“Apart from making the cereal more delicious and appealing,” Twikee explained, “Totems are the guardians of departed food. During a course of time, the bond of the “cereal seal” to the real world weakens and a Sealant must be assigned to seal them back into the seal-eal boxes.”

“A “Sealant”? “Seal-eal” boxes? I’m talking to a talking cereal rabbit mascot?”

“Get over it, silly nilly!” Twikee giggled adorably. “Using my otherworldly abilities – and since you were the closest person available at the given time, you now have been assigned as your planet’s protector of all threats from aggressive Totems!”

“…Daichi Nori, you are now the Sealant known as the Cereal-Killer!”

Daichi was stunned for a moment. “…Do you make bad puns when you have a near-death experience too?”

To be continued… if the writer is not taken to a mental institute by then. ROFFLES!

I—+—I

NEXT CHAPTER: Daichi goes back to school, somewhat accepting the role of Cereal-Killer with Twikee as his typically loyal-companion-that-stays-on-the-sidelines-without-getting-hurt-but-you-don’t-care-because-he’s-so-cute-to-get-hurt-anyway (whew!). A wide array of new characters is introduced (about 2 or 3 actually), and the next Totem is about to be unleashed… right there in the school cafeteria!

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WHAT IS REVEALED ABOUT THE CHARACTERS IN THIS CHAPTER

Daichi Nori

1. His last name is a type of Japanese food

2. Average

3. Makes dumb puns during near-death experiences

4. Appointed as the Sealant “Cereal-Killer”

Twikee the Cute Lil Bunny Mascot

1. Has a wide array of nicknames, usually has the word “cute” on it

2. A Totem from an unmentioned cereal

3. Also makes bad puns (not necessarily during near-death)

4. Appointed the Cereal-Killer

5. Is cute

TERMINOLOGY

1. Sealant – as the term implies, it seals stuff. In the real world, sealants are not for sealing spirits, but sealing roof holes and drainage leaks.

2. Seal-eal boxes – a bad pun. It’s like “cereal boxes” but with the word “seal” on it, because it’s a pun to the sealing Sealants have to do. Get it? It’s funny! ROFFLES!

3. Umaryuchi-zuha – Daichi’s attack move. This attack has no intricacies, but it actually means “horse dragon cheese edge.”

I—+—I

Author’s Note: How was that? Random, right? You feel happy now, right? Are you feeling the love? The cuteness? The all-powerful adorable giggles by cute bunny mascots?… Good! Please review and eat a balanced breakfast! Seriously.