Red Ticker Tape

Officer Holden and Officer Dale poke around a bloody crime scene in a restaurant while they wait for the medics to arrive.

Holden:
All I can feel is this rotten apprehensiveness about the whole situation- I mean any human being evolved enough to walk upright would say the same. All I can smell is death.

Dale:
Then pinch your nose Holden- and open your goddamn eyes.

Holden:
They’re open- but I might as well have red ticker tape wrapped around them.

Dale:
Look I don’t have the time or patience to deal with a goddamn hemophobic.

Holden:
Hemo-what?

Dale:
Hemophobic- you dumb fuck.

Holden:
I’m anything but that.

Dale:
Well for fucks sake you don’t act like it.

Holden:
As a matter of fact I’m the complete opposite.

Dale:
That so?

Holden:
Yeah that’s so. Why would you take me for such a fucking freak anyway?

Dale:
What’s freakish about being a Hemophobic- most pantywaists are.

Holden:
Your calling me a-

Dale:
Pantywaist- that’s right.

Holden:
I’d say the most fucked up people are.

Dale:
What the fuck are you talking about?

Holden:
Hemophobics- what the fuck have we been talking about?

Dale:
Ok Mr. Steven fuck Hawking- lets hear your Webster’s definition of a hemophobic.

Holden:
A crazy fuck who gets off at the sight of blood.

Dale:
What?

Holden:
You know- when they’re fucking they like to cut themselves and shit- turns them on.

Dale:
You have got to be-

Holden:
What? You’re saying I’m wrong?

Dale:
I’m saying a fuck-load more than that kid-

Holden:
Something wrong with my definition?

Dale:
Try everything.

Holden:
OK grease ball- lets here then- enlighten me.

Dale:
Jesus Christ you’re a dumb fuck

Holden:
You keep flapping your lips but I’m not hearing what I want to hear.

Dale:
What? You mean you don’t want hear about the air floating around in that chunk of meat you so casually refer to as your head?

Holden:
You like to talk in circles.

Dale:
Better than talking in zig-zags.

Holden:
And just what the fuck do you mean by that?

Dale:
Let it drift kid- radio the medics and check they’re status.

Holden:
What’s the point- if they would have gotten held up by the Corleone brothers I’m sure they would have radioed- and you know what I think? I think you’re stalling because you don’t even know the answer to your own goddamn question.

Dale:
Let’s not muddy the lake kid- I asked you the fucking question.

Holden:
Yeah- and I threw it right back in your face.

Dale:
Right- making it your question.

Holden:
Just because I racketed back your question doesn’t make it mine.

Dale:
Well if it came out of your mouth-

Holden:
Look- it doesn’t fucking matter who’s question it is- the only thing that matters is what fucking question it is.

Dale:
So officer Holden is an expert in semantics now?

Holden:
So Officer Holden continues to dodge the question?

Dale:
OK kid- remind me one more time- what is the fucking question?

Holden:
Don’t fuck around- you know the question.

Dale:
For our purposes here- let’s say I don’t remember the question and I need you to remind me.

Holden:
Just what kind of fucking game are you playing?

Dale:
Now my memory isn’t what it used to be- but I’m pretty sure that’s not the question

Holden:
You’re real fucking funny-

Dale:
And you’re real fucking stupid.

Holden:
The question is this-

Dale:
All ears.

Holden:
Just what the fuck is you’re definition of a hemophobic?

Dale:
Hmm.

Holden:
Not so quick with those snappy cracks are you now old man?

Dale:
Alright- I got my answer-

Holden:
Alright- spit.

Dale:
But first- what was you’re definition again?

Holden:
You need to quit fucking around Dale-

Dale:
Wait- I think I remember.

Holden:
Remember what?

Dale:
You’re definition-

Holden:
For fucks sake- why repeat it?

Dale:
Because I want that stupid fucking thing to hang in the air so that when I tell you how it is- and what a hemophobic really is- I want you to feel as much like a fucking dunce as possible.

Holden:
Alright smart guy- spit it!

Dale:A hemophobic- you dumb motherfucker- is someone who pisses themselves at the sight of-

Holden:
Huh?

Dale:
Red ticker tape.

The ambulance siren wails in close proximity. Dale shines his flashlight on Holden and smiles.

Dale:
Medics are here- look sharp kid.

-end-