Lighter Sex

Tom, a lonely guy- sits a booth in a smoky bar across from a pretty brunette girl he just met named Maggie. They are both smoking.

Maggie:
Do you know what lighter sex is?

Tom:
Excuse me?

Maggie:
There’s no excuse for you.

Tom:
What do mean?

Maggie:
That was a joke.

Tom:
Which?

Maggie:
What do you mean which?

Tom:
The uh- lighter sex or the no excuse.

Maggie:
Give me your lighter

Tom:
My cigarette lighter?

Maggie:
No, you’re crack lighter.

Tom:
I don’t-

Maggie:
Or did you kick that habit?

Tom:
What- smoking?

Maggie:
Crack.

Tom:
Oh- no I don’t do drugs.

Maggie:
You don’t consider smoking a drug?

Tom:
Not cigarettes, no.

Maggie:
You know, I heard that cigarettes are more addictive than heroin.

Tom:
You heard- or you know from experience?

Maggie:
Fuck you.

Tom:
I don’t think you can afford me.

Maggie:
That’s cute- give me you’re cigarette lighter please.

Tom fishes his white cigarette lighter out his pocket and puts it on the table between them.

Maggie:
Oh God- don’t you have another one?

Tom:
What’s wrong with this one?

Maggie:
It’s white.

Tom:
So?

Maggie:
White lighters are bad luck.

Tom:
Why do you say that?

Maggie:
I don’t say that- it’s just a fact.

Tom:
Says who?

Maggie:
Google it when you get home- nothing good can come from using a white lighter. This one time I was in the bathroom and used a white lighter to light a cigarette and about- three drags in, I flick the ashes on the floor beside the toilet- but guess what happened-

Tom:
I can only imagine.

Maggie:
The ember came off the end and landed on the seat- I now have a scar on my inner thigh that should be a beacon to smokers everywhere never to use white lighters- in fact- I suggest you get rid of this one right now.

Maggie scoops up the lighter and throws it over her shoulder.

Tom:
I feel better already.

Maggie:
You should- now do you have another lighter?

Tom:
Why do you need my lighter again- don’t you have one?

Maggie:
Oh you’re observant. Yes I have one- but I need one of yours to show you what lighter sex is.

Tom:
I see.

Tom reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a black cigarette lighter- he puts it on the table between them.

Tom:
If you say that a black lighter is bad luck I’ll leave the table- because I won’t tolerate racism.

Maggie:
Black ones are fine, yellow ones are fine, red ones are fine, pink ones are fine, green ones are fine. The only ones that aren’t fine are-

Tom:
White ones- I get it.

Maggie:
Good.

Maggie scoops up Tom’s lighter and pulls out her rainbow colored one. She ignites Tom’s then ignites her own.

Maggie:
OK- now watch.

Tom:
OK.

She leans both flames into one another; they connect into one big flame.

Maggie:
And this is lighter sex.

Tom:
Clever- can I have my lighter back now?

Maggie extinguishes both of them.

Maggie:
You’re just jealous because you didn’t think of it.

Tom:
And you’re saying you did?

Maggie:
That’s right- I’m a legend in my own mind.

Tom:
Haha.

Maggie:
Oh- he laughs- this is unprecedented.

Tom:
And how would you know what’s unprecedented? You just met me.

Maggie:
I can just tell you’re not the kind of person who laughs a lot.

Tom:
Is that so?

Maggie:
Yep.

Tom:
And how can you tell?

Maggie:
You’re lighters.

Tom:
Oh great- back to this.

Maggie:
I’m not kidding- you can tell a lot about a person from the type of lighter they have.

Tom:
What if they don’t have a lighter?

Maggie:
Then that means they don’t smoke, which means they wouldn’t want me to smoke, which means I have no desire to know them.

Tom:
Fair enough.

Maggie:
Take my lighter for instance- its rainbow colored which means-

Tom:
That you’re a gay man?

Maggie:
Cute- no- it means that I have a very outgoing and vibrant personality.

Tom:
So what do you get from my lighters?

Maggie:
Do you really want to know?

Tom:
Be gentle.

Maggie:
You’re the complete opposite of me- you see things in a very how they are kind of way- you’re dull and have almost no personality- you see the world in- well- black and white.

Tom:
Jesus- you call that gentle?

Maggie:
Hey- keep you’re chin up you still have a chance with me- after all-

Maggie ignites both flames and combines them again.

Maggie:
Opposites attract.

-end-