Unspoken Words

I glance at my watch. Pa is coming to pick me up and his already half an hour late. This isn’t like him he always has to be on time. I wonder what’s keeping him. It has to be something really important; he knows that if we don’t get to the garage sale early everything worth buying will be gone. An hour passed, I was starting to get worried. “It’s nothing” I whispered, mentally shaking myself. I suddenly heard the rumble of a car coming down the street. I recognized it as my nana’s car. What is she doing here? She stepped out of the car. I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. My Nan didn’t cry. The only time I’ve ever seen her cry was at her brother’s funeral.

“Nan, what’s wrong?” I ask in a shaky voice.

“Pa died” she said and started to cry. It took a few moments for her words to process. I began to shake my head.

“No, your wrong Nan, Pa can’t be dead, he just can’t be.”

“Lisa sweetie, I found your Pa dead when I went to visit him this morning”.

I couldn’t believe it. I ran towards my bike, jumped on and made my way to Pa’s house. I opened the door calling his name.

“Pa, Pa, are you there it’s Lisa”

I found myself repeating these words as I looked for him. My search ended in the bedroom. I had gone through his entire house, he wasn’t there. Suddenly a feeling of emptiness came over me. He really was gone.

Gone forever.

My Pa has left me. Then the tears came. Once I started crying, I couldn’t stop. I fell onto his bed, there I cried myself to sleep.

“Lisa, wake up” I opened my eyes, blinked a few times to adjust to the light then looked up at the miserable face of my Nan. For just a few moments I thought I had been dreaming and Pa was going to walk into the room with a cup of tea in his hand any minute. Then the familiar feeling of emptiness came. I started to cry again. Nan sat next to me on the bed; she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight as we both cried.

As I sat there, in my Nan’s arms, my whole view on life and God changed. If there is a God, if he did care he wouldn’t have taken someone so important to me away. More sorrow filled my heart when I remembered all the beautiful antique trinket boxes and old books that he had given me after our excursions to garage sales. All the happy times I had with Pa. My best friend. It doesn’t matter now, his gone.

Gone Forever.

It’s been four days since his death. I look around at the familiar faces crowding the cemetery. My Pa was very well known. I knew that a lot of people would show up for his funeral. Nan asked me two days ago if I wanted to stand up and say something about Pa. I wanted everyone to know how much My Pa cared about others, so I agreed. As I stood up, I looked around at the miserable faces of everyone who had known Pa. I wiped my tears away, sniffled and started to speak.

“The huge crowd gathered here today is evidence of how much Pa was loved, is still loved. The day Pa died the world lost a very special person. I know all of you are going to miss those gentle eyes and smiling face greeting you with a firm hand shake or a warm hug. Pa cared so much about others and hated to see people cry. When his friends died he would stay tough so that he could support the family of his friend. His the most caring, unselfish person I will ever know. His impacted all of our lives in some way and I know everyone that ever knew him will never forget him”

I started to cry as my speech ended. I started to run; I just want to be by myself right now. I stopped and sat down on a park bench. Aren’t funerals supposed to give you closure? This funeral defiantly hadn’t, it had just reminded me of how much I had lost. How am I ever supposed to live without my Pa.? Who will be there to comfort me and make me smile? I shut my eyes, just wanting to slip into a fantasy world where Pa is still with me. There is no fantasy world; Pa will never be with me again.

I ran back to my Nan, desperate to feel safe again. My Nan turned around and saw me, her eyes full of understanding.

“Lisa, we are going now”

“I’ll walk home, I need some time”

With a weathered hand she reached into her pocket, retrieving a worn envelope. She passed it to me. “Dad told me to give this to you, if anything like this happened.”

Once everyone had left, I sat in front of Pa’s grave. Through a fog of tears his words came to me.

“Dear My Sweet Lisa,

If you are reading this it means that I have left this world.

I know you feel empty, feel like I’ve left you.

I know you so well that I know that you are not dealing with my death easily.

You possibly don’t believe in God and are losing hope.

Lisa I love you, always have and always will.

I will always be with you, in your heart, I will be watching as you earn your university degree, as you get married, have your children.

So stop feeling empty, because I will always be looking down on you, I will never leave you.

Don’t forget this.

Until we meet again,

Love always

Your Pa.

Xoxo”

The feeling of emptiness had gone; I could feel Pa’s presence in my heart. I knew everything he said was true. I knew he would always be with me. I stopped crying. Knowing that he was with me, I looked up at the sky and for the first time in a week, I smiled.